BLOG POST 192

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 192

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 188; total word count inched down to 97.8 K, and percent increased to  93.7 percent.

BAM 16 May 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree; working

2.      Really liked first section – thanks

3.      Use of character Yokel seemed ‘off the rails’ – disagree; valid consideration given war

4.      Curious what the Israelis will do

5.      Watch for POV shifts – agree; working

6.      Use of squadron number 666 seems unhinged – working

7.      Clarify how Yokel escaped – agree; working

BAM member –

1.      Atomic bomb scenario sounds like a diatribe – disagree; valid consideration given war

2.      Felt Yokel character came out of the blue – disagree; long a part of my story

3.      Journalists questions too open ended – disagree

4.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

5.      Clarify identity of speaker – agree; working

6.      Didn’t like analogy of grenade explosion to the tank battle - disagree

BAM member –

1.      Take out the POV shifts – agree; working

2.      Movement between dialogue and narration jerky – working

3.      Story slowed after page three – working

4.      Eliminate ‘head hopping’ (POV shifts – agree; working

5.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

6.      Eliminate underling for emphasis – working

7.      Felt analogy of mouse traps didn’t fit - disagree

BAM member –

1.       Yokel character doesn’t fit – disagree; long a part of my story

2.      Easier to understand story (than previous) – thanks

3.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

4.      Show stress on Colonel Ubaidi – agree

5.      Liked imagery of dental probing – thanks

6.      Didn’t understand of Chinese at bottom of very deep hole - disagree

BAM member –

1.      Take out the POV shifts – agree; working

2.      Identify speakers more clearly – agree, working

3.      Movement between speakers jerky – agree; working

4.      Consider omnipresent POV to avoid conflicts

5.      Work on improving transitions – agree; working

6.      Clarify settings – agree; working

7.      Shorten lengthy speech – working

8.      Improve use of quotation marks - working

BAM member –

1.      Read better than previous, could follow - thanks

2.      Shorten sentences – agree; working

3.      One of your best efforts – thanks

4.      Interesting, liked mouse trap analogy – thanks

5.      Liked conversation – thanks

6.      Flows well – thanks

7.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

8.      Liked analogy of loaded mouse traps - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Interesting, good battle description – thanks

2.       Seems slanted towards Saudis, against Israelis – as it has been for weeks

3.      Story makes America seems passive– true, but how would we support one vs the other

4.      Liked the use of squadron 666

BAM member -

1.      Able to follow - thanks

2.      Allowed readers to follow Stefano – thanks

3.      Identify speakers more clearly – agree, working

4.      Stick with Stefano as lively, central character – working to plan

5.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

6.      Nice insights into Stefano’s mind – thanks

7.      Great imagery of latrine, nuclear cloud – thanks

8.      Nice foreshadowing of possible use of nukes - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Easier to understand - thanks

2.      Can cut much of this  – disagree; working

3.      Minor editorial changes – agree working

4.      Didn’t understand the Colonel cursing at loss of his men