A new avenue opened up in the
process of critiquing segments of the third novel of the Tessera Trilogy. An
online forum was identified which may be helpful, when I get to the point of
having segments ready for outside review. Once a week the following online
forum offers critiques of segments.
http://www.reddit.com/r/writing/
I decided to give the forum a try, and assess what I think
of any critiques submitted. I’ll try a segment from Sooley Base, see how it
goes and report back.
Kashan Kashmeeri currently stands at 110 (was 96) pages and 54
(was 48.5) K words. Lots of work ongoing with research, putting together
dialogue and identifying lesser (throwaway) characters. The most challenging
effort is to visualize and develop believable military and diplomatic scenarios
of the struggle between War and Peace – the central theme of Kashan
Kashmeeri.
Rough draft segments of the very start of Kashan Kashmeeri
were reviewed/critiqued this week. Offspring did the honors initially, and then
those versions were reviewed/critiqued at the March RWG meeting. In one fell
swoop basically four reviews were achieved.
Offspring’s suggestions/comments follow for first segment:
Reduce characters posing questions –
agree; in process
Limit sentences starting with he,
she – agree; in process
Limit language of theater – agree;
in process
Improve transitions – agree; in
process
Various typos and grammatical
suggestions – agree; in process
Reduce repetition of verbs,
adjectives – agree; in process
Tighten up drama of wording –
agree; in process
Use body language to convey emotion
– agree; in process
Reduce dialogue – disagree
Reduce internal dialogues – disagree
Describe events as they happen –
agree; in process
Last page (3 of 3) very well
written– agree; in process
Dislike ‘quickness’ of romance – disagree
Offspring’s suggestions/comments follow for second
segment:
Reduce impression of an
interrogation – agree; in process
Incorporate transitions – agree; in
process
‘Cheesy’ narrative – disagree
Improve natural conversational flow
– agree; in process
Describe emotions through face and
body – agree; in process
Improve dialogue (too formal) –
agree; in process
Suggestions for dialogue – agree;
in process
RWG member
review comments:
After revising the segments were taken to March RWG meeting. The first
segment was read at the RWG meeting, with the second was read and critiqued at
the end of the meeting.
Three RWG members provided written critiques of
the first segment, as follows:
The
first segment reading drew enthusiastic applause and smiles. The response, especially at the RWG meeting,
was very encouraging. A RWG male member offered that he enjoyed the dialogue and stated he
thought dialogue was hard to write. A female member stated that she enjoyed the
dialogue and the story’s characters. I’ve noted comments as originating from
males or females because there are very different perspectives apparent.
First reviewer - RWG male member
- Very
interesting story
Second reviewer – RWG female member
- Question
about punctuation - disagree
- Some
part of sentence missing – agree; in process
- Minor
editorial, punctuation suggestions – in process
Third reviewer - RWG female member
- Excellent
story line – agree
- Nice
development of the characters and their relationship –
agree
- Minor
editorial, punctuation suggestions – agree; in
process
- Explain
‘aunt’ – agree; in
process
- Incorporate
time break (transition) – agree;
in process
- Various
wording suggestions – agree; in
process
- Incorporate
transition for pool party – agree;
in process
- Explain
relationship of Tuyet– agree
in part, covered in prior novels. in
process
A summary of critiques, reactions, and suggestions to the
second segment appear below.
First reviewer - RWG male member
1.
Smooth flowing, interesting story
- Hooks
reader with before and after glimpses
- Dialogue
biased toward a male POV – agree;
in process
- Vary
dialogue – agree; in
process
- Setting
seems condensed – disagree; in process
- Concerned
with apparent age disparity of characters – disagree
Second reviewer – RWG
female member
1. Nice
visuals to setting
2. Suggests
use of accents in character speech – disagree
3. Smooth,
nice flow
Third reviewer - RWG female member
1.
Suggestions as to description of female character – agree; in process
2. Suggestions
as to dialogue – agree; in process
3. Describe
how parents held family together– disagree; superfluous
4. Minor
editorial suggestion – agree; in process
Fourth reviewer – RWG male member
- Good
dialogue, believable conversation
- Good
way to introduce family background
- Suggested
use of poor English to affect Vietnamese background – agree; in
process
- Questioned
use of ‘cockily’ – agree; in
process
- Suggested
showing how characters came together – agree;
in prior novels
6.
Minor editorial suggestion – agree; in process
7.
Fun
Fifth reviewer – RWG female member
- Add
pronunciation key to characters names – disagree; some will follow
- Said
flow interrupted by foreign names – disagree
Sixth reviewer – RWG female member
1.
Suggest identifying characters and setting – disagree; was in first segment
2.
Said another ‘whole story’ was in origins of
family – agree, but not important to story
3.
Suggested highlighting done column – agree; in
process
4.
Suggested identifying Tuyet – disagree; was in first novel
and later here
5.
Suggested research of use of dialect – disagree; text states she made
point of learning it
Verbal critique feedback
of second segment
RWG female member – incorporate
Glossary – disagree; will
blend into wording
Prefers poetry –
Sorry
Wants to read the
book
RWG male member – Good dialogue,
requires great skill
Clarify setting at
start – disagree; was
in first segment
RWG female member - wonderful
characters and family dynamics
Want to read the book
Suggested character
verbal response to male compliment
(suggested
a woman would recoil) – agree; in process
Have female not reply
to compliment – disagree;
strong female character,
Note her
Black Belt and kicking ex-boyfriends ass
RWG female member – Identify characters
– disagree; was
in first segment
Suggested use of poor
English to reflect Vietnamese character – disagree;
text
states she made point of learning it
RWG male member – Good dialogue,
believable
Good family introduction
Incorporate verbal
flavor of female character Vietnamese – disagree;
text
states she made point of learning it
Explain how they knew
Tuyet – disagree; was
in first novel and later here
RWG female member – Good visual
by pool
Good flow
I‘m very satisfied and encouraged with the response, and was gratified with generally positive comments on excitement
level, flow, level of detail, and use of dialogue. I have to admit I chose a
segment that was semi-finished for review.
More work is ahead, and constructive criticism helps!
