Blog Post 148

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 148

Authors – Finished The Easter Offensive by Colonel G.H. Turley, USMCR (Ret). It is a non-fiction account of the 1972 North Vietnamese Army’s invasion of the republic to the South, and exposes treachery, bravery, cowardice and frustration of military leaders and advisors in Military Region I from numerous sources available.  It is an instructive assessment of how senior military can become out of touch with reality on the ground.  It also speaks to the political will of America’s reduced support of an ally after a very divisive war and inept, duplicitous leadership at home.

Local Authors – No new entries.

Process – Progress, in terms of critiqued segments, stands at 25 percent.  

Redo of Timeline has shrunk part two of the novel from 116 to 109 pages.  Part of my process involves preparation of segments (two and a half pages for RWG; five pages for BAM critique – both printed at line and a half spacing) for personal screening. I typically reprint these three to five times at home as I improve word choice, eliminate multiple use of same phrases, and fix flow.

The process of listening and responding to, incorporating suggestions from critiques is critical. I ask the reviewers to identify themselves on the copies, keep both their marked up copies, and save WORD versions of each critique. As I go through the markups I go back and forth between my Master segment copy, from which I read the segments, and the review markups.

Each reviewer has value, but some are fairly negative and unhelpful, a few occasionally are blank. Some precious few are gems whose verbal comments and markups are particularly helpful. In saved critiques and in my Blog Posts I note whether I “Agree” and am working to address the criticisms, or “Disagree” for some reason.

I remove the identity of reviewers on the Blog for anonymity. All suggestions and criticisms somehow become part of the finished segments, which are re-spaced (from critique spacing of one and a half) to single line spacing.

The revised segment is “cut and pasted” back into the overall novel in the appropriate place in the timeline.

Now wasn’t that fascinating … a part of my process?

BAM 01 June 2015 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Not much action, just talking heads – suggestions would have been appreciated

2.       Dialogue seems intrusive, stereotypical – working

3.       Classified some wording “As if he didn’t know” - suggestions would have been appreciated

BAM member –

1.       Use character names, vice American, journalist, Italian – agree, working

2.       Suggested editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Use name of air base - agree

4.        Suggested “the news services” vice naming them – agree

5.       Revise imbedded to embedded - agree

6.       Reduce dialogue to move from hints to details – agree, working

7.       Suggested moving reference to cover name – working, will remove

BAM member – -

1.       A very interesting story - thanks

2.       Questioned if Cultural Attaché would have Embassy office  –

3.       Minor editorial suggestion – agree

4.       Suggested describing encrypted phone arrangements – agree

5.       Asked if two characters are CIA and foreign “asset” - indeed

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes - agree

2.       Was not clear who named characters were – disagree, previously identified

3.       Suggested using “News networks” vice list of them – agree, working

4.       Make talk between characters more intimate – agree, working

5.       Questioned manner of listing of tense events at border – agree, working

6.       Revise imbedded to embedded - agree

BAM member –

1.       More relatable story  - thanks

2.       Minor editorial suggestion - agree

3.       Questioned fit of “yada yada” – working to find similar

BAM member –  

1.       Didn’t understand meaning of “they both knew better”  – previous background, agree

2.       Remove duplication mention of motors running – agree

3.       Numerous editorial changes – agree

4.       Noted failure to ask about character’s family – agree, working

5.       Didn’t understand meaning of “other cousins family” – disagree, previous background

6.       Clarify identity of speakers – agree

7.       Liked “Peace is in place, but not trust” – thanks

8.       Reduce repetitive phrasing – agree, working

9.       Suggested eliminating reference to cover name – agree, working

10.   Suggested incorporating a meal to provide action to the meet – agree, working

11.   Suggested describing setup of encrypted phone – agree, working

BAM member –  

1.       Good conversation and character interaction, relatable - thanks

2.       Questioned use of “prophesized” – agree, working

3.       Questioned use of “unpleasantness” vice war – agree, working

BAM member –

1.       Reads well, not as technical as before - thanks

2.       Suggested editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Suggested identifying speakers – agree, working

4.       Suggested using “News groups” vice list of them – agree, working

5.       Questioned mention of Romans going off to war for centuries – disagree, authors choice and reference to underlying back story

6.       Liked “Peace is in place, but not trust” – thanks

7.       Asked about ability of journalists to use cell phones despite military controls – working, phone and GPS jammers are available

8.       Felt reference to officer and enlisted was confusing – disagree, character development

9.       Too wordy, use more action – agree, working to build tension in dialogue

BAM member –  

1.       Your characters show seasoning by life experiences, can relate - thanks

2.       The reality of situation is reiterated  –

3.       Liked “get hooked on the graphic stories” as good advice for our generation – thanks

4.       Nice touch showing Stefano was every day man – thanks

5.       Liked “being a target got old fast” – agree

6.       Good character development - thanks

New BAM member –

1.       No written comments

BLOG POST 147

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 147

Authors – No new entries.

Local Authors – No new entries.

Process – Progress, in terms of critiqued segments, stands at 25 percent.  

Major effort underway to restructure the whole enchilada; reformat it to the chronology of revised novel timeline. Kashan Kashmeeri stands at 167 pages, with editing to do as I’ve reformatted Part 02 to sequence it according to the new Timeline. Part 01 (0f 02) equals 51 reviewed pages. Part 02 is currently at 116 pages, but I recognize I need to cut several segments dealing with armor (tank) engagements between the Royal Saudi Land Force, Royal Jordanian and Israeli armor units. Sounds exciting – it will be!!!

Attended the CRRL Focus Group meeting on its Strategic Plan to satisfy users ….. I was the SOLE attendee at the CRRL Headquarters branch meeting. The moderator noted that she had read all my previous inputs centering on support to Local Authors. I restated my research findings – that of the over 114,000 eBooks offered by the library only one was by a local author, and purchased over a dozen years earlier. I challenged the library by asking - When would it purchase its second eBook by a local author?

BAM 18 May 2015 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       First segment can be tightened, shortened – agree, working

2.       Unclear whether “June 2004” was supposed to identify timing of story – yes

3.       Thought historical references about fireworks were unnecessary – agree, working

4.       Clarify if fireworks were to be weapons, or how they’d work – No, working

5.       Too flowery describing WWII Germans - working

BAM member –

1.       First segment interesting, but needs clarity – agree, working

2.        Suggested introducing fireworks engineer earlier - agree

3.       Good foreshadowing with fireworks and RC car – agree

4.       Liked grounds keeper and potential for unintended consequences – you read my mind

5.       Clarify purpose of reworking sabot tank ammo – my intention

6.       Clarify where Manama is – Bahrain

7.       Suggested identifying speakers – agree, working

8.       Clarify where Ashdod is – Israel

9.       Minor editorial changes - agree

BAM member -

1.       If these segments portend things to come give more clues – working, but don’t want to give away the story

2.       Identify the speakers – agree, working

3.       Describe sabot and fall way behavior  - agree, working

4.       Reasons for use of fireworks not clear – disagree (camel races, etc noted)

5.       Describe “other ideas” for anti-tank rounds – agree, working

6.       Clarify if fireworks will have explosive role – no, but good reading

7.       Five thousand feet is too high for fireworks – agree, working

8.       Clarify what RC car was – but liked – remote controlled

BAM member –

1.       Unclear what a “fall away piece” meant – agree, working

2.       Unclear whether segments are about weapons or fireworks – both, and in separate marked segments

BAM member –

1.       Unclear whether WWII references – disagree (Axis, Allied, occupied France, Fritz) - disagree

Tried not to use German(s) repetitively

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree

3.       Suggested describe “other ideas” for tank ammo – agree, working

4.       Suggested identifying fireworks engineer earlier – agree

5.       Identify speaker in dialogue – agree

6.       Liked the fireworks segment potential for twist – her innocence; his deceit – thanks

7.       Correct broken English in thoughts of grounds keeper - agree

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial suggestions – agree

2.       Unsure why MODA and 105mm were bolded  - agree

3.       Describe sabot ammo briefly – agree, working

4.       Clarify if there’s a connection between fireworks and tank ammo – there is none

5.       Use of RC car was good foreshadowing - thanks

BLOG POST 146

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 146

Authors – No new entries. The Last Full Measure by Jeff Shaara – it was a re-read for me. The novel is a fantastic story of courage, despair, and religious beliefs as seen from the viewpoints of US Grant, RE Lee, and Joshua Chamberlain. Starting a re-read of The Easter Offensive by Colonel G.H. Turley, USMCR (Ret), which is an exhaustive account of the 1972 North Vietnamese invasion of the South.  

Local Authors – RWG member Suzi Weinert’s newest “Garage Sale Mystery” novel made into TV movie will appear on the Hallmark Channel in September.

Process – Progress, in terms of critiqued segments, stands at 25 percent.  

I asked a fellow RWG and BAM colleague about a quandary in my style, and how I should approach critiques of future segments of Kashan Kashmeeri. Here’s what I asked -

I have a number of segments coming up for RWG or BAM critiques which are, shall we say, non-linear. What I mean is that during parts of my novel parts of the action/conflict is observed by or reported to higher command echelons.  The observations or reports don’t become a major part of the action, but are relevant to overall awareness of what is going on.

As an example a US satellite might observe an aircraft or helo firing a missile and this information provides part of the tactical picture to higher authorities, say the National Military Command Center (NMCC) or to the President of the US (POTUS).  One could call them glimpses of the overall story or insights and background to factors controlling the story.

I am at a crossroads as to whether I put these observations together with the background related to the development and firing of those missiles as an example, rather than as bits within the evolving story. Putting them together makes the association more apparent for review, but takes them out of the planned flow of the novel … where they will be separated. 

What do you suggest - should I keep them together where the connection might be.

                                                                ****************************

The answer was very helpful and helped resolve the quandary - You have to keep the narrative flow of the story going. So having large blocks of technical information in there that interrupts the flow of the story for significant stretches of time is a no go. Try to just tell the story with as little detailed information as possible. If there are questions about connections related to information that's obviously missing then you can fill in with what you need. Hope that helps.     ( I added the underscoring.)

While my intent was not to provide detailed (technical/military) information, the advice will help me trim the observations at higher levels of national control limited in their intrusion into the narrative flow.

Less is more ….

May 2015 RWG meeting – Three local authors, all members of both RWG and Lake Authors (club of Lake of the Wood) gave presentations and insights in how they overcame personal writing obstacles. It was particularly helpful presentation by Judy Hill, Julie Phend and Suzi Weinert. All are novelists and involved with crafting historical fictions. Each recommended a timeline to provide a checklist for sorting out the written story’s accuracy to its time and place.

                Judy Hill – Use your timeline to integrate history and your fiction (and character). Visit the sites of your fiction. Find maps of the historical scenes of your story – verify existence. Don’t show off your knowledge of history or the time and place.

                Julie Phend – Interview subject of your story; verify and discuss your story against that person’s recollections.  She researched and used (partially) a 1770s map of London. Be willing to cut and give up much of what you’ve found. (I’ve done this with vast bits of irrelevant material which was too technical to hold a readers interest.) Color code the parts of your story’s subjects to ensure you don’t mix characters, places, events up.

                Suzi Weinert – Develop and sustain suspense – it was her biggest challenge, and one she triumphed at meeting. Craft a cliff hanger or hook to finish off each chapter. This drew lots of attention, as it is a given, but rarely stressed. Suzi made it compelling with examples … and I immediately knew this was an area I need to focus on. Ideas flowed.  She called them – decision hooks, sex hooks, revelation hooks, tension hooks.

Takeaways –

1)  Get busy with updating my timeline (I’ve had one, but am now at a point where it is crucial).

2)  Update previous map research of Iraq-Iranian borders and terrain.

3)  Implement hooks at ends of each chapter. Use following –

His leg twitched. He looked … was that blood?

Just then the Red Speaker unit blared … and another ALERT light lit. “What now???”

“I hear Bolero playing … do you?” …. “I do big boy.”

“Here’s what we’ll do … “

“Do you remember that …?”

“Will that missile work?”

Was Tooley alive? Tears ran down her cheeks as the kids hugged her.

“”How long before we know?” anxiety in her face and voice.

RWG 09 May 2015 critique comments

RWG member –

1.       Very good - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree

3.       Questioned missing articles – correct usage

4.       Suggested removing last sentence as overkill – agree

5.       Suggested moving deceptive comment earlier - agree, reworking

6.       Your writing has come a long way – thanks

7.       Use some Arabic - agree

RWG member –

1.       Best segment - thanks

2.       Suggested moving deceptive comment earlier - agree, reworking

3.       Good descriptions, flows well - thanks

4.       Minor editorial changes – agreed with some

5.       Suggested altitude and speed of advance changes - disagree

RWG member –

1.       Lots of minor editorial changes - agree

2.       Enjoyed - thanks

3.       Use Arabic to identify headscarf – agree

4.       Questioned several British phrases - checking

RWG member –

1.       This comes alive and flows well – thanks 

2.       Questioned Arabic speakers leaving out articles – correct usage

3.       Lots of minor editorial changes – agree

4.       Suggested describing suit as silk –disagree; observant Muslim males don’t wear silk

5.       An interesting passage; you’ve come a long way - thanks

Blog Post 145

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 145

Authors – No new entries.

Local Authors – RWG member Suzi Weinert’s newest “Garage Sale Mystery” novel made into TV movie will appear on the Hallmark Channel in September.

Process – Progress, in terms of critiqued segments, stands at 25 percent.

BAM 20 April 2015 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Liked look at kids point of view, fresh  – agree, working

2.       Liked reference of nickname to greeting  – thanks

3.       Reduce, remove clichés – agree, working

4.       A lot of promise – agree

5.       Liked use of kids rebellion – thanks

6.       Liked depiction of family caught between two worlds – agree

7.       Minor editorial changes – agree

8.       Identify age of kids - agree

BAM member –

1.       Hard to follow, too many characters interacting – agree, working

2.        Confusing shift of perspective – agree, reworking

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree

4.       Boys dialogue better – thanks

5.       Identify ages of kids – agree, working

6.       Has potential when character actions are more focused - working

BAM member –

1.       Too much teenage angst – agree, working

2.       Behavior of teens is chaotic – agree, working

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

4.       Too much information given – agree, working

5.       Include an ending that ties to story – agree, working

BAM member –

1.       Confusing – agree, working

2.       Identify speakers - agree

3.       Identify ages of kids – agree, working

4.       Minor editorial changes – agree

5.       Liked Bai not wanting her brother to run away – thanks

6.       Is all the teen banter, name calling necessary – working

7.       Didn’t understand reference to Gonzos – agree, Muppets iconic character

BAM member –

1.       Couldn’t follow characters – agree, working

2.       Dialogue between kids good - working

BAM member –

1.       Reads well until page 2, but too technical - agree, working

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree

3.       Enjoyed kids dialogue – thanks

4.       Identify speakers – agree

5.       Clarify how this segment fits into overall story – agree

6.       Too rambling – agree, working

7.       Liked description of Mick and Mamo as M&Ms – thanks

8.       Show what is the conflict or tension here – working

BAM member –

1.       Interesting insight into Western vs Muslim cultural clashes – agree

2.       Identify ages of the kids – agree, working

3.       Enjoyed kids dialogue – thanks

4.       Didn’t think reprimand of Mick was appropriate in Moslem family – disagree, term is Muslim, not Moslem and Mick and Mamo are very distant cousins, not brothers

BAM member –

1.       Lots crammed in – agree, working

2.       Too much kid dialogue  – agree, working

3.       Minor editorial changes - agree

4.       Remove clichés – agree

5.       Didn’t understand “sorting hat” reference – disagree, Harry Potter and Hogwarts

6.       Liked reference to scanning of zebra stripes as UPC codes – thanks

7.       Clear up point of view conflicts - agree

Blog Post 144

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 144

Authors – No new entries.

Local Authors – A fellow member of the RWG, Suzi Weinert, is having her third “Garage Sale” series of novels made into another Hallmark Movies and Mysteries channel TV movie.  It will appear on 11 April.

Process – The most recent Books A Million critique was extremely gratifying. I had taken just rough notes on a segment, which needed to be background in Kashan Kashmeeri, and winged it. I wrote it mostly from scribbled notes, then revised and tweaked it for a critique session. Because it was much more of an action segment it came across much better at the review.

Distractions – I discovered that my estimate of zoysia grass plugs needed to redo our back yard was seriously underestimated.  I will need to quintuple my previous order, and spend lots of time making holes in the back yard.

BAM 06 April 2015 critique comments

BAM member  –

1.       Very good, so much better than previous - thanks

2.       Liked use of Holmes and Watson character interplay  – agree

3.       One of your best  – agree

4.       Liked use of humor in dialogue – agree

5.       Good setting of scene –

6.       Kept our interest - agree

BAM member  –

1.       Really good - thanks

2.        Coherent, good flow - thanks

3.       Still too much detail - disagree, genre

4.       Suggest add description of missile damage to plane – agree, working

5.       Minor editorial changes – agree

6.       Well told – agree, working

BAM member  -

1.       Best segment - thanks

2.       Much better dialogue and narrative – agree, reworking

3.       Minor editorial changes – working

BAM member  -

1.       Well told - thanks

2.       Why didn’t the General know the story – disagree; personal observations, rather than mission

3.       Lots of suspense, peril - thanks

4.       Minor editorial changes - agree

BAM member  –

1.       Missed most of reading

2.       No written comments

BAM member  –

1.       Best yet – thanks 

2.       Remove duplication mention of motors running – agree

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree and disagree

4.       Suggested change to terminology for “deuce and a half” - disagree

BAM member  –

1.       Reads more clearly, best of recent - thanks

2.       Liked short, dramatic dialogue – thanks

Blog Post 143

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 143

Authors – No new entries.

Local Authors – I recently did some research on fellow Riverside Writers Group (RWG) members, and discovered quite a few have eBooks on the market. So I generated a Word document listing them all, along with their eBooks and the applicable ISBNs. I’ve recommended each to CRRL at their website’s Recommend a Title tab.

Process – Critiques are a necessary and extremely helpful part of the writing process.

Distractions – Those bright shiny distractions are out and about. They now include cleaning out the backyard pond and getting ready for Spring. Found a huge, dead and decomposing frog in the water, but the goldfish survived through another winter. It is now roughly eight inches long and I think it’s transforming into a koi, with a prominent white spot on its side.

Another big distraction has been building five birdhouses from scratch and mounting them.

Another distraction has been clipping apart and planting 950 zoysia sod plugs.

BAM 30 March 2015 critique comments

BAM Member  –

1.       Find a way to shrink to two pages - disagree, working to improve

2.       Too much detail – agree, working

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree

4.       Liked use of humor in dialogue - agree

BAM Member  –

1.       Better, but still to technical  – agree, working

2.        Got a better idea of characters – agree

3.       Stress uncertainty, tension – agree, working

4.       Much improved - agree

5.       Minor editorial changes – agree

6.       Compress dialogue – agree, working

BAM Member  –

1.       Smoother, easier to follow, but narrow market – agree, working

2.       Very detailed, many acronyms  – agree, reworking

3.       Enjoyed this time - agree, working

4.       Some dialogue very good - thanks

BAM Member  –

1.       Better reader appeal  – agree, reworking

2.       Shorten, use hints rather than detail - agree, working

3.       Use look backs - agree, working

4.       Minor editorial changes - agree

5.       Explain “Insha ’Allah” – agree

6.       Uncertain what TR meant – Trouble Report noted above – disagree

7.       Suggested removing tag about General’s face – disagree, foreshadowing

BAM Member  –

1.       Much better dialogue– working

2.       Minor editorial changes – disagree

3.       Didn’t understand “national controls” – agree, reworking

4.       Disliked use of “software weenies” – disagree

BAM Member  –

1.       No written comments – new BAM member

2.       Liked short, dramatic dialogue – thanks

BLOG POST 141

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 141

Currently there have been more than 5200 page views of this Tessera Trilogy blog. That is encouraging. My HICUZ blog has over 8100 page views, even more encouraging.

PROCESS – I believe I need to formalize a listing of comments that relate to my process of writing. The eventual objective might be to put together a book on writing, and identifying the process ideas may be helpful.

                One important idea is for the beginning, or experienced writer (and I mean of prose) is that that individual join a writing group, and participate in critique sessions. While these can de disheartening at times, their honest and constructive suggestions are critical to writing a novel that will be of interest to readers.

                That said, it is also important to formally collect, analyze, and respond to those suggestions and critical comments.

BAM 09 March 2015 critique comments

BAM critique member  –

1.       Short on human interest  – agree, working

2.       Didn’t grab my attention  – agree, working

3.       Earlier segments were more human  – agree, working

4.       Minor editorial changes - agree

BAM critique member  –

1.       The story is clear if reader is a systems engineer – agree, working

2.        Will lose readers with so much tech talk – agree, reworking

3.       Too big a data dump on missiles - agree, working

4.       Use dialogue as a way to bring in tech info - agree, working

5.       Improve transition to discussion of satellite data - agree, working

6.       Remove “clever and effective ruse” - agree, working

7.       Is Tooley going to talk to Amir – great insight, in process

8.       Minor editorial changes - working

BAM critique member  –

1.       Tech heavy, of limited interest – agree, working

2.       Bring in personal interest  – agree, reworking

3.       Expand on Colonel Khalid non-select to Brigadier - agree, working

4.       Elaborate on the nature of the missiles - agree, working

5.       Incorporate any effect Amir can have on Brigadier selection – agree, coming

BAM critique member  –

1.       Too much tech info, make more personal – agree, working

2.       Expand tension of Khalid non-select for General - agree

3.       Suggest shift from telling to dialogue – agree, working

4.       Suggested minor editorial changes - agree

BAM critique member  –

1.       No idea what going on - disagree, but needs rework 

2.       Identify speaker on page 2 - agree, working

BAM critique member  –

1.       Reads well until page 2, but too technical - agree, working

2.       Expand interaction about Colonel Khalid – agree, working

3.       Too technical - agree, working

4.       Identify speaker/analyst on satellite data - agree, working

5.       Minor editorial suggestions – agree

6.       Improve transition on page 2 - agree, working

BAM critique member  –

1.       Reads well - Thanks

2.       Understandable, can’t wait for next segment – thanks

3.       Well written – needs work