BLOG POST 189

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 189

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 202; total word count inched down to 101.3 K, and percent increased to  87.7 percent.

RWG monthly meeting, the Fourteenth Larry Turner Celebration of Poetry, hosted Stan Galloway as guest speaker. His poems were riveting, and they were accentuated by his personable, dramatic energy.

BAM 11 April 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Tank battle absolutely powerful, interesting - thanks

2.      Excellent imagery – thanks

3.      Loved description of Lieutenant Harbi – thanks

4.      Loved the imagery of Colonel Ubaidi’s pre-battle pep talk – thanks

5.      Identify more clearly who is being killed – agree, working

6.      Loved use of quote from Charge of the Light Brigade - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree; working

2.      Good addition, liked interplay – thanks

3.      Story moves along well – thanks

4.      Depiction of static on radios needs to be trimmed – agree; working

5.      Stefano’s inner dialogue about seeing Kill symbols on helos “a bit too much” – disagree; shows his Intel gathering eye

6.      Questioned significance of ‘814’ – it’s the Battalion identity of Ubaidi’s tank unit

BAM member –

1.      Indent paragraphs and dialogue – disagree; I set the format long ago

2.      Questioned inclusion of poetic section – authors’ choice

3.      Minor editorial suggestions – agreed with most, working

4.      Felt it out of character to include quote from Charge of the Light Brigade – disagree; provides perfect symbolism for the tank battle

5.      Questioned how Stefano’s tent was different – it was banished, stuck away from action

6.      Eliminate cliché – “bad penny’ – agree, working

7.      Questioned whether Colonel Ubaidi could inspire Lt Harbi – No he couldn’t. Harbi is a Wahabi zealot and bears uncanny resemblance to one I had to deal with.

8.      Questioned what terrain is suitable for tank attack – open ground, with few natural choke points

9.      Questioned where the rumble occurred – in the distance.

10.  Thought helos ‘clashing with their missiles unclear’ – disagree; air to air combat between helos

11.  Depiction of static on radios too difficult on reader – agree; working

BAM member –

1.      Pages 1 and 2 have POV shifts – disagree; in separate paragraphs

2.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

3.      Lots of great energy – thanks

4.      Liked radio dialogue –

5.      At times was not sure who was whom – working

6.      Suggested re-sequence of ‘bad penny’ – working

7.      Suggested removal of italics signifying Stefano’s inner thoughts about seeing Kill symbols on helos – disagree; it is something he knows, but the colonel is not aware of, thus making a decision based on incorrect assumptions

8.      Great images, but unclear as to which side – thanks (sorta)

9.      Unclear what ‘transmitted’ meant – tactical use of radio circuits

BAM member –

1.      Pages 1 and 2 have POV shifts – disagree; in separate paragraphs

2.      Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.      Identify speakers – working

4.      Battle – ominous, but description long – thanks

5.      Use words not numerals at start of sentence – agree; working

6.      The sands were ominous - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree with most; working

2.      Fight scenes good, but too much description of weapons and explosions – disagree; it’s war. Will soften

3.      Thought reference to putting Harbi by a latrine funny – thanks

4.      Felt there was too much technical detail – disagree; genre need, but working to simplify

5.      POV shifts distracting - disagree; in separate paragraphs

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – disagreed with most; working

2.      A good work - thanks

3.      Too technically written – disagree, but will soften

4.      Watch dialogue tags – agree; working

BAM member (new member) –

       1.  Lost in the technical detail