BLOG POST 173

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 173

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 201; total word count down to 90.8 K, and percent went up to 70.2 percent as additional subject matter was added in drafts. A word or two of explanation - the variation of percentage complete is due to rewrites of the segments after incorporating suggestions, editorial changes due to critique inputs. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum. 

Just started re-reading excerpts of Clancy’s The Bear and the Dragon.

Personal insight – Some reviewers carefully select the words in their poems, but when they critique others, often unfiltered, spiteful words emerge. One individual previously said of a segment I read for review, “almost makes me want to gag.” At the last review session he said, “I don’t see why I should be interested (in story).”

While this particular reviewer makes an effort to portray himself as a liberal Christian, and tolerant of all sorts of genres and works, he often says things which disprove those portrayals.  His offerings for a personal memoir, to be truthful, have on occasion been droll, inane collections of impersonal lists of organizations, a bleak recitation of the heads of various physics departments at laboratories. At other times he has offered adult offerings which one could see upset his spouse. It may be that I need to remind him that sugar works better than vinegar, that some off his off the wall comments are personal, but not professional.  Finally reviewers should provide written comments, rather than mere caustic jabs.

BAM 23 November 2015 critique comments

BAM member  –

1.       No emotion, was looking for Anh to be brought in - working

2.       Got lost at mention of STU – Secure Telephone Units were mentioned earlier

3.       Suggested a change to phrasing about aromas from spices – disagree; correct as written. Change would leave source of the aroma uncertain.

4.       Pointed out repetitive use of “the system” – agree, working

5.       Pointed out repetitive use of “gut” – agree, working

6.       Pointed out repetitive use of “DCI Trujillo” – agree, working

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes - working

2.       Story moving forward, but too slowly – agree, working

3.       Story too factual, cold – agree; working

4.       Suggested mention of MODA and military situation was said before – yes, but story being retold to different listener, with differences in context, content

5.       Pointed out erroneous POV in successive paragraphs – will fix

6.       Pointed out confusing juxtaposition of verbal and written report – will fix

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree

2.       Slow paced, was able to follow – thanks

3.       Confused by references to movie A few good men – working

4.       Increase the tension, personal level of threats to characters – agree, working

5.       Put Tooley into danger – disagree; not in plan, but should increase prospects of war

6.       Suggested moving second sentence in a paragraph to first - agree

BAM member  –

1.       The story drifts; tighten up action – working

2.       Too many suppositions, estimates, utterances – disagree; several views are assessing chances for a war. Such things are rarely absolute.

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree

4.       Change sensors to read censors - agree

BAM member  –

5.       Minor editorial changes – agree

6.       Moves slowly; tighten up story – agree, working

7.       Liked description of tent and softening effects of breeze – thanks

8.       Confused about mention of AWACS seeing into Israel, since satellites can – disagree, Israeli OFFEQ satellite is not geo-synchronous, so loses the ‘picture’ 

BAM member  –

1.       Thought this segment more human than recent, better paced – thanks

2.       Parts should be scrapped or combined – will consider

3.       Shift to action – disagree, story can’t only be action; a war is coming

BAM member  –

1.       Enjoyed mention of CNN reporter; he seemed like a kid - thanks

BAM member  –

1.       Lots of research evident – thanks

BAM member  –

1.       No written comments

2.       Little human interaction, too mechanical – working

3.       Said, “I don’t see why I should be interested (in story)” – HMM!

BLOG POST 172

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 172

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went to 204; total word count up to 91.4 K, and percent went down to  56.4 percent  as additional subject matter was added in drafts. A word or two of explanation - the variation of percentage complete is due to rewrites of the segments after incorporating suggestions, editorial changes due to critique inputs. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum.  Will miss the RWG meeting, as we plan to visit an elderly friend of Nancy.

The King and Maxwell series by David Baldacci illustrates numerous aspects of detective work, which may become part of my work in my Money and Mayhem series. Much earlier, months ago, I interviewed a Deputy Sherriff in my county for ideas. Additionally I downloaded copies of court transcripts from the killing of an unarmed black man, Darren Brown, by Police Officer Darren Wilson. I also queried the Spotsylvania Sheriff Department about its Cadet/Ride Along program, but never got an answer. Just completed reading Baldacci’s Hour Game.

I recently separated all the written critique comments on Sooley Base and Kashan Kashmeeri into folders in an organized, recycled file cabinet. These hold the written comments, which duplicate the electronic WORD documents and Blog entries.

Personal insight – Only one set of distantly located grandparents. This experience might account for my remoteness as a grandparent. I never got to sit in his/her lap, just chat. It may be part of why I am aloof and distant from my grand children. My parents were not openly affectionate or huggy people. Splains a lot of how I respond.

BAM 09 November 2015 critique comments

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes - working

2.       Too technical at start – agree, working

3.       Add tension between Stefano and Saudi news minders – agree; working

4.       On the Latin prayer, clarify if Stefano is saying prayer, or thinking it – agree

5.       Nice to see mention of Anh again - thanks

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree

2.       Reporter interview too lengthy – working

3.       Felt that Saudi would have restricted what was said – agree, working

4.       Still unclear what intent of coalition is – thanks; am trying to be evasive

5.       What have the Israelis been doing – previously they expressed concern over AWACS, requested Patriot missile battery

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree

2.       On fence about this reading; too much technical data – working

3.       Scale back technology and accentuate the characters – agree, working

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes – working

2.       Very complex story, a slow read – working

3.       Audience is too focused – agree; my choice

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

2.       For first time (in several readings) was able to follow – thanks

3.       Lessen rambling by Stefano of news – working

4.       Very descriptive – thanks

5.       Scale back interview – disagree; used to set wider setting of gathering forces

BAM member  –

1.       Liked car setting and demon drivers – thanks

2.       Too much technical description on page one – working

3.       Lessen description and accentuate characters – agree, working

4.       Wanted to know who bad guys, good guys are – disagree; need to keep it in suspense

BLOG POST 170

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 170

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went to 172; total word count up to 85.2 K, and percent is around 61 percent. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum.

I have formalized another blog - It will cover a detective series set locally in Virginia. The series, Moneys and Mayhem, will be written by Bernard Peckingham.  More later, folks.  

BAM 19 October 2015 critique comments

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes - working

2.       Suggested spell out TBD – disagree; commonly used acronym

3.       Suggested spell out CJCS, NSC, WHSR – disagree; defined in previous segments

4.       Unclear who was who, where threat was coming from – that was my intention

5.       Reinforcement of idea that “Peace Coalition” was not truly peaceful was reinforced by this segment, but it didn’t add to the story - that was my intention

BAM member  –

1.       Need to streamline the story with characters for a length of time – working, but dealing with diverse characters

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree

3.       Titles and acronyms are confusing – genre need

4.       Try focusing on fewer POVs to “see” and “feel” the scene – working

5.       Use names vice acronyms DCI, CJCS – will consider

6.       Questioned purpose of the Peace Coalition - that was my intention

7.       Suggested moving one paragraph earlier – will consider

8.       Suggested considering split of this segment into (1) POTUS (2) Air Force Two scenes (3) in region – will consider

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

2.       Questioned describing US use of Embassy in Tel Aviv as visible show of neutrality- disagree; intention to convey US position in terms of goals of the Peace Coalition

3.       Questioned the end game here - that was my intention, to keep Peace Coalition, and reactions to it, vague

4.       Suggested removing mention of names of Turkish Prime Minister, Syrian President – agree

5.       Questioned usage/meaning of SECSTATE, CJCS, DCI - defined in previous segments

6.       Questioned use of PRESUS rather than POTUS – agree; changed

7.       Kind of a review of how things can go to hell fast - that was my intention

8.       Wasn’t completely lost – thanks

9.       Things (story) seems to be going to hell fast - that was my intention

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree

2.       Suggested “cry Uncle,” vice “call Uncle” - agree

3.       Too many acronyms; slow story down – genre and story, working

4.       Too much going on at once – my intention to portray action at the top (POTUS) in dealing with world crises

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes – working

2.       Questioned whether SECSTARE DeVries (3^rd paragraph) was Mel DeVries in 5^th paragraph – YES

3.       Within 5^th paragraph asked who “she” was, when the paragraph was Mel DeVries’ dialog – HMM!

4.       Used very personal tone in criticism about lack of sensory details – HMM!

5.       Lengthy diatribe about use of scenery; smell; hearing (sounds); taste – will consider

6.       Said the dialect was good – thanks

7.       Apparently forgot previous segments’ identification of characters, and acronyms

8.       Went too fast, slow the story down – will consider , but that was my intention

9.       The President doesn’t wear a uniform

BAM member  –

1.       Questioned meaning of PRESUS – President (of the) United States, commonly used term

2.       Reads well, good flow at beginning, then slows with details – working

3.       Maybe too much detail – agree, working

4.       Lots going on to keep straight – that’s life at the top (POTUS)

BAM member  –

1.       No written comments

2.       Lots of details ; I followed it – thanks

3.       Questioned who the target audience/genre was

4.       Thought average reader might get lost

BAM member  –

1.       No written comments

BAM member  –

1.       No written comments 

BLOG POST 171

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 171

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went to 180; total word count up to 84.3 K, and percent is around 62.7 percent. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum.

I have formalized another blog - It will cover a detective series set locally in Virginia. The series, Money and Mayhem, will be written by Bernard Peckingham.  

Started reading David Baldacci’s Hour Game, featuring the detective team of King and Maxwell.

BAM 26 October 2015 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes - working

2.      Suggested reducing excessive usage of “she” within paragraph – agree

3.      Questioned use of STU – disagree; Secure Telephone Unit explained earlier

4.      Questioned use of COS – disagree; Chief Of Staff used earlier

5.      This segment clearer – thanks

6.      There are several random characters coming & going – agree, working

7.      Clear up POV shifts – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree

2.      Suggested different paragraph breaks – agree, working

3.      Suggested reducing use of acronyms – POTUS, VPOTUS, SECSTATE and replace with names only – will consider

4.      Suggested removing description of “tanks, artillery, and planes” – disagree; part of scene

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree, working

2.      Suggested changing “differences” to gulfs” in describing Shia and Sunni branches of Islam – agree

3.      Suggested reducing excessive usage of “she” within paragraph – agree

4.      Suggested reducing use of acronyms – POTUS, VPOTUS, SECSTATE and replace with names only – will consider

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree

2.      Suggested reducing excessive usage of “she” within paragraph – agree

3.      Questioned use of STU – disagree; Secure Telephone Unit explained earlier

4.      Clear up POV shifts – agree, working

5.      Questioned use of CAP – disagree; Combat Air Patrol explained earlier

6.      Suggested changing “decidedly” to “Uncharacteristically” in same sentence using uncharacteristic - disagree

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – working

2.      Excellent – thanks

3.      Added smiley face, LOL, and Cute to mark sections – thanks

4.      Much clearer descriptions of whom and what is going on – thanks

5.      Good touch in the “inner workings” of the “Top echelons” - thanks

BLOG POST 169

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 169

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 169; total word count up to 92.1 K, and percent is about 65 percent. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum.

I have formalized another blog - It will cover a detective series set locally in Virginia. The series, Moneys and Mayhem, will be written by Bernard Peckingham.  More later, folks.  

Completed reading David Baldacci’s Zero Day.

BAM 19 October 2015 critique comments

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes - working

2.       Suggested spell out TBD – disagree; commonly used acronym

3.       Suggested spell out CJCS, NSC, WHSR – disagree; defined in previous segments

4.       Unclear who was who, where threat was coming from – that was my intention

5.       Reinforcement of idea that “Peace Coalition” was not truly peaceful was reinforced by this segment, but it didn’t add to the story - that was my intention

BAM member  –

1.       Need to streamline the story with characters for a length of time – working, but dealing with diverse characters

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree

3.       Titles and acronyms are confusing – genre need

4.       Try focusing on fewer POVs to “see” and “feel” the scene – working

5.       Use names vice acronyms DCI, CJCS – will consider

6.       Questioned purpose of the Peace Coalition - that was my intention

7.       Suggested moving one paragraph earlier – will consider

8.       Suggested considering split of this segment into (1) POTUS (2) Air Force Two scenes (3) in region – will consider

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

2.       Questioned describing US use of Embassy in Tel Aviv as visible show of neutrality- disagree; intention to convey US position in terms of goals of the Peace Coalition

3.       Questioned the end game here - that was my intention, to keep Peace Coalition, and reactions to it, vague

4.       Suggested removing mention of names of Turkish Prime Minister, Syrian President – agree

5.       Questioned usage/meaning of SECSTATE, CJCS, DCI - defined in previous segments

6.       Questioned use of PRESUS rather than POTUS – agree; changed

7.       Kind of a review of how things can go to hell fast - that was my intention

8.       Wasn’t completely lost – thanks

9.       Things (story) seems to be going to hell fast - that was my intention

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree

2.       Suggested “cry Uncle,” vice “call Uncle” - agree

3.       Too many acronyms; slow story down – genre and story, working

4.       Too much going on at once – my intention to portray action at the top (POTUS) in dealing with world crises

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes – working

2.       Questioned whether SECSTARE DeVries (3^rd paragraph) was Mel DeVries in 5^th paragraph – YES

3.       Within 5^th paragraph asked who “she” was, when the paragraph was Mel DeVries’ dialog – HMM!

4.       Used very personal tone in criticism about lack of sensory details – HMM!

5.       Lengthy diatribe about use of scenery; smell; hearing (sounds); taste – will consider

6.       Said the dialect was good – thanks

7.       Apparently forgot previous segments’ identification of characters, and acronyms

8.       Went too fast, slow the story down – will consider , but that was my intention

9.       The President doesn’t wear a uniform

BAM member  –

1.       Questioned meaning of PRESUS – President (of the) United States, commonly used term

2.       Reads well, good flow at beginning, then slows with details – working

3.       Maybe too much detail – agree, working

4.       Lots going on to keep straight – that’s life at the top (POTUS)

BAM member  –

1.       No written comments

2.       Lots of details ; I followed it – thanks

3.       Questioned who the target audience/genre was

4.       Thought average reader might get lost

BAM member  –

1.       No written comments

BAM member  –

1.       No written comments 

BLOG POST 168

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 168

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count remains at 167; total word count up to 91.5 K, and percent is up to 61 percent. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum. 

I have formalized another blog -     It will cover a detective series set locally in Virginia. The series, Moneys and Mayhem, will be written by Bernard Peckingham. 

Local Author support – Lake Authors Book Fair held at the Orange County, Wilderness branch. Numerous Riverside writers Group members participated.

Completed reading David Baldacci’s Divine Justice. Started reading his Zero Day.

BAM 05 October 2015 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Great addition  – thanks

2.       Clarify when wounded soldier was in tattered uniform – agree, working

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree

4.       Loved the give and take of POTUS dialog - thanks

5.       Rewrite zooming, panning in battlefield video – agree, working

BAM member –

1.       Flows well, but loses momentum – all cannot be action, necessary description

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree

3.       Consider shortening dialog between Colonel Polani and Stefano – disagree, and others liked it

4.       Suggested improving awkward wording parts – agree, working

5.       Suggested removing identification of date of POTUS morning brief – disagree

6.       POTUS dialog lacked purpose – disagree; intent was to provide background to geo-political moves in Middle East. Also to show POTUS did not know of coming announcement of the Coalition.

7.       Incorporate more tension in POTUS dialog – agree, working

8.       During CNN BREAKING NEWS bit, keep focus on Stefano. Hmm – will consider. Have to show enemies embracing as new friends. Have to leave, show Stefano as uncertain (still) of intentions.

BAM member –

1.       Suggested rewrite of description of wounded soldier in field hospital – disagree

2.       Questioned an analogy to marching band and a waltz – agree, working

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

4.       Questioned how Stefano at the front could be “fuzzy” on politics of region – he was at the front

5.       Questioned POTUS wanting to experience the “inexperiencible” on encrypted phone conversations  – POTUS wants to cut through the layers of Intel analysis, get to the truth

6.       Questioned why reference to POTUS getting direct access to battlefront phone conversations was required – to show power of POTUS’ on Intel sources (President Johnson did exactly this in Vietnam War. He talked to pilots of US strike aircraft.)

7.       Does anyone care about CNN interview and BREAKING NEWS – yes; sets the scene of forces arrayed for “Peace” … or, perhaps, something else

8.       Termed the Peace Coalition terms ultimately meaningless – disagree; it is important to consider all alternatives of the Coalition … war or peace.

9.       Questioned whether world leaders “actually really rely on” news for their decisions – In some ways yes – news is what people see, believe. Often they disbelieve “insiders” and their government.  Intel agencies do read such summaries daily.

10.   Have POTUS/PRESUS demand verification of front line Intel from CNN reporter – agree, working

BAM member –

1.       Compared writing, indirectly, to Tom Clancy’s “Sum of all fears” – suggested I read and use his geo-political techniques – disagree; thanks. I prefer my own words, but try to emulate some of his vision 

2.       Liked the line “I’m embedded in a lie.” thanks

3.       Suggested identifying speakers in parts of Colonel Polani and Stefano dialog – agree, working

4.       Questioned whether Tooley was at the front – no, in his Riyadh Embassy office

5.       Questioned whether POTUS, and NSC advisors really did not know of geo-political events – they partly know, but have to believe writers’ story that some politics abroad remains obscure, even (Shush) - SECRET

6.       Suggested adding what SECSTATE DeVries said at morning brief with POTUS – agree, working

7.       Suggested inclusion of more dialog with POTUS – disagree; less is more. Intent is to leave reader in doubt, especially as to intentions of Iran and Iraq. That was why I had POTUS briefing BEFORE announcement of Coalition.

8.       Questioned whether POTUS and NSC advisors really not know of what was to happen – Yes, they really did not know.

9.       Liked image of “weapons being fired into the air” – thanks

10.   Describe WHSR – agree, working

11.   Explain why POTUS is upset - working

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

2.       Compared a humorous bit to Geraldo Rivera - thanks

3.       Liked that I planted doubt (tension) in dialog between Colonel Polani and Stefano – thanks

4.       Questioned the type of “Peace” agreement, document – intentionally left vague, to evolve, be discovered by readers

5.       Suggested changing “officers and enlisted” to “troops” – agree, working

6.       Took long time to get to the “Peace” part – intentional, suspense, false leads

7.       It is unclear what Peace means – thanks, I wanted it vague, to keep reader interest

8.       Overall good addition - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

2.       Very interesting twist to geo-politics – thanks

3.       At mention of Iraq, Syria, Iran, and Turkey negotiations with Kurds, questioned Arabia, Egypt – those countries don’t have Kurdish minorities

4.       Questioned mention of “thirty mile” front – exposure of the numbers of military now in a coalition

5.       Questioned mention of “western Iraq” – again, showing where the Coalition is headed (hint0

6.       Questioned reference to “Allied Forces in the first Gulf War” – a reference to size of forces, and an intent to invade

BAM member –

1.       Excellent – thanks

2.       Liked comparison of parade field wimp vs deadly opponent – thanks

3.       Enjoyed “someone sticking flowers down rifle barrels – thanks

4.       Liked “let people talk each other to death” – thanks

5.       Liked the reference to troops waltzing - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Commented on previous segment wording -

2.       This is better tonight – thanks

3.       Field hospital scene clear, understandable – but why needed – to give battlefield relevance, insights to the “BIG LIE”

4.       Why did Stefano emphasize “They do mean business” if not convincingly – because he was still uncertain of intentions of the new Coalition. It is a necessary part of tension, foreshadowing

5.       Suggested show, not tell, in several areas – agree, working

6.       Questioned mention of “forces are a reminder of Allied Forces in the first Gulf War” – to emphasize the size, and hint at (foreshadow) the Coalition’s intentions

7.       Suggested new paragraph break on last page – agree, working

BAM member –

1.       Liked several specific sentences - thanks

2.       More understandable, clearer sentences – thanks

3.       You succeeded in making your story flow better - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Suggested a twist of DCI being corrupt – disagree, not in the plan. Non-productive

2.       Spice up last few pages – will look at specifics from other reviewers

BAM member –

1.       Great job, as before - thanks

2.       No written comments