Blog Post 116

A new avenue opened up in the process of critiquing segments of the third novel of the Tessera Trilogy. An online forum was identified which may be helpful, when I get to the point of having segments ready for outside review. Once a week the following online forum offers critiques of segments. http://www.reddit.com/r/writing/ 

I decided to give the forum a try, and assess what I think of any critiques submitted. I’ll try a segment from Sooley Base, see how it goes and report back.

Kashan Kashmeeri currently stands at 110 (was 96) pages and 54 (was 48.5) K words. Lots of work ongoing with research, putting together dialogue and identifying lesser (throwaway) characters. The most challenging effort is to visualize and develop believable military and diplomatic scenarios of the struggle between War and Peace – the central theme of Kashan Kashmeeri.

Rough draft segments of the very start of Kashan Kashmeeri were reviewed/critiqued this week. Offspring did the honors initially, and then those versions were reviewed/critiqued at the March RWG meeting. In one fell swoop basically four reviews were achieved.

Offspring’s suggestions/comments follow for first segment:

Reduce characters posing questions – agree; in process

Limit sentences starting with he, she – agree; in process

Limit language of theater – agree; in process

Improve transitions – agree; in process

Various typos and grammatical suggestions – agree; in process

Reduce repetition of verbs, adjectives  – agree; in process

Tighten up drama of wording – agree; in process

Use body language to convey emotion – agree; in process

Reduce dialogue – disagree

Reduce internal dialogues – disagree

Describe events as they happen – agree; in process

Last page (3 of 3) very well written– agree; in process

Dislike ‘quickness’ of romance – disagree

Offspring’s suggestions/comments follow for second segment:

Reduce impression of an interrogation – agree; in process

Incorporate transitions – agree; in process

‘Cheesy’ narrative – disagree

Improve natural conversational flow – agree; in process

Describe emotions through face and body – agree; in process

Improve dialogue (too formal) – agree; in process

Suggestions for dialogue – agree; in process

RWG member review comments:

After revising the segments were taken to March RWG meeting. The first segment was read at the RWG meeting, with the second was read and critiqued at the end of the meeting.

Three RWG members provided written critiques of the first segment, as follows:

The first segment reading drew enthusiastic applause and smiles. The response, especially at the RWG meeting, was very encouraging. A RWG male member offered that he enjoyed the dialogue and stated he thought dialogue was hard to write. A female member stated that she enjoyed the dialogue and the story’s characters. I’ve noted comments as originating from males or females because there are very different perspectives apparent.

First reviewer - RWG male member  

1. Very interesting story

Second reviewer – RWG female member  

1. Question about punctuation - disagree
2. Some part of sentence missing – agree; in process
3. Minor editorial, punctuation suggestions  – in process

Third reviewer - RWG female member  

1. Excellent story line – agree
2. Nice development of the characters and their relationship  – agree
3. Minor editorial, punctuation suggestions  – agree; in process
4. Explain ‘aunt’ – agree; in process
5. Incorporate time break (transition) – agree; in process
6. Various wording suggestions – agree; in process
7. Incorporate transition for pool party – agree; in process
8. Explain relationship of Tuyet– agree in part, covered in prior novels. in process

A summary of critiques, reactions, and suggestions to the second segment appear below.

First reviewer - RWG male member  

1.      Smooth flowing, interesting story

2. Hooks reader with before and after glimpses
3. Dialogue biased toward a male POV – agree; in process
4. Vary dialogue – agree; in process
5. Setting seems condensed – disagree; in process
6. Concerned with apparent age disparity of characters – disagree

Second reviewer – RWG female member  

1.    Nice visuals to setting  

2.      Suggests use of accents in character speech – disagree

3.      Smooth, nice flow

Third reviewer - RWG female member  

1.    Suggestions as to description of female character – agree; in process

2.      Suggestions as to dialogue – agree; in process

3.      Describe how parents held family together– disagree; superfluous

4.      Minor editorial suggestion – agree; in process

Fourth reviewer – RWG male member  

1. Good dialogue, believable conversation
2. Good way to introduce family background
3. Suggested use of poor English to affect Vietnamese background – agree; in process
4. Questioned use of ‘cockily’ – agree; in process
5. Suggested showing how characters came together – agree; in prior novels

6.      Minor editorial suggestion – agree; in process

7.      Fun

Fifth reviewer – RWG female member  

1. Add pronunciation key to characters names – disagree; some will follow
2. Said flow interrupted by foreign names – disagree

Sixth reviewer – RWG female member  

1.      Suggest identifying characters and setting  – disagree; was in first segment

2.      Said another ‘whole story’ was in origins of family – agree, but not important to story

3.      Suggested highlighting done column – agree; in process

4.      Suggested identifying Tuyet – disagree; was in first novel and later here

5.      Suggested research of use of dialect – disagree; text states she made point of learning it

Verbal  critique feedback of second segment

RWG female member  – incorporate Glossary – disagree; will blend into wording

            Prefers poetry – Sorry

            Wants to read the book

RWG male member  – Good dialogue, requires great skill

            Clarify setting at start – disagree; was in first segment

RWG female member  - wonderful characters and family dynamics

            Want to read the book

            Suggested character verbal response to male compliment

(suggested a woman would recoil) – agree; in process

            Have female not reply to compliment – disagree; strong female character,

                        Note her Black Belt and kicking ex-boyfriends ass

RWG female member  – Identify characters – disagree; was in first segment

            Suggested use of poor English to reflect Vietnamese character – disagree;

text states she made point of learning it

RWG male member  – Good dialogue, believable

            Good family introduction

            Incorporate verbal flavor of female character Vietnamese  – disagree;

text states she made point of learning it

            Explain how they knew Tuyet – disagree; was in first novel and later here

RWG female member  – Good visual by pool

            Good flow

I‘m very satisfied and encouraged with the response, and was gratified with generally positive comments on excitement level, flow, level of detail, and use of dialogue. I have to admit I chose a segment that was semi-finished for review.  More work is ahead, and constructive criticism helps!