Blog Post 131

Sales of Sooley Base have again jumped.

Another critique session at Books-A-Million provided the following suggestions:

BAM member –

1. Indent paragraphs - agree

2.  No wrong touches; well written – agree

3.  Suggested minor wording and punctuation changes – agree

4.  Interesting, well written, well phrased – agree

5.  Liked emphasis on Jedi’s versus cousins – agree

6.  Good camaraderie of characters – agree

7.  Increase mystic relevance of ‘cousins’ - agree

BAM member –

1.   Enjoyed story and conversations – agree

2.  Suggested minor wording changes – agree

3.  Surprised wedding occurred so quickly – disagree

4.  Lost on ‘cousins’ – working

BAM member –

                1.  Suggested wording change - agree

                2.  Identify the respective wars of vets – working

                3.  Narrow focus o0f memories to one character – working

                4.  Doesn’t ‘get’ the ‘cousins’ thing – working

                5.  Well written - agree

BAM member –

                1.  Identify speakers to improve dialogue - working

                2.  Suggested wording changes - agree

                3.  Asked what “Arshlock” meant – agree; will include context

                4.  Suggested paragraph change - agree

BAM member –

                1.  Good flow and conversations – agree

                2.  Associates with brother Evan - OK

                3.  Still not clear about the ‘cousins’ – agree; working

                4.  Liked the dialogue – agree

                5.  Suggested changes to clarify about the guards – agree

                6.  A little lost with military jargon – disagree; required in genre

                7.  Suggested making WC Fields quote a part of dialogue - agree

BAM member –

                1.  Reduce telling, increase showing - agree

                2.  Disliked use of cliché ‘until the cows come home’ – disagree

                3.  Suggested a wording change - agree

                4.  ‘Cousins’ thing is weird – disagree; will evolve

                5.  First page showed good camaraderie – agree

                6.  Suggested I sing the chorus better – can’t

                7.  Identify speakers better – agree

                8.  Well written - agree

BAM member –

                1.  Specific market evident (military male) – agree

                2.  Very detailed, enjoyable read - agree

                3.  Good, fast moving dialogue - agree

                4.  Clear, realistic read - agree

Blog Post 130

Tessera Trilogy Blog post 130

The working draft of Kashan Kashmeeri now stands at 144 pages, 73K word count.

The Books A Million (BAM) critique group met on 22 September. The following suggestions were received:

BAM member  –

1. Uncertain if ‘cousins’ are interest or a factor in story – disagree; will evolve

2.  Liked use of asshole and ‘bless his heart’ – agree

3.  Talk between main characters and their emotions good – agree

4.  Well done, good writing – agree

5.  The happiness of Anh and Tooley comes over well – agree

6.  Suggested change ‘expected attendees’ to ‘guests’ - agree

BAM member  –

1. No written comments

2.  Enjoyed story and conversations – agree

3.  “Bro’ used too much – will consider

BAM member  –

                1.  Good dialogue – agree

                2.  Increase the tension, conflict – agree; working (this is a slow part of story)

                3.  Suggested a word change - agree

BAM member  –

                1.  Acknowledged female and male character writing styles – agree

                2.  Good conversations, dialogue between characters – agree

                3.  Wants to know where ‘cousins’ talk is going – disagree; it’ll happen

BAM member  –

                1.  Good flow and conversations – agree

                2.  Did not associate Anh as an immigrant – disagree; covered before

                3.  Enjoyed cultural references and details – agree

                4.  Questioned need to ‘agree to a (cab) fare – disagree; customary when multiple passengers

                                share a cab

                5.  Disagreed with underlining ‘Mutaawah – disagree; emphasis by female character

                6.  Enjoyed use of ‘didn’t even have to train him’ - agree

BAM member  –

                1.  Lots of Arabic culture  - agree

                2.  Misses more action, progression – agree; working

                3.  Too many exclamations used – agree; working

                4.  ‘Cousins’ thing is weird – disagree; will evolve

                5.  Why was ‘Mutaawah’ underlined – disagree; emphasis by female character

                6.  Suggested minor punctuation change - agree

BAM member  –

                1.  Good writing and story – agree

                2.  Moved too slowly – working, but is a slow part of novel

                3.  ‘Cousins’ not clear as to use – disagree; will evolve

                4.  Names mentioned too often – disagree

BAM member  –

                1.  Didn’t ‘get’ cousins discussion – disagree; will evolve

                2.  Wanted to know the setting – disagree; covered earlier (Arabia, Bahrain)

                3.  Good cultural scenes (He was in Arabia one year) – agree

                4.  Well written – agree

                5.  Unbold several abbreviations – agree

                6.  Excellent - agree 

Blog Post 129

While “following” the Fredericksburg Writers Group blog to keep abreast of local writers and ideas, and similarly with the LinkedIn Book Marketing group I found that the former is not of any help, while the latter is informative, but mainly helps other authors selling their novels. I found review of marketing techniques helpful, but of limited use to this writer marketing his eBooks. A local writers group, which advertised an authors’ gathering quickly turned unproductive when the fine print revealed only authors of hard copy works were invited.

Another bit of progress on Kashan Kashmeeri has made its way into the novel. This is rough and I expect it to change over the next several days. As part of DP Tolan’s writing process the author has put together a listing of the characters major, minor and throwaway. Additionally the largest segment of the working draft, which covers the whole novel plus place holders for needed characters dialogue, action and interactions known to be needed but not yet structured in more than concept stage, will be merged with additions which give preliminary form to the missing parts.

As part of the process the needed segments are identified, in both the working draft and the additions segment by headers which are substantially larger in font size, and are bolded and highlighted. This allows a easy search for the headers, insertion of the additions, and rewrite of the combined areas into a better whole product. The progress of these two working segments stands at 74K and 145 pages as merged.

Distraction of a trip to Nova Scotia, where my wife’s maternal ancestors immigrated to.

I approached a librarian at a public library in Halifax, Nova Scotia, to offer free copies of my novels. It appears that Canada uses the same eBook franchisees to host eBooks in their libraries. I could not even give them my novels free of charge.

Lake of the Woods Authors Book Fair was held locally. Eight fellow members of the Riverside Writers Group described their books, offering tips on writing, and a local author Suzi Weinert, a new RWG member, discussed her book. She wrote Garage Sale Stalker, which was made into a Hallmark TV movie that premiered last September.

The September 2014 monthly RWG meeting was well attended and the critique session provided the following suggestions on Kashan Kashmeeri:

RWG member –

1.       Thought a bog improvement over style of previous novels – agree

2.       Suggested better identification of speakers – agree to a degree

3.       Minor sentence changes – agree

4.       Liked description of rugs and cell phones – agree

5.       Questioned validity of range of DNA analysis – disagree; fictional work

6.       Described several paragraphs as ‘good writing’ – agree

7.       Liked use of Tin Man and not being in Kansas - agree

RWG member –

1.       Loved the description of jeweled cell phones – agree

2.        Suggested changing GYN/obstetrics to pre-natal – agree

3.       Confused with who were characters – disagree; covered in previous chapters

4.       Thought the scenes were interesting – agree

5.       Suggested making ‘distant past’ more defined – disagree; part of earlier discussion

6.       Minor punctuation changes – agree

7.       7. Questioned use of very detailed DNA testing – disagree; explained in earlier chapters

RWG member –

1.       Confused with who were characters – disagree; covered in previous chapters

2.       Uncertain of sarcasm of phlebotomist’s remarks – disagree; clear to other reviewers

RWG member –

1.       Liked the color of images - agree

2.       Uncertain as to ‘prescription’ of water vs drinking by phlebotomist  - disagree; clear to other reviewers

3.       No written comments

A marketing scheme under consideration – bundle and sell all three novels of The Tessera Trilogy (Golden Gate, Sooley Base, and Kashan Kashmeeri) together for a lower price. 

Blog Post 128

Tessera Trilogy Blog post 128

Am “Following” the Fredericksburg Writers Group blog - http://fredericksburgwritersgroup.wordpress.com/ to keep abreast of local writers and ideas, and became a member of the LinkedIn Book Marketing group… https://www.linkedin.com/nhome/?trk=hb_signin . It’s too soon to say if these will be of benefit.

Another segment of Kashan Kashmeeri was reviewed at a Books-A-Million critique session. 

BAM members provided critiques of the segment as follows:

BAM member -

1.       Lots of details on setting, few on characters – agree; working

2.       Say more about the women – agree

3.       Stress Anh being pregnant – agree

4.       Have Munirah ask Anh how far along is she – agree

5.       Correct POV shifts – agree

6.       Have Anh and Munirah shared common interests, concerns – agree

7.       Clarify the “not Mecca” – agree

8.       Reduce use of narrative – agree

9.       Several suggestions on sentences – agree; working

10.   Reword “swept his hand horizontally” – agree; working

11.   Use of Tooley’s full name awkward – considering

BAM member -

1.       Unfamiliar with “revetment”  – disagree; standard military terminology

2.       Clarify mention of “Michael’s (rug)” – agree

3.       Clarify Anh’s thinking on anxiety about being Asian – agree; working

4.       Reconsider use of “deep internal bluish brilliance (on diamond) – agree

5.       Good details of setting – agree

6.       Questioned use of mention of men being from Mars – agree

7.       Convert  “Anh quickly making a pact” to a sentence – agree

8.       Minor punctuation suggestions – will consider

BAM member - no written comments

1.       Knows of woman who lived underground in KOSA, said most Saudis do – untrue

2.       Female characters were too cautious in talking – agree

BAM member –

1.        Your female lead is rough, strong sexual – not sure where leading – agree

2.       Correct POV problem on page two – agree

3.       Clarify why Tooley and Anh went to Ubaidi’s – agree; working

4.       Explain the competitiveness of female characters – agree; working

5.       Liked description of underground home setting - agree

6.       Numerous sentence suggestions – agree; working

7.       Reword “swept his hand horizontally” – agree; working

8.       Restructure several areas to be new paragraphs – agree

9.       Have Munirah talk of “deep internal bluish brilliance (on diamond) – agree

10.   Questioned existence of Baskin-Robbins franchise in Arabia – disagree; it was there

11.   Liked use of comparing a Bentley to a camel – agree

12.   Explain the meaning of incense smoke – agree; working

13.   Explain “their” post graduate studies – disagree; included elsewhere

14.   Add graphic to show change of scene  from meal – agree; working

15.   Explain why Anh rose as Tooley rushed to her – agree; working

16.   Clarify Fadia’s age – agree

17.   Liked the exotic setting- agree

BAM member –

1.       Spell coos-coos as cous-cous – agree

2.       Stress how female characters are checking out initial meeting and feelings of it – agree

3.       Suggested rewording sentence about Amir’s net worth – will consider

4.       Minor sentence suggestions – agree; working

5.      Use of Tooley’s full name awkward – considering

BAM member –

1.       Clarify mention of “Michael’s (rug)” – agree

2.       Reference to Dorothy Hamill hairstyle too obscure – agree; working

3.       Use of Tooley’s full name awkward – considering

4.       Use of “tiny bursts of light like creepy crawlies” awkward – agree; working

5.       Unfamiliar with “revetment”  – disagree; standard military terminology

6.       Minor punctuation suggestions – agree

7.       Clarify POV shifts – agree

8.       Questioned use of mention of men being from Mars – agree

9.       Interesting description of the Ubaidi home - agree

Several cultural insights into whether wives of Saudi friends remained veiled or in separate rooms during dinner with friends, and about alcohol use were shared.

The August meeting of the Riverside Writers Group will feature an Open Mike format.  I anticipate reading (and just observing an audience reaction to) several segments. 

Blog Post 127

Tessera Trilogy Blog post 127

Am “Following” the Fredericksburg Writers Group blog - http://fredericksburgwritersgroup.wordpress.com/ to keep abreast of local writers and ideas, and became a member of the LinkedIn Book Marketing group… https://www.linkedin.com/nhome/?trk=hb_signin . It’s too soon to say if these will be of benefit.

Sales of Sooley Base have nudged upwards.

Distractions now include repainting backyard deck and privacy railings, and reinsertion into computer recycling to support local area refugee families.

 Another segment of Kashan Kashmeeri was reviewed/critiqued at the July Riverside Writers Group meeting.

Reviewer comments:

1.       Suggested change to connection between Anh’s smile and a story  – agree

2.       Suggested having Patty state Anh is no cook – agree

3.       Numerous sentence and grammar changes – agree

4.       Stop trying to make every line clever – agree

5.       Remove reference to highways in California – agree

6.       Have Anh remark in her comments to Patty how fast she fell for Tooley - agree

The above suggestions were incorporated into segment read to RWG.

RWG members provided written critiques of the segment as follows:

RWG member

1.       If any more sexual comments or innuendos  it would be too much – disagree

2.       Connection of pent up needs and to do lists to blunt – agree

3.       Use of High Five OK, but Valley Girl not credible – disagree

4.       Good addition – agree

5.       Liked use of indirect reference to main characters sex – agree

6.       POV problem on page two – agree

7.       Minor sentence change - agree

RWG member – no written comments

1.       Wonder about two women talking about sex – disagree

2.       Good dialogue - agree

RWG member -

1.        Your female lead is rough, strong sexual – not sure where leading – agree

2.       End of page 1 uncomfortable, crass – agree, working

3.       POV problem on page two – agree

4.       Liked description of underground home setting - agree

5.       Confused by use of Anh and Ann – disagree; Anh is her name. Patty calls her Ann for convenience.

6.       Used smile too often – agree

7.       Recommended change to italicized sentence page 2 – agree

8.       Minor punctuation change - agree

RWG member -

1.       Liked story – agree

2.       Moves at good pace  – agree

3.       Lost then found in dialogue – use of Anh and Ann – disagree; Anh is her name. Patty calls her Ann for convenience.

4.       Liked use of Valley Girl and Totally – agree

5.       Minor sentence change – agree

6.       Thought it incorrect in Arabia, with Sharia law, for characters to sleep together – disagree;

They are expats, and even most Saudis don’t like Sharia law of Mutaawah.

RWG member -

1.       Didn’t like use of kick ass and kiss ass, and butts - disagree

2.       Noted use of rhyming verse on page 2 – agree

3.       How do sands zoom by – agree

4.       Thought main male character was kinky - disagree

RWG member – no written or verbal comments. Was first time reviewer.

RWG member - no written comments

1.       Missed earlier chapters – Buy book

2.       Too many short sentences  - disagree

RWG member – no written or verbal comments (was out of room)

Blog Post 126

Tessera Trilogy Blog post 126

 Several weeks ago, as a volunteer at the local Central Rappahannock Regional Library (CRRL) I offered to provide free eBook copies of the first two novels, Golden Gate and Sooley Base, of my Tessera Trilogy. The library did not accept my offer, because their eBooks are provided by

I made a point of investigating CRRL support for local writers groups and local authors. While the library has a book listing local authors that source is over two decades old. I discovered that of the total book holdings of the library less than .005 percent are by local authors and of that number over 34 percent are reference sources used in the very room (Local History and Genealogy) I volunteered in. 

The writers group of which I am a member, alas, could not be included in the calendar of the library branch where we’ve been meeting for years. While CRRL Events Calendars do cover quilting, Teen art, local art galleries, potters, blogs and art history, only one branch does much of anything with local writers group. There is no written policy, or conscious action by CRRL management to identify writers groups in the area, nor local authors, and authors writing eBooks seem frozen out. Weighing all this evidence I resigned my volunteer position because CRRL does not support either writers groups or local authors.

I have since been on a campaign to identify and pursue avenues by which I can offer my eBooks to the Third Party Vendors who supply CRRL. These are the Library of Virginia, FReading, Overdrive, and EBSCO. I am currently pursuing a deal with each of these vendors to offer my first two novels, free of charge, to Virginia Public libraries. Additionally I am pursuing through Enki, a California Public Library organization the same offer – my first two books free of charge to California Public Libraries.

It may strike you, as it has me,strange that I am unable to GIVE my novels free of charge to public libraries. I await the results of my offers, in the hope that books … rather than quilting, Teen art, local art paintings, pottery will rise to the level of acceptance by institutions serving the public.

Blog Post 125

Tessera Trilogy Blog post 125

 Another segment of Kashan Kashmeeri was reviewed/critiqued at a Monday Books-A-million meeting.

Reviewer comments:

BAM members provided written critiques of the segment as follows:

BAM member

1.       Better than last week’s reading - agree

2. Minor editorial changes – agree
3. Questioned whether both characters were American, or one Vietnamese  – disagree
4. Disliked use of “I’d have to bury you in desert as clichéd – disagree

5.       Liked use of Baskins-Robbins  – agree

6. Liked use of facial expressions – agree
7. Reword “displaying his lack …” – agree
8. Liked bit about Blarney Stone – agree
9. Change “And I don’t have …” breaks mood – agree
10. Liked waiting for pie and ice cream – agree
11. Good back and forth - agree

BAM member

1.       No written input - agree

2.       Good dialogue, natural - agree

BAM member

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree

2.       Questioned relationship of “Why did you come here” to response – will consider

3.       Identify speakers as male, female or by name – disagree, prior text shows

4.       Questioned why she thinks his job is dangerous - disagree, prior text shows (got shot)

5.       Suggested differing paragraphs – will consider

6.       Questioned humorous reference to James Bond  – disagree

7.       Liked playfulness and story - agree

BAM member

1.       Lots of personality - agree

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree

3. Reword “displaying his lack …” – agree
4. Would delete “She saw it.” – disagree
5. Would delete “or lose her lunch” – agree
6. Considers “No. that was …” an odd response – disagree
7. Consider turning “And I don’t have ..” into humor – will try
8. Good, interplay and dialogue

BAM member

       1.  Fast moving, playful exchanges - agree

       2.  No written comments

BAM member

1.       Very interesting and playful exchange  – agree

2.       Easy reading, fast moving action – agree

3.       Liked use of Baskins-Robbins  – agree

4.       Minor editorial changes – agree

5.       Said “She is the ONE!” – agree

6.       Good couple, evenly matched with wit – agree

7.       Liked reference to Clancy book and martial art gesture - agree

BAM member

       1.  Change “in a foreign land” – awkward - agree

       2.  Simplify “a job offer with great pay” – will consider

       3.  Loved the characters, very good – agree

       4.  Clarify “He’s my friend …” – will consider

       5.  Liked story of parking tickets for camels – agree

       6.  Reword “returning the talk to the Camel Race” – agree

       7.  Minor editorial changes – agree

       8.  Add accent mark to rose wine – agree

       9.  Identify Amir’s tribe – agree

     10.  Change forty four to read 44 – disagree

     11.  Liked use of Baskins-Robbins  – agree

     12.  Liked international flavor – agree

     13.  Bedu cushions set you in place - agree