Blog Post 149

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 149

Authors – Started a re-read of Clancy’s The Bear and the Dragon.

Local Authors – Found a FREE events and workshops flyer in DC from The Writer’s Center – see www.writer.org .

BAM 08 June 2015 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Suggested tightening the discussion, focus – agree, working

1.        Minor editorial changes – agree, working

2.       Shorten lengthy sentences – agree, working

3.       Use biometrics, vice bionic – agree, working

4.       Change narrative about discovery by dates (yes a food) to action, dialogue – agree, working

5.       Flowed well, built suspense – thanks

6.       Personalize characters – agree, struggling

BAM member –

1.       Suggested different paragraph order – working to improve

2.       Minor editorial changes – working

3.       Clarify presentation of promotion – agree, working

4.       Thought use of digital watches to communicate a great idea – thanks

5.       Improve transitions – agree, working

6.       Questioned use of bionic (now biometric) chairs as lie detectors – disagree, unseen by those being questioned

7.       Found use of two characters named Daoud confusing – disagree, life is confusing

8.       Liked use of Hebrew for sonofabitch – thanks

9.       Clarify second use of biometric chairs to interrogate detained infiltrators – working

10.   Not sure where this segment fits in rest of story – agree, working

11.   Clarify why character whispered in room with three people – agree, working

BAM member -

2.       Good addition (underscored) – thanks

3.       Improve methods of discovery of infiltrators – working, but this was intentional

4.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

5.       Improve transitions – agree, working

6.       Plans to catch infiltrators too haphazard, fragmented – true, intentional, working to improve

7.       Questioned plans to use software to identify infiltrators – it was author’s red herring

8.       Use of dates (food) as discovery confusing – this is actual Saudi medical issue, but working to clarify words

9.       Unclear for which side sniper trainee Tariq worked – disagree, in following paragraph

10.   Suggested change “taps” to “days end” – disagree, taps is appropriate military jargon

11.   Questioned not including explanation of Colonel Daoud for changing the All Hands meeting – disagree, intentionally left hanging to tingle readers

12.   Thought very humorous - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial suggestions – considering

2.       Suggested more emotion by characters – working

3.       Characters all sound alike – agree, they’re military, and in a very structured culture

4.       MODA unclear – defined earlier – Ministry of Defense and Aviation (Saudi DOD)

5.       Suggested change “appearance” to “demeanor” – agree

6.       Liked inclusion of Hebrew for sonofabitch – thanks

7.       Clarify decoding of spy’s message – agree, working

BAM member –

1.       The writing is clear, but better transitions needed – agree, working

2.       Minor editorial suggestions – considering

3.       Questioned whether bribe was in jest – no, writer cultural reference

4.       Disliked use of “smirk” – disagree, to smile in an irritatingly smug, conceited, or silly way.

BAM member –

1.       Suggested elaborating without boring readers - working

2.       Increase action level of dialogue – agree, working

3.       Improve description of General Amir, standing, then sitting – was intentional, but will improve wording

4.       Questioned use of “first hint of progress” – disagree, building story, working to improve wording

5.       Liked Aha moment of digital watch – thanks

6.       Suggested expansion of medical discovery by dates – agree, working

7.       Identify which medical readings spiked vs plummeted – agree, working

8.       Suggested improve transitions – agree, working

9.       At times reads well, at other times clinical – agree, working

10.   Describe interrogation room – agree, working

BAM member –

1.       Fully enjoyed the characters trying to find spies, juggling technology – thanks

2.       Clarify use of too expert vs suspiciously weak skills of suspects – working to improve wording

3.       Why was one suspect questioned, the other not – “I have a feeling”

BAM member –

1.       Folks with lots of money, not much sense – seems judgmental

2.        Really humorous – thanks

3.       Improve use of superlative vs really weak recruits – agree, working

4.       Thought use of signal intercept van sensible – agree

5.       Thought description of dates and blood sugar level was folk medicine – disagree, factual

6.       Liked discovery by low tech tattoo -

BAM member –

1.       Liked how traitor caught (tattoo) – thanks

2.       Found the names confusing, Daoud as both good and bad guy – disagree, intentional author choice (as side note – 1980s Riyadh phone directory arranged by first name – think Mohammed

BAM member –

1.       A very interesting story – thanks

2.       The use of a tattoo as discovery was very good - thanks

3.       Was not certain if dates referred to calendar  – disagree; dates don’t come from home town

4.       Had trouble with names – agree, but part of the setting

Process – Progress, in terms of critiqued segments, stands at 35 percent; 55 pages reviewed out of a total of 165 pages, 83K words.  

I realistically view sales as a dream, or miracle. In recent months I’ve offered copies of the first novel, Golden Gate, FREE to many individuals who only had to email me. Of the dozens of potential readers only one responded. Even my children and step children don’t seem to have an interest. Should I care?

Trying a frantic sequence of three segments for review. I’ve got two ready – one for tonight’s Books-A-Million group. Then on to Saturday’s writers group, followed by next Monday’s (06/15/2015) BAM critique; only the latter is still in flux.