BLOG POST 186

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 186

Process – After reviewing each participant written and verbal suggestions, I decide whether to accept and modify the draft to agree with their ideas. Alternately, I may disagree, in which case I note my reasons.

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 210; total word count inched up to to 101. K, and percent increased t0 81.1 percent.

Completed reading Agatha Christie’s The ABC Murders. Hercule Poirot is not my idea of a suitable detective for my Money and Mayhem detective series. Agatha’s style is very different, and I did learn some style and investigate ideas.

BAM 21 March 2016 critique comments

BAM member  –

1.       Dialogue great – thanks

2.       Improve reader connection with characters’ emotions – working

3.       Reduce overuse of “war” – agree, working

4.       Liked journalists’ description of war, very well written – thanks

5.       Questioned meaning of “kill signal” to cameraman – agree, working

6.       Great imagery of “fingering his mike like a flute” – thanks

7.       Use of sand to cleanse before prayer – Wow, vivid – thanks

8.       Description of PTSD too preachy – disagree, working

9.       Questioned why Rodolfo “rarely got his words before audience” – a cameraman works the video

BAM member  –

1.        Minor editorial changes – agree and disagree; working

2.       Pretty good addition – thanks

3.       Questioned credibility of the journalists seeming unprofessional observations – it sets up their being moved off the front, to a seemingly more quiet area

4.       Usage of some words redundant – agree, working

5.       Reaction of General Abdullah was good – thanks

6.       Moves slowly – agree, will improve, but this is back story before coming action

7.       Improve overuse of “tents” – agree, working

8.       Liked portrayal of bugs as soldiers – thanks

9.       Questioned depression of journalists – they’ve been in midst of Iran-Iraqi phony warfare, been wounded, and I’m trying to portray the relative value of peace versus war

10.   Questioned use of General Abdullah’s angry, broken English -

BAM member  –

1.       Good addition - thanks

2.       Too wordy, shorten – agree, working

3.       Improve the use of “tents” – agree, working

4.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

5.       Why does Rodolfo worry of being buried without a headstone – In much of Arabia the dead are buried unceremoniously in the desert, with a headstone

BAM member  –

1.       Very well written – thanks

2.       Loved the character dialogue – thanks

3.       Description about PTSD was very good – thanks

4.       Still have trouble with acronyms – agree

5.       Very good descriptions, dialogue – thanks

6.       Characters that we care about are emerging – thanks

7.       Liked the description of emotional stress – thanks

8.       Liked sentence with “unseen but seeing” – thanks

9.        

BAM member  –

1.       Overall good – thanks

2.       Reduce telling – agree, working

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

4.       Liked the shuffling off of journalists to someone else (as a problem) – thanks

5.       Found dialogue of General Abdullah authentic – thanks

6.       Replace “tangible” – agree, working

7.       Liked “unseen but seeing” – thanks

8.       Correct usage of “farther” versus “further” – agree

9.       Good ending, realistic - thanks

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree with most; working

2.       Too many paragraphs started with ‘He” – agree, working

3.       Reduce usage of “many others” - agree

4.       Questioned why “there” was in italics – to emphasize the emotional distance between their tent settlement and the comforts of a nearby town’s hotels

5.       Correct usage of “farther” versus “further” – agree

6.       Unfamiliar with acronym “RPG” – Rocket Propelled Grenade is a common term in vernacular, especially in this genre

7.       Improve use of ‘the story’ – agree

8.       What does OFFEQ mean – the name given Israeli Intel satellites; defined previously

BAM member  –

1.       Liked ‘tickling the nose’  - thanks

2.       Needs better transition – agree, working

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

BAM member  (new member) –

1.       Well written  - thanks

2.       Correct usage of “farther” versus “further” – agree

3.       Good tension endings to sections - thanks

BAM member  (new member) –

1.       The smells of the camp was portrayed well (her husband said the same of Afghanistan) – thanks

2.       Suggested making MREs the journalists’ meal – disagree; trying to emphasize local foods use

3.       Improve use of ‘the story’ – agree