BLOG POST 187

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 187

Process – After reviewing each participant written and verbal suggestions, I decide whether to accept and modify the draft to agree with their ideas. Alternately, I may disagree, in which case I note my reasons.

CRRL as a part of the review/critique process – letting anyone print unlimited copies. I print copies from RWG and BAM review sessions, which forces CRRL backhandedly to support this local eBook  author.

After reviewing each review participant’s written and verbal suggestions, I decide whether to accept and modify the draft to agree with their ideas. Alternately, I may disagree, in which case I note my reasons.

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 206; total word count inched up to 102.0 K, and percent increased t0 82.5 percent.

BAM 28 March 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Give me crunching gravel, kicking dust at tank load out – agree, working

2.      Nice imagery of Armored Divisional HQ - thanks

3.      Reads like the Saudis are using American military slang – disagree with changing; Arabs and Jordanians train with and emulate American military usage

4.      Suggested changing to italicization of “The Major hoped” – agree

5.      Liked the mystery of section about Tooley and Stefano’s phone conversation - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree and disagree; working

2.      Suggested changing “ditches” to “trenches” – agree

3.      Described paragraph on the journalists being passed along as redundant – disagree; sets tension in their presence with tank unit

4.      Thought Ubaidi’s remarks questioning what Israeli tank commander expected his force to do in battle as redundant – disagree; builds tension about coming battle tactics

5.      Too much detail; some may be unnecessary – agree, working

6.      Appeared you’re setting the stage for a battle – correct

7.      Were Israelis and Saudis, Jordanians using same tanks – yes, M-60s that were forty years old (It’s my idea of a twist in the story, but is factually accurate.)

BAM member –

1.      Ponderous narrative – working to improve

2.      Felt portion on explosive testing of tank shells didn’t make sense – disagree; back story to tactically important part of battle – working

3.      What are “war loads” – quantity of war necessary tank rounds – fairly obvious from context

4.      Asked in what way helo support could change outcome of a battle -  they would have lent highly effective fire support to tank unit

5.      Questioned why Colonel Ubaidi was nervous about coming battle – he was aware of state of Israeli training, and he had only fought a limited battle with Iraqi armor

6.      Questioned why the Jordanian General “summarized the two officers records” – to build their confidence in each other before battle

7.      Questioned why the “plan” wasn’t just to use helos for the battle – My story, plus this wouldn’t be how the Israelis would attack

BAM member –

1.      Very well written – thanks

2.      Loved the character dialogue – thanks

3.      Suggested double spacing – I use 1.15 line spacing

4.      Questioned meaning of CP – given in previous sentence as Command Post

5.      Minor editorial changes – agree

6.      Liked the family references - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Overall good – thanks

2.      Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.      Discussion of two Colonels moved slowly – agree, working

4.      Needs action, tension to speed story up – agree, working

5.      Questioned extensive technical info – agree, working

6.      Dialogue was responsive, but needs more punch – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

2.      Questioned remark about Boy scouts – agree, will remove

3.      Suggested use of descriptions and verbs that show rather than tell the story – agree, working

4.      Reduce overuse of some descriptors – agree, working

5.      Story heavy with technical detail – agree, working

6.      Suggested revising sentences dealing with Israeli prisoner – agree, working

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree with most; working

2.      Dialogue seems to be lecturing - working

3.      Asked what “beasts” were – in this case military jargon for M-60 tanks

4.      Suggested punctuation changes – agreed with some

5.      Suggested changing “kicked off” to be “ticked off” – disagree, would change sense of sentence

6.      Reduce technical detail – agree, working

7.      Use fewer verbs with “ing” – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Excellent, good descriptive narrative – thanks

2.      Liked inclusion of NCO and soldier perspectives – thanks

3.      Questioned why Colonel Ubaidi didn’t “want” to rely on helo support – that would have meant an extended battle that he was losing

4.      Military readers will like the technical info – thanks

5.      Questioned when Colonel Wasfi fought the Israelis – irrelevant to the story

6.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

7.      Liked dialogue - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Great narrative, liked technical detail - thanks

2.      No written comments