BLOG POST 159

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 159

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total pages up to 172; total word countdown up to 92.5 K, and percent is 47 percent. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum.

BAM 10 August 2015 critique comments

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree

2.        Suggested using more showing, vice telling (narrative) – agree, working

3.       Suggested moving adverb – agree, working

4.       Suggested making thoughts into dialogue – agree, working

5.       Reads well – thanks

6.       Suggested make thoughts into dialogue  – agree, working

7.       Loved it - thanks

BAM member  –

1.       Terrific here –thanks

2.        Good dialogue, action – thanks

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

4.       Part of page 3 “too talky” – working

5.       Good follow on – thanks

6.       Incorporate alarms in aircraft – disagree; infrared missile used (no aircraft sensors to detect)

BAM member  –

1.       Some very good writing  – thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Excellent rhythm and pace – thanks

4.       Language is very authentic – thanks

5.       Good action and imagery, highly visual  – thanks

6.       Good humor, raw language – thanks

7.       Liked “Blam … whoosh” – thanks; but will remove

8.       (Your writing has) really come along - thanks

BAM member  –

1.       Good chapter with lots of action and very good dialogue – thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Suggested verb changes to show effects of hearing loss – agree, working

4.       Suggested revised sentence – agree, working

5.       Military description appropriate and not overdone – thanks

6.       Suggested removing “Blam … whoosh” – agree, working

BAM member  –

1.       Sorry I left Saturday and missed earlier segment - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Suggested make thoughts into dialogue– agree, working

4.       How did Tooley know they were tracking cell phone – because he had read report of previous missile attack

BAM member  –

1.       Loved the tension; opened with a bang  – thanks

2.       Vivid imagery, great writing – thanks

3.       Suggested removing “her pulse and BP soared” unless medical analysis - disagree

4.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

5.       Love it! – thanks

6.       Cool, well done – thanks

7.       I can see this in my mind – thanks

8.       The dialogue is perfect, believable - thanks

BAM member  -

1.       So, Tooley knew (of tracking cell phones, but Amir didn’t) – Both knew, but Tooley acted

2.       Minimize telling (narrative); show – agree, working

3.       Wasn’t clear who is shooting whom – Saudis (see name) are shooting Israelis

4.       Remove “Blam … whoosh” – agree, working

BAM member  -

1.       Questioned how Tooley knew they were tracking cell phone – smart guy

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, and disagree

3.       Suggested removing “Blam … whoosh” – agree, working

4.       Great addition – thanks

5.       Watch POV shifts – agree, working

BAM member  –

1.       Great writing; you even manage humor – thanks

2.       Mentioned not pausing during reading –

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

4.       Much better, mixing nomenclature with everyday speech more natural – thanks

5.        Suggested making thoughts into dialogue – agree, working

6.       Liked the switch in POV (up in the air, then on the ground) - thanks

7.       Suggested making thoughts into new paragraph - disagree

BAM member  –

1.       Excellent description; I haven’t seen better from you  - thanks

2.       Improve awkward wording “outflanked and outgunned”  – agree, working

3.       Ejection seat description strong - thanks

BAM member  –

1.       Really is good; meaningful and clear - thanks

2.       No written comments

3.       Use less telling, more showing – agree, working

BLOG POST 158

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 158

Process – Completed reading Michael Shaara’s The Killer Angels.  It is the story of the Civil War Battle of Gettysburg, turning point of that war.

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total pages down to 171; total word countdown to 92K, and percent is 46 percent. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum.

The RWG guest speaker was New York Times Best Seller John Gilstrap, author of “No Mercy”, Nathan’s Run,” and “Against All Enemies.” He offered the following ideas based on being commercially successful as a thriller/mystery writer –

Select one POV, make it central to each scene

Use short sentences, paragraphs – even single word sentences

Insert a visual break or space if shift POV or scene

Find and use the minimal military jargon level

Incorporate a clueless character

Use conflicts, tension, drama in dialogue

Have characters do something to show their character

Use a variety of POVs, shifting POV

Use what works for you

His works go through following levels of review and approval – Editor; Copy editor; Page Proofer; Proof Reader. And yet he said mistakes still come out the end.  He doesn’t go back to fix them.  See john@johngilstrap.com

RWG 08 August 2015 critique comments

RWG member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree

2.        Suggested reworking a sentence – agree, working – thanks

3.       Asked if statement that Amir would be safer in Israel was serious or sarcastic - sarcastic

4.       Good foreshadowing of terror and follow through; well written – thanks

5.       Suggested rewording “a puzzled look saying” – agree, working

6.       Suggested replace (handgun) magazine with clips – disagree, correct terminology

RWG member –

1.       Asked how many were in first dialogue - three

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Dialogue better - thanks

4.       Questioned if technology of tracking phone was known to all (2005) – yes, working

5.       Liked dialogue about Emergency Team response and results – thanks

6.       Questioned whether several sections were foreshadowing – Yes.

RWG member –

1.       Liked story – thanks

2.       Is Tooley O’Toole – yes

3.       Suggested several sentences too formal – agree, disagree

4.       Many minor editorial changes – agree, working

5.       Suggested remove some military jargon – disagree; genre interest area

6.       Suggested change “planes” to “birds” – disagree; in military “bird’ is a missile

7.       Remove “standard brevity code …” – agree, working

8.       Liked description of rules for eating - thanks

RWG member –

1.       Excellent rhyme and dialogue – thanks

2.       Loved the secrecy – thanks

3.       Much improved - thanks

4.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

5.       Vivid, excellent – thanks

6.       Suggested reordering two sentences – agree, working

7.       Whole lot of interesting things; you’ve got a novel here – thanks

8.       1000 miles from last year’s effort – thanks

9.       Dialogue getting better and better – thanks

10.   Liked Tooley eating and analyzing the water truck - thanks

RWG member -

1.       Is a fine piece, much improved - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Suggested spelling Bedouin fully – disagree; common usage in Arabia is bedu

4.       Questioned removal of underling – disagree; needed as speaker’s emphasis

5.       Questioned use of “standard brevity code …” – agree, working

6.       Characters we care about – thanks

7.       Some technical data not needed – agree, working

8.       Liked Tooley analyzing the trucks tires while eating - thanks

RWG member –

1.       Very good, enjoyed – thanks

2.       Change “playing coy” to show, not tell – agree, working

3.       Change “measured alarm on his face” to show, not tell – agree, working

4.       Change “words were clear, directive” to show, not tell – agree, working

5.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

6.       Good use of foreshadowing, underlying tension  - thanks

7.       Suggested change of several words – agree, working

RWG member –

1.       Good scene with intruder - thanks

2.       Liked dialogue  – thanks

3.       A bit technical – working

4.       Liked description of fighter pilots - thanks

5.       Change awkward sentence about “we can track his phone” – agree, working

BLOG POST 157

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 157

Process – Am reading Michael Shaara’s  The Killer Angels.  It is athe story of the Civil War Battle of Gettysburg, turning point of that war.

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total pages down to 168; total word count remains 92K, and percent is 43 percent. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum.

Occasionally even a critique group suffers from the behavior of its members. One member brought in a segment written by spouse, which could be interpreted as criticism of some students in school. The body language of the member who brought and read the segment changed noticeably, and negatively as another member criticized not only the content but intentions of the writer. In my mind that was unprofessional and made the critique personal.

That critique, if one can call it that, seemed a rant to me.  The criticizer, a retired teacher with many years of teaching, took personal offense at words which described some teachers as mere baby sitters, who pass along failing students.

BAM 03 August 2015 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree

2.        Suggested reworking a sentence – agree, working – thanks

3.       Asked if statement that Amir would be safer in Israel was serious or sarcastic - sarcastic

4.       Good foreshadowing of terror and follow through; well written – thanks

5.       Suggested rewording “a puzzled look saying” – agree, working

6.       Suggested replace (handgun) magazine with clips – disagree, correct terminology

7.       What is a Salukhi – indigenous, wolf like Arabian dog

8.       Suggested rewording several paragraphs for flow – agree, working

9.       Good tension - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Liked interaction between characters, less technical matter – thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Suggested describing earth sheltered home agree, working

4.       Suggested moving one sentence to start of paragraph – agree, working

5.       Good conversation between the women – thanks

6.       Good intruder detail, very intense; seemed real – thanks

7.       Suggested rewording one sentence – agree, working

8.       Good way to defuse the intensity of intruder – thanks

9.       Good read; believable parent reactions - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Good dialogue – thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree and disagree; working

3.       Good on security alarm, siren and Intruder announcement - thanks

4.       Suggested identifying speakers in dialogue – agree, working

5.       Probably no Taser in Safe Room; would be place for deadly weapon(s)

6.       Good imagery of cubs in safe room – thanks

7.       Questioned whether youngsters would imagine heroic responses while in safe room – agree, working

8.       Liked use of “They’re humping” – thanks

9.       Good writing, some tension, suspense and humor – thanks

10.   Good ending – thanks

11.   Want to turn to next page - thanks   

BAM member –

1.       Great addition - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Show, don’t tell about earth-sheltered home – agree, working

4.       Questioned whether Fadia was at home – was, is (briefly)

5.       Great resolution to intruder – thanks

6.       Suggested make thoughts into stated words (didn’t feel right) – agree, working

7.       Loved scene getting into safe room - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Great imagery – thanks

2.       Loved the secrecy – thanks

3.       Suggested replacing “M&M” with “the boys” - disagree

4.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

5.       Reference to “kicking dementors’ ass” was great – thanks

6.       I can see it in my mind’s eye – thanks

7.       How is Fadia backup if she can use a Taser – disagree; she’s backup (last ditch)

8.       Questioned who is Allat – Ubaidi family pet Salukhi

9.       I understood this chapter easily; great writing – thanks

BAM member -

1.       Liked references to Harry Potter - thanks

2.       Really enjoyed Fadia - thanks

3.       Enjoyed stray dog being the intruder - thanks

4.       I enjoyed this part very much; can’t wait to read more – thanks

5.       Was waiting for someone to come in with dog (intruder)

6.       Separate use of cutting apples and peeling oranges – agree, working

7.       Great, funny, loved it - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Questioned why families were in a bomb shelter (earth sheltered home) – it was home

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Questioned if Saudi military had in-fighting – yes, as do all organizations

4.       Questioned use of American slang by an American

5.       Questioned Ashrah (ten in Arabic) - is a military unit, not a person

6.       Wonderful juxtaposition of terror amid the everyday – thanks

7.       Suggested “”We’ve got your back” in lieu of “You’re our backup” – disagree; doesn’t fit

8.       Your best writing is on this page (4); I liked a lot – thanks

9.       Suggested changing character’s words become thoughts – working

10.   Done so beautifully; good story - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Fun, and suspenseful (Guns and dogs) - thanks

2.       Suggested organize first paragraph better; describe home – agree, working

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

4.       Good mix of high and low, fear and dogs - thanks

5.       Questioned wording of whether Munirah said Fadia was - working

BAM member –

1.       Good scene with intruder - thanks

2.       Liked women’s’ conversation; made sense and credible - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Chapter in a book? - mainly

2.       Enjoyed the humor – thanks

3.       Fun to read; enjoyed – thanks

4.       Want to read more - thanks 

Blog Post 156

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 156

Process – Finished re-read of Clancy’s The Bear and the Dragon. It was a formidable thousand plus pages, but fascinating to a military vet.  The ending was exactly the same as the last time I read it.

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total pages 170; total word count 92K, and percent is 43 percent. I continue to  work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum.

BAM 27 July 2015 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Good dialogue – thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Who is Ubaidi? – LG Amir Ubaidi; identified earlier

4.       Suggested spell out HM (His Majesty) – agree

5.       Lots of different scenes, slowed a bit – working

6.       Too much on helo event – disagree; different characters relating it

7.       Writing getting better – thanks

8.       Enjoying more and more - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Good flow, getting better  – thanks

2.       Dialogue is good, but tends to be circular about helos – working; different characters involved

3.       Minor editorial changes  – agree, working

4.       Add context of different settings – agree, working

5.       Nice addition to story - thanks

BAM member -

1.       “Rotor head” and “wing walker” obscure references – agree, working

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Spell out the “elephant in the room” earlier – disagree; only applies to Amir and Tooley

4.       Shorten or eliminate multiple discussions of helo event – disagree; different characters and viewpoints involved

BAM member –

1.       Good interaction between characters – thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Good dialogue - thanks

4.       Reads very well – thanks

5.       Suggested spell out HM (His Majesty) – agree

6.       Correct two-way to read one-way window – agree

7.       Correct awkward phrasing “thought” – agree; working

BAM member –

1.       Intriguing, really good, reads well  - thanks

2.       Suggested not repeating helo incident – disagree, different characters discussing it

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

4.       Great hook at end - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Very interesting - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Kept reader involved, understandable  – thanks

4.       Questioned who was speaking in paragraph – disagree; it said “Ubaidi stated …

5.       Good ending, leaving reader wanting more – thanks

6.       Correct awkward phrasing “thought” – agree; working

7.       Good hook at end - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Nice opening - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Who is Ubaidi? – LG Amir Ubaidi; identified earlier

4.       Nice imagery at meeting of Amir and O’Toole – thanks

5.       Dialogue is too stiff – agree, working to add details

6.       Characters don’t seem to be in a normal setting – they aren’t. Agree, working

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial change – agree

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial change – agree

2.       Questioned “emerged quietly without an ego” – agree, working

3.       Liked reactions of characters, and implications of the reactions - thanks

BAM member –

1.       No written comments

2.       Able to follow – thanks

3.       Sometimes not sure of speakers’ identity - working

Blog Post 155

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 155

BAM 20 July 2015 critique comments

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree

2.        Good flow – thanks

3.       Suggested change of dialogue to inner dialogue – disagree

4.       Questioned meaning of A roll video – TV journalist/photographer term

5.       Clarify “Iranian front” – agree, working

BAM member  –

1.       Good dialogue – thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Suggested identifying speakers in dialogue – agree, working

BAM member  -

1.       Narrative is too lengthy, shorten - working

2.       Questioned whether a boy would ask this – my character does

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

4.       Questioned meaning of A roll video – TV journalist/photographer term

BAM member  –

1.       Liked dialogue between Tooley and son – thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Suggested delete second “din” of “din din” – disagree

4.       Thought final portion – phone conversation from Iran on war preps was about air combat - no

BAM member  –

1.       Dialogue between Tooley and son was great - thanks

2.       Suggested add body gestures and expressions to dialogue – agree, working

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

4.       Last portion too technical, suggested deletion – disagree, style and genre, background

5.       Questioned meaning of A roll video – TV journalist/photographer term

BAM member  –

1.       Questioned where initial dialogue took place – same as previous, Arabia

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Each chapter a surprise, an interesting story – thanks

4.       Questioned meaning of A roll video – TV journalist/photographer term

BLOG POST 153

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 153

Process – No changes.

BAM 29 June 2015 critique comments

BAM member   –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree, and disagree

2.        Misread Italics (self thought) as dialogue

3.       Questioned meaning, usage of palms upward – working to clarify

4.        Questioned P sub K (Probability of Kill) – agree, working

5.       Suggested describe direction Al Khali went – disagree; intended to leave it unclear

6.       Suggested identify direction recruit pointed – disagree; intended to leave it unclear

7.       Suggested change “away from the public” to read “on a short leash” - agree

BAM member   –

1.       Page one excellent – thanks

2.       Best I’ve seen you provide - thanks

3.       May need better transitions - working

4.       Better use of acronyms - thanks

5.       Minor editorial changes – agree, and disagree

6.       Explain rhetorical comment – disagree

7.       Clarify Blackhawks being refueled – agree, working

8.       Clarify what transmission – disagree; covered above as spy transmitted

9.       Suggested describe part in more detail – disagree, want to leave vague, intriguing

BAM member   –

1.       Great moving action, good use of dialogue - thanks

2.       Questioned whether entry to meeting room on a different level – no, single floor, underground

3.       Questioned whether POV was clear as he understood it – yes, you understood it as I wrote it

BAM member   –

1.       Good chapter, good action and suspense – thanks

2.       Shot gunned is single word - agree

3.       Questioned Capitalization, bolding for Call Signs, aviation orders – agree

4.       Good foreshadowing at end – thanks

5.       Minor editorial changes – agree, and disagree

6.       Make Search and Rescue lower case – disagree, specific military usage

7.       Unclear why entry at different door made difference – explained previously

8.       GPS targeting would have been more precise – agree; missile aim point was fifty meters east of where watch signal ceased

BAM member   -

8.       Good sequence  – thanks

1.       Confusion with names Kareemi, Al Khali – agree, working

2.       Needs more info in certain areas – agree, working

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, and disagree

4.       Add more about Al Khali’s Israeli connection – working

5.       Questioned use of P sub K (Probability of Kill) – agree, working

6.       Suggested removal of Blackhawk Call Signs – disagree, relevant later

7.       Suggested add Al Khali as name of the Sergeant Israeli helos are going to rescue – disagree; they would have been briefed on his Israeli name (Levi Megoonar)

BAM member   –

1.       Mostly clear, moves well - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Suggested convert two paragraphs to dialogue – agree, working

BAM member   –

1.       Easy to follow, drew me in instantly; Kudos - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes - agree

3.       Liked humor of insufferable know-it-all – thanks

4.       I liked the tension building up; nice work - thanks

BAM member   –

1.       Wow! - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes - agree

3.       Liked humor, comic relief – thanks

4.       Was unclear intended usage of changed font/italics – self thoughts

5.       Simplify identification of NMCC command center - agree

BAM member   –

1.       Very well done - thanks

2.       The best so far  – thanks

3.       Good simple dialogue, fast moving – thanks

4.       Questioned female officer in Saudi forces – disagree; author making a point

5.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

6.       Clarify what transmission – disagree; covered above as spy transmitted

7.       Questioned whether Sergeant would talk this way to Colonel – disagree; it was First Lieutenant

BAM member   –

1.       No written comments

2.       Able to understand all the way through – thanks

3.       Good job – thanks