BLOG POST 153

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 153

Process – No changes.

BAM 29 June 2015 critique comments

BAM member   –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree, and disagree

2.        Misread Italics (self thought) as dialogue

3.       Questioned meaning, usage of palms upward – working to clarify

4.        Questioned P sub K (Probability of Kill) – agree, working

5.       Suggested describe direction Al Khali went – disagree; intended to leave it unclear

6.       Suggested identify direction recruit pointed – disagree; intended to leave it unclear

7.       Suggested change “away from the public” to read “on a short leash” - agree

BAM member   –

1.       Page one excellent – thanks

2.       Best I’ve seen you provide - thanks

3.       May need better transitions - working

4.       Better use of acronyms - thanks

5.       Minor editorial changes – agree, and disagree

6.       Explain rhetorical comment – disagree

7.       Clarify Blackhawks being refueled – agree, working

8.       Clarify what transmission – disagree; covered above as spy transmitted

9.       Suggested describe part in more detail – disagree, want to leave vague, intriguing

BAM member   –

1.       Great moving action, good use of dialogue - thanks

2.       Questioned whether entry to meeting room on a different level – no, single floor, underground

3.       Questioned whether POV was clear as he understood it – yes, you understood it as I wrote it

BAM member   –

1.       Good chapter, good action and suspense – thanks

2.       Shot gunned is single word - agree

3.       Questioned Capitalization, bolding for Call Signs, aviation orders – agree

4.       Good foreshadowing at end – thanks

5.       Minor editorial changes – agree, and disagree

6.       Make Search and Rescue lower case – disagree, specific military usage

7.       Unclear why entry at different door made difference – explained previously

8.       GPS targeting would have been more precise – agree; missile aim point was fifty meters east of where watch signal ceased

BAM member   -

8.       Good sequence  – thanks

1.       Confusion with names Kareemi, Al Khali – agree, working

2.       Needs more info in certain areas – agree, working

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, and disagree

4.       Add more about Al Khali’s Israeli connection – working

5.       Questioned use of P sub K (Probability of Kill) – agree, working

6.       Suggested removal of Blackhawk Call Signs – disagree, relevant later

7.       Suggested add Al Khali as name of the Sergeant Israeli helos are going to rescue – disagree; they would have been briefed on his Israeli name (Levi Megoonar)

BAM member   –

1.       Mostly clear, moves well - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Suggested convert two paragraphs to dialogue – agree, working

BAM member   –

1.       Easy to follow, drew me in instantly; Kudos - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes - agree

3.       Liked humor of insufferable know-it-all – thanks

4.       I liked the tension building up; nice work - thanks

BAM member   –

1.       Wow! - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes - agree

3.       Liked humor, comic relief – thanks

4.       Was unclear intended usage of changed font/italics – self thoughts

5.       Simplify identification of NMCC command center - agree

BAM member   –

1.       Very well done - thanks

2.       The best so far  – thanks

3.       Good simple dialogue, fast moving – thanks

4.       Questioned female officer in Saudi forces – disagree; author making a point

5.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

6.       Clarify what transmission – disagree; covered above as spy transmitted

7.       Questioned whether Sergeant would talk this way to Colonel – disagree; it was First Lieutenant

BAM member   –

1.       No written comments

2.       Able to understand all the way through – thanks

3.       Good job – thanks

BLOG POST 152

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 152

Process – As a new technique to sustain a greater level of review and consolidation of the novel I’ve begun working three to four segments simultaneously. Unfortunately some segments are ready for review out of sequence to the timeline. Such is life.

BAM 22 June 2015 critique comments

BAM member  –

1.       Really liked action - thanks

2.        Confused by names, nicknames – agree, working to simplify

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

4.       Explain what Peters is doing, explain his nervousness – agree, working

5.       Describe placement of Arabia, Jordan, Israel – disagree, implied in north, south and geography

6.       Is a Warrant an officer - yes

BAM member  -

1.       One of better efforts – thanks

2.       Confusion with names Kareemi, Al Khali – agree, working

3.       Suggested clarify “- not present, but accounted for” – agree, working

4.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

BAM member  –

1.       Not clear who is on which side - working

2.       Use acronyms in dialogue – disagree, Call Signs and aviation orders are not acronyms

3.       Read better than last week – thanks

4.       Minor editorial changes – agree

5.       Need to clarify that Hummer is in the scene – working

6.       Not clear at whom the helo is shooting – disagree, at spy, murderer in Hummer

7.       Confused as to American, Israeli, and spy – the spy is Kareemi Al Khali (Israeli), but this isn’t his real name

BAM member  –

1.       Great moving action, good use of dialogue - thanks

2.       Questioned POV in one area - working

3.       Lots of tension and action – thanks

4.       Good description of helo wiping out Hummer – thanks

5.       Minor editorial changes – agree

6.       Clarify that helo means helicopter – agree

7.       Asked if Saudi helo was an Apache – no, a straight stick (basic) Huey configured as gunship

8.       Reduce technical level describing helo controls – agree, working

BAM member  –

1.       Good war scene - thanks

2.       Confused at who was who – agree, working to simplify naming

3.       Build empathy or emotion for Al Khali’s death – disagree, he’s a spy and murderer

4.       Good description of helo wiping out Hummer – thanks

5.       Are helos helicopters – yes

6.       Good details of helo wiping out Hummer – thanks

7.       Minor editorial changes – agree

BAM member  –

1.       Clarify “cyclic” usage  – agree, working (controls Huey movements)

2.       Clarify “Tell that bastard of consequence …” – agree, working

3.       Very good description of helo wiping out Hummer – thanks

4.       Good dialogue – thanks

5.       Clarify who pushed red button on speaker console – agree, working

6.       Is someone pro-Israeli – not exactly

BAM member  –

1.       Action wonderful – thanks

2.       Clarify who is who - working

3.       Clarify who is pilot – Saudi Major Walid Najeed

4.       Capitalize wadi - disagree

BAM member  –

1.       Confused by use of varying names for characters – agree, working

2.       Great action and good dialogue – thanks

3.       Read better than last week – thanks

4.       Asked about wadis – dry creek beds in desert

BAM member  –

1.       Good action, dialogue – thanks

2.       Helo used too often – agree, working

3.       Questioned Capitalization, bolding for Call signs, aviation orders – investigating

4.       Liked cliff hanger tension at end – thanks

5.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

6.       Remove exclamation points and ellipses – agree, working

BAM member  –

1.       No written comments

2.       Good stuff in here – thanks

3.       No idea who was fighting – agree, working to clarify

4.       Good tension at end – thanks

BAM member  –

1.       No written comments

2.       Liked action and ending - thanks

BAM member  –

1.       Reads well, lots of very good action – thanks

2.       Excellent story movement - thanks

BLOG POST 151

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 151

Authors – I received a very helpful book for Father’s Day – The Art of Fiction, for Young Writers by John Gardner.  One of the RWG members mentioned it as a very helpful source on style.

Local Authors –

RWG 13 June 2015 critique comments

Remote reviewer  – He provided seventeen suggestions in style; flow; dialogue; clarity; and plot.

Style  -

1.       Minor word and editorial changes – agree, working

2.       Corrected spelling of Majj Noon to Majnoon – agree

3.       Questioned use of Such and Such bridge – disagree

4.       Suggested changing yelled to screamed – agree

5.       Suggested more graphic description of explosion - agree

6.       Suggested improvements to final sentence/hook – agree

7.       Suggested delete “indeed.” – disagree, writer choice

Flow –

8.       Change that to the for flow – agree

9.        Change tech to technician - agree

Dialogue –

10.   Suggested adding another sentence about lotta red paint for fuselage marking – disagree, overkill and not consistent with aviation usage

11.    Keeps you (reader) on edge - thanks

Clarity –

12.   Questioned use of “advise” for when pilot sighted target – disagree, standard aviator usage

13.    Questioned use of “unlock” – disagree, writer choice to refer to decryption

14.   Questioned order of things to eat – disagree; usage to confirm identify of terrorist on his phone

Plot - 

15.   Add roughly before 15:45 - agree

16.    Questioned whether Mossad would want to kill Jubali so soon after his predecessor – disagree

17.   Suggested more description of section leader – disagree, familiar to military readers

18.   Questioned knowing when terrorist would cross bridge – disagree, knew location, destination and route.

BAM 15 June 2015 critique comments

BAM member  –

19.   Good, credible advancement of story -thanks

20.    Increase panic, consternation of missile strike – agree, working

21.   Minor editorial changes – agree, working

22.   Revisit POV shift – working

23.   Change “launched” to activated – agree

24.   Questioned why Amir would want O’Toole to visit – intrigue, taunt Israelis indirectly

25.   Part about satellite images and base targeting very good – thanks

26.   Change format of third from last sentence – agree, working

27.   Good development of interest in spies – thanks

28.   Liked the confusion of missile strike and running for exits - thanks

BAM member  -

1.       Good progress and action – thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Suggested clarify “- not present, but accounted for” – agree, working

4.       Spell out NFG, WTF – agree

5.       Improve clarity of timing of short segments – agree, working

6.       Eliminate use of rhetorical questions – agree, working

7.       Explain why missile failed – disagree, it’s there

8.       Dramatize explosion – agree, working

9.       Suggested rearranging paragraphs for sequence/timing - working

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

2.       Have Colonel Daoud slam podium with fist for emphasis – agree

3.       Lots of tension and action - thanks

BAM member  –

1.       Spell out bedu - agree

2.       Great action and good dialogue – thanks

3.       Read better than last week - thanks

4.       Liked “confidence dripping from his voice” - thanks

5.       Confused by orphan line at bottom of printed page 4 – CRRL reformat during printing

6.       Change “sheds” - agree

BAM member  –

1.       Interesting story with lots of new twists – thanks

2.       Extensive descriptive narrative slows plot - thanks

3.       Questioned use of a female officer working with men  – disagree; part of iconoclastic author

4.       Questioned how many dead or wounded in missile strike – none, working to describe better

BLOG POST 150

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 150

Authors – Started a re-read of Clancy’s The Bear and the Dragon. It is a formidable thousand plus pages, but fascinating to a military vet.

Local Authors – Met local author Jamil Aaron, who was at the Salem Church branch of the local library to promote his book – Thinking with the Big Head.

RWG 13 June 2015 critique comments

RWG member  –

1.       Good action, tension – thanks

1.        Keeps you (reader) on edge - thanks

2.       Good dialogue; topical military talk – thanks

3.       Very visual; good job – thanks

4.       Good humor hook to keep you reading the book - thanks

RWG member  –

1.       Excellent suspense and denouement – thanks

2.       Gently constructed sequence – good dialogue – thanks

3.       Questioned whether terrorists’ car was armored – no

4.       Remarkably good dialogue – thanks

5.       Clear what happened; damn good – thanks

6.       Stands by itself - thanks

RWG member  –

1.       Nice tight writing, good tension – thanks

2.       Very graphic (bits of terrorists), keep it – thanks

3.       Great – “paint a car on the side of fuselage” – thanks

4.       Plot (of taking out terrorist) too easy – disagree

RWG member  –

1.       Questioned scrambling of CAP due cost – agree, working

2.       Asked how two agents would move into place – disagree, not necessary to flow

3.       Great action, tension - thanks

4.       Suggested verify use of “FOX ONE” for Hellfire – agree; will use correct term for Maverick (RIFLE)

5.       Good use of tension hook at end – thanks

6.       Military talk realistic – thanks

7.       Asked how two agents knew which car – agree, working

8.       Good use of aviator bravado – “paint car on side …” - thanks

RWG member  –

1.       Wow – “just signed his death certificate” - thanks

2.        Progresses very well – thanks

3.       I like this better than anything you’ve brought lately/written - thanks

4.       Very good choice - :bits of terrorists” - thanks

5.       Good intro to what follows - thanks

6.       Good; not too much military nomenclature; credible - thanks

RWG member  –

1.       Questioned “Such and Such” bridge – slang for Shukhan bin Shukhan

2.       There’s a lot of good stuff here; enjoyed the action - thanks

3.       The story was interesting – thanks

4.       Some of aviator comments sound too American – disagree; IAF and USN, USAF train together

RWG member  –

1.       Very clear, though technical – thanks

2.       Good, smooth moving narrative - thanks

3.       Great action piece, good dialogue - thanks

4.       Minor editorial changes – disagree and agree, working

5.       Smiley face - thanks

RWG member  –

1.       Great tension, very good plot and action - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – disagree and agree, working

3.       Great – “paint a car on the side of fuselage” - thanks

4.       Suggested change home plate to home base – disagree; correct aviator terminology

5.       Change expensive to luxury – agree

6.       Poor Jabali – I felt for him – thanks

7.       Loved, loved … Good, good – thanks

8.       Loved tension throughout - thanks

RWG member  –

1.       Good dialogue – thanks

2.       Military lingo enhances the story - thanks

3.       Dramatic – “signed his death certificate” - thanks

4.       It seems the writer understands military lingo – definitely

5.       Suggested a more graphic description – disagree; works as is

6.       Liked use of baseball metaphor “home plate” – actually just military aviator jargon

7.       Good hook at end - thanks

Military technical expert  –

1.       Change Hellfire to Maverick for technical accuracy - agree

Blog Post 149

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 149

Authors – Started a re-read of Clancy’s The Bear and the Dragon.

Local Authors – Found a FREE events and workshops flyer in DC from The Writer’s Center – see www.writer.org .

BAM 08 June 2015 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Suggested tightening the discussion, focus – agree, working

1.        Minor editorial changes – agree, working

2.       Shorten lengthy sentences – agree, working

3.       Use biometrics, vice bionic – agree, working

4.       Change narrative about discovery by dates (yes a food) to action, dialogue – agree, working

5.       Flowed well, built suspense – thanks

6.       Personalize characters – agree, struggling

BAM member –

1.       Suggested different paragraph order – working to improve

2.       Minor editorial changes – working

3.       Clarify presentation of promotion – agree, working

4.       Thought use of digital watches to communicate a great idea – thanks

5.       Improve transitions – agree, working

6.       Questioned use of bionic (now biometric) chairs as lie detectors – disagree, unseen by those being questioned

7.       Found use of two characters named Daoud confusing – disagree, life is confusing

8.       Liked use of Hebrew for sonofabitch – thanks

9.       Clarify second use of biometric chairs to interrogate detained infiltrators – working

10.   Not sure where this segment fits in rest of story – agree, working

11.   Clarify why character whispered in room with three people – agree, working

BAM member -

2.       Good addition (underscored) – thanks

3.       Improve methods of discovery of infiltrators – working, but this was intentional

4.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

5.       Improve transitions – agree, working

6.       Plans to catch infiltrators too haphazard, fragmented – true, intentional, working to improve

7.       Questioned plans to use software to identify infiltrators – it was author’s red herring

8.       Use of dates (food) as discovery confusing – this is actual Saudi medical issue, but working to clarify words

9.       Unclear for which side sniper trainee Tariq worked – disagree, in following paragraph

10.   Suggested change “taps” to “days end” – disagree, taps is appropriate military jargon

11.   Questioned not including explanation of Colonel Daoud for changing the All Hands meeting – disagree, intentionally left hanging to tingle readers

12.   Thought very humorous - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial suggestions – considering

2.       Suggested more emotion by characters – working

3.       Characters all sound alike – agree, they’re military, and in a very structured culture

4.       MODA unclear – defined earlier – Ministry of Defense and Aviation (Saudi DOD)

5.       Suggested change “appearance” to “demeanor” – agree

6.       Liked inclusion of Hebrew for sonofabitch – thanks

7.       Clarify decoding of spy’s message – agree, working

BAM member –

1.       The writing is clear, but better transitions needed – agree, working

2.       Minor editorial suggestions – considering

3.       Questioned whether bribe was in jest – no, writer cultural reference

4.       Disliked use of “smirk” – disagree, to smile in an irritatingly smug, conceited, or silly way.

BAM member –

1.       Suggested elaborating without boring readers - working

2.       Increase action level of dialogue – agree, working

3.       Improve description of General Amir, standing, then sitting – was intentional, but will improve wording

4.       Questioned use of “first hint of progress” – disagree, building story, working to improve wording

5.       Liked Aha moment of digital watch – thanks

6.       Suggested expansion of medical discovery by dates – agree, working

7.       Identify which medical readings spiked vs plummeted – agree, working

8.       Suggested improve transitions – agree, working

9.       At times reads well, at other times clinical – agree, working

10.   Describe interrogation room – agree, working

BAM member –

1.       Fully enjoyed the characters trying to find spies, juggling technology – thanks

2.       Clarify use of too expert vs suspiciously weak skills of suspects – working to improve wording

3.       Why was one suspect questioned, the other not – “I have a feeling”

BAM member –

1.       Folks with lots of money, not much sense – seems judgmental

2.        Really humorous – thanks

3.       Improve use of superlative vs really weak recruits – agree, working

4.       Thought use of signal intercept van sensible – agree

5.       Thought description of dates and blood sugar level was folk medicine – disagree, factual

6.       Liked discovery by low tech tattoo -

BAM member –

1.       Liked how traitor caught (tattoo) – thanks

2.       Found the names confusing, Daoud as both good and bad guy – disagree, intentional author choice (as side note – 1980s Riyadh phone directory arranged by first name – think Mohammed

BAM member –

1.       A very interesting story – thanks

2.       The use of a tattoo as discovery was very good - thanks

3.       Was not certain if dates referred to calendar  – disagree; dates don’t come from home town

4.       Had trouble with names – agree, but part of the setting

Process – Progress, in terms of critiqued segments, stands at 35 percent; 55 pages reviewed out of a total of 165 pages, 83K words.  

I realistically view sales as a dream, or miracle. In recent months I’ve offered copies of the first novel, Golden Gate, FREE to many individuals who only had to email me. Of the dozens of potential readers only one responded. Even my children and step children don’t seem to have an interest. Should I care?

Trying a frantic sequence of three segments for review. I’ve got two ready – one for tonight’s Books-A-Million group. Then on to Saturday’s writers group, followed by next Monday’s (06/15/2015) BAM critique; only the latter is still in flux.