BLOG POST 151

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 151

Authors – I received a very helpful book for Father’s Day – The Art of Fiction, for Young Writers by John Gardner.  One of the RWG members mentioned it as a very helpful source on style.

Local Authors –

RWG 13 June 2015 critique comments

Remote reviewer  – He provided seventeen suggestions in style; flow; dialogue; clarity; and plot.

Style  -

1.       Minor word and editorial changes – agree, working

2.       Corrected spelling of Majj Noon to Majnoon – agree

3.       Questioned use of Such and Such bridge – disagree

4.       Suggested changing yelled to screamed – agree

5.       Suggested more graphic description of explosion - agree

6.       Suggested improvements to final sentence/hook – agree

7.       Suggested delete “indeed.” – disagree, writer choice

Flow –

8.       Change that to the for flow – agree

9.        Change tech to technician - agree

Dialogue –

10.   Suggested adding another sentence about lotta red paint for fuselage marking – disagree, overkill and not consistent with aviation usage

11.    Keeps you (reader) on edge - thanks

Clarity –

12.   Questioned use of “advise” for when pilot sighted target – disagree, standard aviator usage

13.    Questioned use of “unlock” – disagree, writer choice to refer to decryption

14.   Questioned order of things to eat – disagree; usage to confirm identify of terrorist on his phone

Plot - 

15.   Add roughly before 15:45 - agree

16.    Questioned whether Mossad would want to kill Jubali so soon after his predecessor – disagree

17.   Suggested more description of section leader – disagree, familiar to military readers

18.   Questioned knowing when terrorist would cross bridge – disagree, knew location, destination and route.

BAM 15 June 2015 critique comments

BAM member  –

19.   Good, credible advancement of story -thanks

20.    Increase panic, consternation of missile strike – agree, working

21.   Minor editorial changes – agree, working

22.   Revisit POV shift – working

23.   Change “launched” to activated – agree

24.   Questioned why Amir would want O’Toole to visit – intrigue, taunt Israelis indirectly

25.   Part about satellite images and base targeting very good – thanks

26.   Change format of third from last sentence – agree, working

27.   Good development of interest in spies – thanks

28.   Liked the confusion of missile strike and running for exits - thanks

BAM member  -

1.       Good progress and action – thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Suggested clarify “- not present, but accounted for” – agree, working

4.       Spell out NFG, WTF – agree

5.       Improve clarity of timing of short segments – agree, working

6.       Eliminate use of rhetorical questions – agree, working

7.       Explain why missile failed – disagree, it’s there

8.       Dramatize explosion – agree, working

9.       Suggested rearranging paragraphs for sequence/timing - working

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

2.       Have Colonel Daoud slam podium with fist for emphasis – agree

3.       Lots of tension and action - thanks

BAM member  –

1.       Spell out bedu - agree

2.       Great action and good dialogue – thanks

3.       Read better than last week - thanks

4.       Liked “confidence dripping from his voice” - thanks

5.       Confused by orphan line at bottom of printed page 4 – CRRL reformat during printing

6.       Change “sheds” - agree

BAM member  –

1.       Interesting story with lots of new twists – thanks

2.       Extensive descriptive narrative slows plot - thanks

3.       Questioned use of a female officer working with men  – disagree; part of iconoclastic author

4.       Questioned how many dead or wounded in missile strike – none, working to describe better