BLOG POST 165

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 165

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total pages down to 174; total word countdown down to 94.7 K, and percent is 56 percent. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum.

A new assessment of progress showed me I was overly optimistic on progress. Kashan Kashmeeri won’t be ready until early in 2016.

Local Author support – Have signed up to participate in a local authors book fair at Lake of the Woods.

BAM 14 September 2015 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Numerous editorial suggestions – agree, working

2.       Suggested restructured sentences on camouflage – disagree, would reduce realism, and less is not always more.

3.       Suggested removing First Sergeant comments on light, sunrise as a weapon – disagree, realistic tactical comment, and foreshadowing of bright fireworks in the night sky

4.       Questioned saying night was tangibly dark – metaphor for the intensity of mission flight in darkness. May consider changing adjective

5.       Questioned pilot talking of prayer rugs and flyby – disagree, black humor at edge of potential death

6.       Questioned whether paragraph on human response to strong stimuli made the peril real – disagree, accurately reflects thought process for evasive maneuvering out of a kill zone

7.       Questioned mention of “once you confirm targets” as an order to Sgt Hamdoun – disagree, friendlies are in field of fire

8.       Questioned usage of vague terms to describe specific events, “certain danger” – disagree.  May consider changing adjective

BAM member –

1.       Spell out “freq” – disagree, standard military usage

2.       Suggested adding dashes within “to-at-most” – will consider

3.       Suggested capitalizing “bedu”- disagree, would be Israeli slang usage, is Saudi usage

4.       Correct to wording you used – agree, working

5.       Minor editorial changes – agree

6.       This reads well – thanks

7.       Some scenes seem repetitive – agree, working

8.       Action was good - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Questioned use of “toughest muthas” – disagree, standard military braggadocio

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree

3.       Suggested including black and gray to describe firing of fireworks  – disagree, impossible to see in darkness, but need to reduce usage of white

4.       Reduce usage of pupils – agree, working

5.       Vary terminology for helo – agree, working

6.       Increase color variations described (white used too often) – agree, working

7.       Liked segment, was exciting - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Good sense of story, understood it - thanks

2.       Suggested adding pilot’s feelings as fireworks burst around him – agree, working

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree

4.       Good section, lots of action – thanks

5.       Good ending, a page turner – thanks

6.       Military action seemed realistic - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Very interesting action  - thanks

2.       Unclear if italics were personal thoughts – yes, usage as before

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree

4.       Suggested changing “muthas” to “mothers” – disagree, historical usage since sixties

5.       Nice page break – thanks, but was strictly Google Docs spacing effect

6.       Vivid description of helo crash – thanks

7.       Liked tension hook at end, keep reader engaged; a page turner - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Confused by use of capitalized military terms – typical aircraft orders

2.       Saw conflict between “”weapons” and “prayers” – agree, working

3.       Change usage of pupils – agree, working

4.       Confused by whether characters were Israeli or Saudi – disagree, explained before reading

5.       Minor editorial changes – agree

6.       Not familiar with “Galil” – Israeli assault rifle

7.       Not clear where action was taking place - explained before reading, working to improve

8.       Placement of Captain Katz’ thoughts awkward – working

BAM member –

1.       Good action, some detail missing - thanks

2.       Suggested changing some dialogue – disagree, fits psyche of commandoes for dark humor

3.       Suggested inclusion of sounds, smells from bursts of fireworks – disagree, helo doors closed in flight

4.       Minor editorial changes – agree

5.       Suggested including feel and balance of helo during maneuvers, being hit by fireworks – working

6.       Suggested splitting up a paragraph for reader tension – agree

7.       Suggested changing “inbound” to “enroute” – disagree, appropriate terminology

8.       Good ending – thanks

9.       Add rescue team reaction to fireworks – agree, working

BAM member –

1.       End of first paragraph a bit telegraphic – disagree, following aircraft communications sequence

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree

3.       Questioned usage and location of First Sergeant’s prayer – working

4.       Tighten up usage of pupils – agree, working

5.       Suggested making Captain Katz’ thought to italics – agree, working

BAM member (new member) –

1.       No written comments

2.       Too military, mechanical – disagree, genre requirement

3.       Liked portion on limits of human reaction to stimuli - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Good ending (tension hook) – thanks

2.       Hard to follow who was doing what to whom

3.       Reads well - thanks

4.       No written comments

BLOG POST 164

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 164

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total pages up to 180; total word countdown up to 97 K, and percent is 53 percent. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum. A new assessment of progress showed me I was overly optimistic on progress. Kashan Kashmeeri won’t be ready until early in 2016.

Huzza!  Huzza! Huzza… or words to that effect. On checking the status of my BookBaby.com account I found that I am now due my first royalty payment. Oh be still my heart. The amount will not begin to let me recover the sums I’ve spent on paper, ink cartridges, nor the years of effort. But oh so happy am I. Thank you readers for your interest.

Local Author support – Have signed up to participate in a local authors book fair at Lake of the Woods.

Besides the specific comments and suggestions below, the reviewers generally mentioned that my style of writing had improved greatly over the previous year. Gratifying.

RWG 12 September 2015 critique comments

RWG member  –

1.       Your writing is more human, personal – thanks

2.       Suggested having helos “rose” vice “raised” - agree

3.       Good flow – thanks

4.       Good dialogue – thanks

5.       Suggested inclusion of quote from Psalm 118 – will consider

6.       Minor editorial changes – agree

RWG member  –

1.       Like the action, humor - thanks

2.       Good balance of action and dialogue – thanks

3.       Unfamiliar with the jargin, but understood the story – thanks

4.       Great details – thanks

5.       Unfamiliar with “helo” – helicopter

RWG member  –

1.       Very interesting action  - thanks

2.       Suggested inclusion of quote from Psalm 118 – will consider

3.       Have pilots say “Roger” – agree, working

4.       Minor editorial changes – agree

5.       Suggested shorter sentences – agree, working

RWG member  –

1.       Good sense of story, understood it - thanks

2.       Was showing, not telling - thanks

3.       Remove unnecessary words, adverbs, shorten sentences – agree, working

4.       Very good use of procedures – thanks

5.       Minor editorial changes – agree

BLOG POST 163

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 163

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total pages up to 179; total word countdown up to 96.6 K, and percent is 52.6 percent. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum.

Local Author support – went to book signing held at Pappagallo in Fredericksburg, for author George Metzger of Spotsylvania County, VA. George and I talked for a half hour on his writing process and our life experiences … and the CRRL eBook controversy. His pen name is Erik Mauritzson and his novel is Grendel’s Game.

Completed reading David Baldacci’s novel – The Collectors.

BAM 07 September 2015 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       First paragraph confusing  – agree, working

2.        Good advancement of story – thanks

3.       Reduce detail level about Ready Room – agree, working

4.       Describe purpose of plans for Pilgrim III up front – agree, working

5.       Lost on a few acronyms like TOC, RTB – disagree, they followed in wording

6.       Was thrown off by “mess” of Ready Room, thought it was military mess hall

7.       Need transition from first to second paragraph – agree, working

8.       Minor editorial suggestions – agree

9.       “Riyals” not clear – Arabian money

BAM member –

1.       Discussion of fireworks came out of blue – appropriate to plot

2.       Who spoke of “CNN network” – agree, will clarify

3.       Not clear who are good and bad guys – Saudis are good guys; Israelis bad guys

4.       Too much hinting – disagree, my style of being indirect (foreshadowing)

5.       Minor editorial suggestions – agree

6.       Liked use of Admiral Anh to warn Tooley from being in field - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Confused as to which character was speaking - working

2.       Heavy on details of Ready Room – agree, working

3.       First two paragraphs confusing – agree, working

4.       Did not understand reference to fireworks – diversions for expected attack

5.       Lessen use of clichés – agree, working

BLOG POST 162

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 162

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total pages up to 175; total word countdown up to 94.4 K, and percent is 52.3 percent. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum.

Received suggestions from a relative who reviewed the first fifteen pages of Kashan Kashmeeri. Very helpful.

In recent review sessions I’ve come to realize that some suggestions and comments are not helpful. I look for, and expect the reviewers to be helpful, to suggest ideas which will remove conflicts of point of view, grammar, reception by readers as holding their interest. In the vast majority of cases the reviewers are helpful. Some comments are, despite my hopes, off the wall.

One young reviewer suggested I write more towards my target audience, as though this person knew my target audience better than I did. Strange! Another questioned my use in dialogue of American idioms, slang; perhaps that reviewer forgot it was Americans talking with one another. Another reviewer somehow forgot the relationship of prime characters, relevant to dialogue addressing their children.

The above criticisms about reviewers is to document that I recognize the weaknesses of reviewers, and take their rankings as I evaluate the suggestions for use. 

Added a comment to the blog of a local eBook author, only the second local author on electronic media in a library system with over 114,000 eBooks available. I asked the author how he did it, how he got his eBook to the library. It will be interesting to see if he responds.

Re-read David Baldacci’s The Camel Club. Excellent reading.

BAM 31 August 2015 critique comments

BAM member  –

1.       Numerous editorial suggestions – agree, working

2.        Good advancement of story – thanks

3.       Suggested changing listing of brief viewgraphs to analysis – agree, working

4.       Suggested shortening sentences – agree, working

5.       Too  much detailed information – agree, working

6.       Felt ADM Kimmel wouldn’t stand for LCOL’s remarks – disagree; know someone just like this, and Flags are more perceptive than you suspect

7.       Reduce use of DDI – agree

8.       Describe POTUS and SECSTATE – agree, working

BAM member  –

1.       “Oh, forgot this …”  threw her – agree, working

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Page 2, 3, 4 dragged  – agree, working

4.       Felt sections dealing with intro, and actions taken by SECSTATE were repetitive – disagree

5.       Confused by aide whispering if STU was muted – agree, working

6.       Would be afraid of fireworks in Arabia – disagree, can do in desert as family, and is important foreshadowing to action which will follow

7.       Did not keep my attention, cold and disconnected – was discussing military, geo-political in-brief; working

BAM member  –

1.       Good presentation of reporting in the Press, POTUS, White House – thanks

2.       Too many acronyms (liked previous “action” segments)  – working

3.       Need to work on “drawing” reader in – working

4.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

5.       Suggested change “ensure” to “insure” – disagree, correct as written

6.       Suggested adding words to Prayer Call – disagree, overkill

7.       Have POTUS read a report - working

BAM member  -

1.       Delete all but necessary to advance the story – disagree; some foreshadowing, background required for subsequent parts of story

2.       The chumminess between MCPO and VADM comes across as banter –working

3.       Unnecessary history lesson – disagree; that is root of Middle East wars

4.       Suggested changing description of viewgraphs to an analysis – agree, working

5.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

6.       Felt DDI seemed out of the loop about O’Tooles previous injuries – agree, working

BAM member  –

1.       Interesting story, dialogue, and development – thanks

2.       No written suggestions

3.       Heavy on details of Defense Department, allies, government – required of genre and story

4.       Uncertain of setting – continuation of in-brief for Adm. Kimmel, under Pentagon

BAM member  –

1.       No written suggestions

2.       Didn’t understand reference to maintenance man – was described in earlier segment

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

4.       Felt sparklers would be appropriate, rather than fireworks – disagree; foreshadowing; can do fireworks in desert as family

5.       Suggested rewriting for target audience – disagree; as author I know my military, Clancy-ish audience

6.       Lacked emotion, tension – agree, working

BAM member  –

1.       Read like a newspaper commentary – working, but a military briefing is typically dry

2.       Liked portions detailing keeping up with the President – thanks

3.       Was the “Flag” POTUS – no, a Flag is a Flag officer, i.e., a General or Admiral

4.       Page 4 became more human – thanks

5.       Liked part about fireworks - thanks

6.       Asked if children to watch fireworks were Anh’s – Yes, and Tooley’s (they’re married)

BAM member  –

1.       Questioned use of “wazoo” and “horse of a different color” –appropriate since American LCOL and VADM were the characters present

2.       Sentences too long – agree, working

3.       Lost track as read – understood, working 

Blog Post 161

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 161

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total pages up to 174; total word countdown up to 94 K, and percent is 49.4 percent. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum.

I have, in the interest of promoting local eBook authors and changing how most American public libraries promote (or, actually, ignore) local eBook authors, contacted a local eBook author whose works are at CRRL Fredericksburg, VA area).  I asked the author, Howard Owen, how he got his eBooks to be offered by CRRL.  Perhaps I’ll hear back and get some insight as to how to change the system.

BAM 24 August 2015 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree

2.        Good advancement of story – thanks

3.       Suggested tightening up language – agree, working

4.       Simplify discussion of route through mines – agree, working

5.       Shorten description of “Bagem” – agree, working

6.       Shorten mention of Israeli attacks - agree, working

7.       Recalled previous use of RC car – thanks

8.       Suggested replacing “fire, police, and medical” with “emergency” – agree

9.       Suggested Israeli fighters were F-15s – disagree; F-16s as written

BAM member –

1.       Interesting dialogue and story development – thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Confused about countries and the politics and characters – disagree

4.       Suggested new wording re SCIF – disagree, correct grammatically as written

BAM member (new member) –

1.       Loved the action, fast paced – thanks

2.       Suggested use of “incoming” – disagree; inappropriate for setting

3.       Suggested chapterization – working, will consider

4.       Questioned whether F-16s were configured for two aviators – yes

5.       Suggested use “Special” vice “Sensitive” in SCIF – disagree; correct as written

6.       Remove “Innocently” as adverb – agree, working

7.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

8.       Change “Flags” to Flag Officers” - agree

BAM member –

1.       First section good, great description - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Got lost in dialogue between Amir and Khalid – agree, working

4.       Great description of LCOL Framenstan - thanks

5.       Reduce duplicate mention of attack specifics – agree, working

6.       Conversation flowed - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Liked, kept attention – thanks

2.       Good dialogue – thanks

3.       Good description of FAE explosion – thanks

4.       Change “facsimile” to “fax” – agree, working

5.       Suggested tightening up paragraph – agree, working

6.       Nice humor re “pornographic memory” – thanks

7.       Good flow of conversation - thanks

BAM member -

1.       Questioned whether a passerby would look up – disagree

2.       Accentuate conflict between MCPO and VADM – agree, working

3.       Questioned whether highly explosive gas exploded – not at that point

4.       Suggested sentence change related to impact by gigantic wrecking ball – agree, working

5.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

6.       Questioned reference to an historical figure’s name – I changed the spelling, but knew of it

7.       Questioned character lying to stay in USMC – disagree

8.       Suggested spelling bedu with capital B – disagree; common usage in Arabia is bedu

9.       Suggested converting thoughts of character to spoken dialogue - agree

BAM member –

1.       Kept things (story) moving - thanks

2.       Didn’t understand reference to maintenance man – was described in earlier segment

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

4.       Suggested changing “Within a microsecond” to “In less than a second” - agree

5.       Liked image of giant wrecking ball description – thanks

6.       Change “facsimile” to “fax” – agree, working

7.       Questioned use of “building highway” – disagree, foreshadowing

8.       Questioned use of LCOL description including “pornographic memory” – working, part of character’s persona

9.       Suspected reference to NAM and carpet bombing was living in past – disagree, my character and appropriate for genre

10.   Questioned credibility of VADM and LCOL frankness – disagree; know someone like this

BAM member –

1.       Liked first couple of pages and dialogue - thanks

2.       Liked VADM and LCOL dialogue – thanks

3.       Didn’t expect to have to jump under a desk – thanks

4.       Suggested changing “container” to “cart” - disagree

BLOG POST 160

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 160

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total pages up to 173; total word countdown up to 93.4 K, and percent is 47.9 percent. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum.

BAM 17 August 2015 critique comments

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree

2.        Didn’t follow use of “lunch” “launch” -  subtle humor

3.       Reads well – thanks

4.       Suggested remove “”and I’m in the middle of it.” – disagree, the MD’s insight

5.       “It was” doesn’t fit – agree, working

6.       Thought water truck destroyed – no, only hit with fragments

BAM member  –

1.       Well written, continues to get better  – thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Didn’t follow use of “lunch” “launch” -  subtle humor

4.       Felt “sonofabitch” overused – agree, working

5.       Suggested use different word for “frazzled” – agree, working

6.       Reads very well and keeps you going; well done – thanks

7.       Good ending, funny - thanks

BAM member  –

1.       Suggested no use “It was.” – agree, working

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Clear and fast moving – thanks

4.       Lots of repetitive names, Ben Bedoo – disagree; father (MG), son (Cpt) – foreshadowing

BAM member  –

1.       Liked the action – thanks

2.       Kept wanting to read more – thanks

3.       Enjoyed the humor sprinkled in - thanks

4.       Good description, verbs used – thanks

5.       Questioned use of “lunch” “launch” -  subtle humor

6.       Questioned use of “sonofabitch”, “shit” – disagree; they’d just been bombed

BAM member  –

1.       Liked the action  - thanks

2.       Good descriptions  – thanks

3.       Liked the inklings/hints about water truck – thanks

4.       Enjoyed last line – “Duck!” – thanks

5.       Good dialogue between Anh and Tooley – thanks

6.       “It was” doesn’t fit – agree, working

7.       Good use of humor – thanks

8.       Enjoyed having kids in description - thanks

BAM member  –

1.       Liked the action - thanks

2.       Anh and Tooley’s dialogue artificial - working

3.       Remove “It was.” – agree, working

4.       Is Tooley the POV – at points

5.       Suggested rearranging search for locators and weapons – agree, working

BAM member  –

1.       Very interesting action  - thanks

2.       Unique dialogue  – thanks

3.       Good cut, back and forth in scenes  – thanks

4.       Was able to follow without getting lost – thanks

5.       Interesting development - thanks

BAM member  –

1.       Enjoyed the humor, especially “Duck!” - thanks

2.       “Ghoutra” not understood – traditional male Saudi head gear

3.       Reads well, I understood and followed   – thanks

BAM member  -

1.       Liked the action and comedy - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, and disagree

BAM member  –

1.       Makes you hang on - thanks

2.       No written comments