BLOG POST 192

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 192

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 188; total word count inched down to 97.8 K, and percent increased to  93.7 percent.

BAM 16 May 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree; working

2.      Really liked first section – thanks

3.      Use of character Yokel seemed ‘off the rails’ – disagree; valid consideration given war

4.      Curious what the Israelis will do

5.      Watch for POV shifts – agree; working

6.      Use of squadron number 666 seems unhinged – working

7.      Clarify how Yokel escaped – agree; working

BAM member –

1.      Atomic bomb scenario sounds like a diatribe – disagree; valid consideration given war

2.      Felt Yokel character came out of the blue – disagree; long a part of my story

3.      Journalists questions too open ended – disagree

4.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

5.      Clarify identity of speaker – agree; working

6.      Didn’t like analogy of grenade explosion to the tank battle - disagree

BAM member –

1.      Take out the POV shifts – agree; working

2.      Movement between dialogue and narration jerky – working

3.      Story slowed after page three – working

4.      Eliminate ‘head hopping’ (POV shifts – agree; working

5.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

6.      Eliminate underling for emphasis – working

7.      Felt analogy of mouse traps didn’t fit - disagree

BAM member –

1.       Yokel character doesn’t fit – disagree; long a part of my story

2.      Easier to understand story (than previous) – thanks

3.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

4.      Show stress on Colonel Ubaidi – agree

5.      Liked imagery of dental probing – thanks

6.      Didn’t understand of Chinese at bottom of very deep hole - disagree

BAM member –

1.      Take out the POV shifts – agree; working

2.      Identify speakers more clearly – agree, working

3.      Movement between speakers jerky – agree; working

4.      Consider omnipresent POV to avoid conflicts

5.      Work on improving transitions – agree; working

6.      Clarify settings – agree; working

7.      Shorten lengthy speech – working

8.      Improve use of quotation marks - working

BAM member –

1.      Read better than previous, could follow - thanks

2.      Shorten sentences – agree; working

3.      One of your best efforts – thanks

4.      Interesting, liked mouse trap analogy – thanks

5.      Liked conversation – thanks

6.      Flows well – thanks

7.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

8.      Liked analogy of loaded mouse traps - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Interesting, good battle description – thanks

2.       Seems slanted towards Saudis, against Israelis – as it has been for weeks

3.      Story makes America seems passive– true, but how would we support one vs the other

4.      Liked the use of squadron 666

BAM member -

1.      Able to follow - thanks

2.      Allowed readers to follow Stefano – thanks

3.      Identify speakers more clearly – agree, working

4.      Stick with Stefano as lively, central character – working to plan

5.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

6.      Nice insights into Stefano’s mind – thanks

7.      Great imagery of latrine, nuclear cloud – thanks

8.      Nice foreshadowing of possible use of nukes - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Easier to understand - thanks

2.      Can cut much of this  – disagree; working

3.      Minor editorial changes – agree working

4.      Didn’t understand the Colonel cursing at loss of his men   

BLOG POST 191

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 191

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 192; total word count inched down to 98.5 K, and percent increased to  91.2 percent.

BAM 02 May 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree; working

2.      Good addition, sees the desperation of the attack  – thanks

3.      Uncertain what CBU meant – cluster bomb unit

4.      Hard to visualize the ebb and flow of the battle - working

BAM member –

1.      Good continuation – thanks

2.      Questioned inclusion of poetic section; suggested starting chapters with them – working

3.      Minor editorial suggestions – agreed with most, working

BAM member –

1.      Stronger, less confusing than prior battle scene - thanks

2.      Baffled by use of poem; use at start or end of chapter - working

3.      No written comments

BAM member –

1.      Take out the POV shifts – agree; working

2.      Remove the poem stanzas, they slow the reader – agree, working

3.      Good addition, enough dialogue to satisfy reader – thanks

4.      Good pacing - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Good addition - thanks

2.      Liked poem, but not as positioned. Suggested placing at end or start of chapter - working

BAM member –

1.      Impressed by use of poem - thanks

2.      Suggested placing poem stanzas at end or start of chapter - working

3.      Still have trouble with the action scenes, inner dialogue - working

BAM member –

1.      Liked addition, could follow - thanks

2.      Liked use of poem – thanks, working

3.      Good flow – thanks

4.      Watch out for shifts in POV - working

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree with most; working

2.      Good wrap-up of tank battle; easily followed - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Better to follow - thanks

2.      Poem too hard to follow; doesn’t fit – working

3.      Immolated used twice – agree; working 

BAM member –

       1.  Flowed well, could follow – thanks

       2.  No written comments

BAM (new member) –

1.      Pre-reading brief helped

2.      No written comments

BLOG POST 190

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 190

Missed participating in a Books A Million review because I was visiting a family member in an ICU. The relative was not expected to pull through, but has since recovered. Many fascinating observations from the San Diego (SD) hospital visits – the hospital charged for parking; the SD freeway system plugs up solidly at rush hour.  The vast majority of drivers obey the speed limits, while a minority roar by, around, and through the speed limit observers at great speed. I ate a quick lunch at a Costco near the hospital; a 16 inch hot dog (or Polish) and drink cost only $1.65, and one didn’t have to be a member to purchase the meal.

I also attempted to visit an older brother in Westminster, CA – the site of Little Saigon and an old Vietnamese friend’s coffee shop. Unfortunately my brother and I couldn’t seem to find each other. I ate at the shop – Le Croissant D’Ore. It has great cappuccino, served Vietnamese style, and great croissants.  Vast displays in the community were in Vietnamese, despite several generations of naturalization. Almost every shop displayed flags of the fallen Republic of (South) Vietnam.

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 196; total word count inched down to 98.9 K, and percent increased to  89.9 percent.

BAM 25 April 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Less confusing than previous - thanks

2.      Great imagery; great action – thanks

3.      Still confused about who good guys are – working

4.      What are turrets – the movable part of a tank’s top, with cannon

5.      Wanted to see, feel more gore – disagree; not likely in a tank battle

6.      Asked if identified Israeli Colonel was Saudi or Israeli – as written, and briefed

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree; working

2.      Good action, really, really good – thanks

3.      Poem doesn’t work, as this isn’t a suicide attack – disagree; It might be

4.      Suggested removing one of Colonel Ubaidi’s inner thoughts – disagree; serves to imply something is afoot

BAM member –

1.      Liked the indentation of paragraphs - thanks

2.      Minor editorial suggestions – agreed with most, working

3.      Baffled by use of Charge of the Light Brigade, felt it interrupts the narrative – disagree

4.      Make the distribution of the ‘found ammo’ slower – agree; working

BAM member –

1.      Well written, good action and flow – thanks

2.      Use of poem slowed reading, didn’t fit – disagree; working

3.      Liked imagery of tethered camels – thanks

4.      Liked imagery of talcum sand – thanks

5.      Moves quickly - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree with most; working

2.      Had problem with use of poem, is it running in someone’s mind – good idea, working

3.      Confused about who are good vs bad guys – thanks; my intention

4.      Liked imagery of talcum sand – thanks

5.       

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree; working

2.      Liked use of poem, but put in italics  - thanks; working

3.      Shorten sentence with ‘tethered camel’ – working

4.      Liked ‘talcum sand’ imagery  - thanks

5.      Think about collapsing several characters into one – disagree; too many now

6.      So much easier to follow with indentation of paragraphs - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree with most; working

1.      Good narrative and characters – thanks

2.      Loved use of Charge of the Light Brigade - thanks

3.      Felt he was in the TOC listening to reports of combat - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Too many ‘sciency’ words, too great a use of military terms – IT’S A WAR!

2.      Easier to read, but felt clunky

3.      Not sure who was whom– read and absorb. I briefed before reading. 

BAM (new) member –

       1.  Improved compared to previous segment – thanks

       2.  Liked action - thanks 

BLOG POST 188

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 188

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 204; total word count inched down to 101.9 K, and percent increased t0 84.3 percent.

BAM 04 April 2016 critique comments

Process:  After reviewing each participant written and verbal suggestions, I decide whether to accept and modify the draft to agree with their ideas. Alternately, I may disagree, in which case I note my reasons.

I found it difficult to develop useful substitutes for word “drone.” UAV, unmanned aircraft and low flying aircraft were suggested.

Double spacing will restrict my ability to get segments reviewed and meet a production timetable. Will experiment with spacing.

This critique session was not pleasant. Suggestions were particularly focused on use of too much technical detail, and too many characters – thus confusing readers. Changes have been made; I hope they suffice.

BAM member (new member) –

1.      Liked imagery of “dark mass falling to earth” – thanks

2.      Urged caution with POV shifts – agree, working

3.      Reduce technical detail – agree; working

4.      Change “summary” to scenes - working

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree; working

2.      Reduce usage of grumble/grumbling – agree, working

3.      Watch for potential change of POV – agree; working

4.      Technical jargon dragged – agree; working

5.      Story clear, could follow - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Indent paragraphs and dialogue – no; I already set the format long ago

2.      Asked what gawa is – Arabic, cardamom flavored coffee. Described earlier in novel.

3.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

4.      Clarify speakers in dialogue – agree, working

5.      Concentrate on smaller number of characters – agree; working

BAM member –

1.      Please double space – agree, working

2.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

3.      Good dialogue – thanks

4.      Very good description of radio dispatches – thanks

5.      LOL - Liked sentence about character missing “muster on the day brains were passed out” - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Overall good – thanks

2.      Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.      Suggested use of “unmanned aircraft and low flying aircraft” for drone – working

4.      Liked imagery of “dark mass falling to earth” – thanks

5.      Found “Swear words filled the control room” – agree, working

6.      Usage of “drone” multiple times not a problem

7.      Double space - working

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree with most; working

2.      Indent – no; I already set the format long ago

3.      Too technically written – disagree, but will soften

BAM member –

1.      Good addition to book – thanks

2.      Interesting window into war scenario - thanks

3.      Technical description slows the story – agree, working

4.      Radio communications too abstract for civilian reader – working

5.      Narrative slows reader - working

6.      No written comments

BAM member –

1.      Great narrative, liked technical detail - thanks

2.      No written comments

BAM member –

1.      Double space, set spacing between paragraphs to zero – working

2.      Indent – no; I already set the format long ago

3.      No written comments

BLOG POST 189

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 189

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 202; total word count inched down to 101.3 K, and percent increased to  87.7 percent.

RWG monthly meeting, the Fourteenth Larry Turner Celebration of Poetry, hosted Stan Galloway as guest speaker. His poems were riveting, and they were accentuated by his personable, dramatic energy.

BAM 11 April 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Tank battle absolutely powerful, interesting - thanks

2.      Excellent imagery – thanks

3.      Loved description of Lieutenant Harbi – thanks

4.      Loved the imagery of Colonel Ubaidi’s pre-battle pep talk – thanks

5.      Identify more clearly who is being killed – agree, working

6.      Loved use of quote from Charge of the Light Brigade - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree; working

2.      Good addition, liked interplay – thanks

3.      Story moves along well – thanks

4.      Depiction of static on radios needs to be trimmed – agree; working

5.      Stefano’s inner dialogue about seeing Kill symbols on helos “a bit too much” – disagree; shows his Intel gathering eye

6.      Questioned significance of ‘814’ – it’s the Battalion identity of Ubaidi’s tank unit

BAM member –

1.      Indent paragraphs and dialogue – disagree; I set the format long ago

2.      Questioned inclusion of poetic section – authors’ choice

3.      Minor editorial suggestions – agreed with most, working

4.      Felt it out of character to include quote from Charge of the Light Brigade – disagree; provides perfect symbolism for the tank battle

5.      Questioned how Stefano’s tent was different – it was banished, stuck away from action

6.      Eliminate cliché – “bad penny’ – agree, working

7.      Questioned whether Colonel Ubaidi could inspire Lt Harbi – No he couldn’t. Harbi is a Wahabi zealot and bears uncanny resemblance to one I had to deal with.

8.      Questioned what terrain is suitable for tank attack – open ground, with few natural choke points

9.      Questioned where the rumble occurred – in the distance.

10.  Thought helos ‘clashing with their missiles unclear’ – disagree; air to air combat between helos

11.  Depiction of static on radios too difficult on reader – agree; working

BAM member –

1.      Pages 1 and 2 have POV shifts – disagree; in separate paragraphs

2.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

3.      Lots of great energy – thanks

4.      Liked radio dialogue –

5.      At times was not sure who was whom – working

6.      Suggested re-sequence of ‘bad penny’ – working

7.      Suggested removal of italics signifying Stefano’s inner thoughts about seeing Kill symbols on helos – disagree; it is something he knows, but the colonel is not aware of, thus making a decision based on incorrect assumptions

8.      Great images, but unclear as to which side – thanks (sorta)

9.      Unclear what ‘transmitted’ meant – tactical use of radio circuits

BAM member –

1.      Pages 1 and 2 have POV shifts – disagree; in separate paragraphs

2.      Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.      Identify speakers – working

4.      Battle – ominous, but description long – thanks

5.      Use words not numerals at start of sentence – agree; working

6.      The sands were ominous - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree with most; working

2.      Fight scenes good, but too much description of weapons and explosions – disagree; it’s war. Will soften

3.      Thought reference to putting Harbi by a latrine funny – thanks

4.      Felt there was too much technical detail – disagree; genre need, but working to simplify

5.      POV shifts distracting - disagree; in separate paragraphs

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – disagreed with most; working

2.      A good work - thanks

3.      Too technically written – disagree, but will soften

4.      Watch dialogue tags – agree; working

BAM member (new member) –

       1.  Lost in the technical detail