Tessera
Trilogy Blog
Post 187
Process – After reviewing each participant written and verbal
suggestions, I decide whether to accept and modify the draft to agree with
their ideas. Alternately, I may disagree, in which case I note my reasons.
CRRL as a part of the review/critique process – letting anyone print
unlimited copies. I print copies from RWG and BAM review sessions, which forces
CRRL backhandedly to support this local eBook author.
After reviewing each review participant’s
written and verbal suggestions, I decide whether to accept and modify the draft
to agree with their ideas. Alternately, I may disagree, in which case I note my
reasons.
Progress as determined by page count, word count
and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 206; total word
count inched up to 102.0 K, and percent increased t0 82.5 percent.
BAM 28 March 2016 critique comments
BAM member –
1.
Give me crunching gravel, kicking dust at tank load out – agree,
working
2.
Nice imagery of Armored Divisional HQ - thanks
3.
Reads like the Saudis are using American military slang – disagree with changing; Arabs
and Jordanians train with and emulate American military usage
4.
Suggested changing to italicization of “The Major hoped” – agree
5.
Liked the mystery of section about Tooley and Stefano’s phone
conversation - thanks
BAM member –
1.
Minor editorial changes – agree
and disagree; working
2.
Suggested changing “ditches” to “trenches” – agree
3.
Described paragraph on the journalists being passed along as redundant
– disagree; sets tension
in their presence with tank unit
4.
Thought Ubaidi’s remarks questioning what Israeli tank commander
expected his force to do in battle as redundant – disagree; builds tension about coming battle tactics
5.
Too much detail; some may be unnecessary – agree, working
6.
Appeared you’re setting the stage for a battle – correct
7.
Were Israelis and Saudis, Jordanians using same tanks – yes, M-60s that
were forty years old (It’s my idea of a twist in the story, but is factually
accurate.)
BAM member –
1.
Ponderous narrative – working to improve
2.
Felt portion on explosive testing of tank shells didn’t make sense –
disagree; back story to tactically important part of battle – working
3.
What are “war loads” – quantity of war necessary tank rounds – fairly
obvious from context
4.
Asked in what way helo support could change outcome of a battle - they would have lent highly effective fire
support to tank unit
5.
Questioned why Colonel Ubaidi was nervous about coming battle – he was
aware of state of Israeli training, and he had only fought a limited battle
with Iraqi armor
6.
Questioned why the Jordanian General “summarized the two officers
records” – to build their confidence in each other before battle
7.
Questioned why the “plan” wasn’t just to use helos for the battle – My
story, plus this wouldn’t be how the Israelis would attack
BAM member –
1.
Very well written – thanks
2.
Loved the character dialogue – thanks
3.
Suggested double spacing – I use 1.15 line spacing
4.
Questioned meaning of CP – given in previous sentence as Command Post
5.
Minor editorial changes – agree
6.
Liked the family references - thanks
BAM member –
1.
Overall good – thanks
2.
Minor editorial changes – agree, working
3.
Discussion of two Colonels moved slowly – agree, working
4.
Needs action, tension to speed story up – agree, working
5.
Questioned extensive technical info – agree, working
6.
Dialogue was responsive, but needs more punch – agree, working
BAM member –
1.
Minor editorial changes – agree; working
2.
Questioned remark about Boy scouts – agree, will remove
3.
Suggested use of descriptions and verbs that show rather than tell the
story – agree, working
4.
Reduce overuse of some descriptors – agree, working
5.
Story heavy with technical detail – agree, working
6.
Suggested revising sentences dealing with Israeli prisoner – agree,
working
BAM member –
1.
Minor editorial changes – agree
with most; working
2.
Dialogue seems to be lecturing - working
3.
Asked what “beasts” were – in this case military jargon for M-60 tanks
4.
Suggested punctuation changes – agreed with some
5.
Suggested changing “kicked off” to be “ticked off” – disagree, would
change sense of sentence
6.
Reduce technical detail – agree, working
7.
Use fewer verbs with “ing” – agree, working
BAM member –
1.
Excellent, good descriptive narrative – thanks
2.
Liked inclusion of NCO and soldier perspectives – thanks
3.
Questioned why Colonel Ubaidi didn’t “want” to rely on helo support –
that would have meant an extended battle that he was losing
4.
Military readers will like the technical info – thanks
5.
Questioned when Colonel Wasfi fought the Israelis – irrelevant to the
story
6.
Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working
7.
Liked dialogue - thanks
BAM member –
1.
Great narrative, liked technical detail - thanks
2.
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