BLOG POST 109

Editorial critiques from review of draft segments from Sooley Base

1)       Editorial suggestions – agree; in process

2)      Eliminate use of viewgraphs, slides – disagree, part of genre

3)      Minimize use of BOLDING for emphasis – partially agree, part of  technical genre

4)      Minimize exclamation points as emphasis – agree, in process

5)      Set the scene better – agree, in process

6)      Reduce technical narrative – agree in part

7)      Incorporate character reactions – agree, in process

8)      Increase tension in segments – agree, in process

9)       Use less poetic language – agree; in process

10)   Improve flow – agree, in process

11)   Accentuate character personalities – agree, in process

12)   Identify speakers – agree, in process

13)   Read dialogue for effect before finalizing – agree, in process

These suggestions come at a point where the majority of the novel is in final draft, yet they expose segments which need help before going to market. 

Blog Post 108

Tessera Trilogy blog post 108

Even as I read I noted some necessary changes, and have incorporated those. The effort goes onward, if slowly. Word count now stands at 89 K and page count at 184 (down from 190), but these will vary as the draft moves towards final form.

Chapters require renumbered and resized and in many cases will be re-titled.  Roughly two- third of the pages are in final draft form.

Thanks to two agreeable fans who agreed to provide assistance with the cover of Sooley Base.

On other front in the war with words, DP Tolan has been otherwise distracted, putting together characters, a timeline and story for a novel beyond the Tessera Trilogy, even beyond TNO, which follows the trilogy.

Why I write …

Well, I always have, making endless ‘to do’ lists, writing journals to records high, and low, points of travels, and shared genealogy records. You can’t really do those things and not write, or be an engineer in the Navy and not draft numerous messages, meeting briefs, et cetera.  Beside the technical slant from Navy days, I acquired along the way a style which didn’t match up with novels. So as a member of the RWG I found my style needed changes, big changes. But I continued to write, and improve.

My favorite authors include Tom Clancy, James Patterson, and Michael and Jeff Shaara.  That tells you I like a mix of technical, historical adventure.  So with those greats as inspiration, I have a way to go to find my eventual style.

Oh, and I also write because I want to share what the voices tell me!

Blog Post 107

Even as I read I noted some necessary changes, and have incorporated those. The effort goes onward, if slowly. Word count now stands at 90 K (down from 95K) and page count at 190 (down from 198), but these will vary as the draft moves towards final form.

Chapters require renumbered and resized and in many cases will be re-titled.  Roughly two- third of the pages are in final draft form.

A segment of Sooley Base was read and critiqued at November RWG meeting. I distinguished between male and female members because there is a substantive divide between males, who understand, appreciate military terminology, and females, who don’t. The following editorial critiques were received from RWG members:

RWG female member –

            Good visuals – no change

            Confusion as to character identity – Agree, working

            Suggest use “sound” vs “turbulence” – Agree, working

            Terminology “Guns 88” unclear – Disagree, genre

RWG female member –

            See Clancy’s “The Sum of All Fears” re bomb bursting, how the plane

                        crashed, the blood ran  – will consider

RWG female member –

            Liked inflection reading – no change

            Lost as to who was talking – agree, working

            Unclear what “fletchettes” were – Disagree, but working

            Missed technical terms – Disagree, genre

            Recommend not using “hunting season” twice – Agree, changed

            Exciting – no change

            Unclear if helo is Huey is helicopter – Disagree, no change

            Enjoyed reading – no change

RWG female member –

            Full of action, motions – No change

            Targeted to a particular audience, familiar with military – No change

            Clearer writing than two years ago – Agree, no change

            Writing better, improved – Agree, no change

            Easy to follow visuals – no change

            Usage of military terms – Agree, no change

            Style improved, much better - Agree

RWG male member - 

            Unclear what watch standers are – Disagree, genre

            Clarify “red wristed man” – Disagree, covered earlier

            Questioned use of “helo’s turbulence” – working

            Second page, POV conflict of “all his life” vs I’d see – working

            Second page, conflict of “They felt” vs “He banked” – Agree, working

            Liked “He had a permit and it was hunting season” – Agree

            Last page, first sentence weak – Agree, working

           

RWG female member –

            Didn’t know what (action) came before – understood

            Used too many acronyms – Disagree, genre

            Too many technical areas – Disagree, genre

RWG female member –

            Question of identity of speakers – Agree, working

            Unfamiliar with “kluged” – Disagree, no change

            Liked “ripple fired” and helo “maneuvers” – Agree

            Unfamiliar with “fletchettes” – Disagree, no change

            Liked imagery of smoke from rockets – Agree

            Good suspenseful break (at end) - Agree

           

RWG female member –

            Good action, much clearer (than earlier writing) – Agree

            Writing vastly improved – Agree

            Add bigger description of characters – Agree, working

            Clarify who is speaker – Agree, working

            Identify men’s nationalities – Disagree, done earlier

            Describe speaker speech patterns – Agree, working

            Incorporate descriptors of men’s patterns – Agree, working

RWG male member –

            Heavy military interest – Agree

            Liked imagery of rocket smoke – no change

This wouldn’t have happened with an AEGIS ship – no change

Sailor’s delight – no change

Editorial change – Disagree, no change

Blog Post 106

Tessera Trilogy blog post 106

Received several informative insights into infantry tactics at varying levels, i.e. squad, platoon, company which will assist in clarifying novel narrative and flow.

Received additional insights and suggestions for Sooley Base medical terminology and narrative.

Editorial critiques are expected shortly from a retired US Army Ranger who served multiple tours in Vietnam and is currently reviewing segments from Sooley Base.

Attended the October meeting of the Riverside Writers Group (RWG) which was a writers workshop as part of annual Parade of Prose and included an Open Mike segment. Several RWG writers displayed their most recent published works and I bought one, “The Secret Diary of Ewan Macrae” by Judy Hill. Judy is a bit older than I and confessed she worked on the novel for eleven years. It is available as an eBook from Amazon.com, and from reading just a bit thus far, and recalling segments critiqued at RWG meetings, I highly recommend it.  I opened as the lead in the Open Mike reading … a segment involving a helo attack on a ship defended with Surface to Air Missiles (SAMs). There were no written comments, but another published author said he thought the style was a huge improvement on previous (I think he was recalling the earlier novel, which admittedly had far too much narrative). I now have my reading style down … two and a half pages, printed with 1.5 line spacing, equates to the five minute limit.

Even as I read I noted some necessary changes, and have incorporated those. The effort goes onward, if slowly. Word count now stands at 95 K and page count at 198, but these will vary as the draft moves forward. Chapters will be renumbered and resized and in a few cases are being retitled. 

Blog Post 105

Tessera Trilogy blog post 105

Word count now stands at 95 K and page count at 198, but these will vary as the draft moves forward. Chapters will be renumbered and resized and in a few cases are being retitled.

At most recent Riverside Writers Group (RWG), as one of numerous members sang rap songs, read poetry, acted and read short stories, the format was “Open Mike” and thus there were no written critiques. One RWG member did question the utility of including the caliber of a weapon, the weight and the velocity of its bullets. These questions will be taken into account when making final revisions.

Editorial critiques were received from a medical professional who reviewed segments from Sooley Base.

The reviewer stated the segments (written by non-medical author) were better written than expected and could only be made more vivid by extensive use of very technical medical terminology.

*** Good job of describing medical issues.

*** Liked the ending of the novel and the interplay of characters.

*** Liked the use of right and left hand comparison in describing departments and teams.

Make a correction to suggest the patient’s infection originated from a gauze left inside at a suture site, with some discoloration, and a lump – agree; in process

Correct typo errors – agree; in process

Suggested better terminology for IV ‘bubbler’ – agree; in process

Suggested better description of usage and effect of PICC line – agree; in process

Change draft to reflect that as BP increases, the heart rate decreases, unless body is in

shock – agree; in process

Questioned use of ‘genes’ in description of drop of blood – disagree, part of back story

Improve clarity and wording of stream of consciousness thoughts – agree; in process

Improve usage of medical terms to describe patient and his condition – agree; in process

Questioned use of ‘who’ as slang in dialogue – disagree, pertinent to character

Blog Post 104

Tessera Trilogy blog post 104

Word count now stands at 95K, down from 101K and page count at 198, down from 214, but these will vary as the draft moves forward. Chapters will be renumbered, resized and in a few cases retitled.

Had a great opportunity and took it. A medical professional is reviewing/critiquing a segment of Sooley Base. I expect some critical suggestions. Listen to see if you can hear me crying in my beer.

Target date to publish Sooley Base remains the end of the year, and a special deal is planned. I intend to get the publisher offer a package deal for the first two novels. Watch for a notice through the blog and Facebook.

Blog Post 103

Word count now stands at 101K and page count at 214, but these will vary as the draft moves forward. Chapters are being renumbered and resized and in a few cases being retitled.

Editorial critiques from review of segments from chapter 35 of Sooley Base

The chapter was in a draft, in progress state at the time,

Various typos and grammatical corrections – agree; in process

“The acrid … weapons.” overly verbose; seems forced – agree; in process

 “They forgot … shared minds? Explore characters individual reactions – agree; in

 process

“his life at an end … forced and pretentious. Use less poetic language – agree; in process

“Eww!!! Unworkable language; evokes a Valley Girl taking out the trash – agree; in

            process

“Purple, wasn’t that …” Explain. Is this supposed to be jumpy and scattered? … a

subsequent comment ties it in – agree; in process. Will rewrite, tie the related sentences together

Help Wanted – Good; Terrific – Thanks, needed that

Pick a perspective (and stick with it) – agree; in process

Find a better word; hellacious is only used by surfers – agree; in process

Set the scene better – agree; in process

Bullet points in a novel are inexcusable – disagree; this was part of a briefing, with notes

 - in process

Where are your transitions – agree; in process

Set the scene – agree; in process

Describe the environment, characters, atmosphere, plot – agree; in process

You use mental processes for too many characters; Use on protagonists  – agree; in

            process

Stop giving primacy to so many characters – disagree; in process

Questions (and self reflection) are boring! Use more exciting language – agree; in process

Definitive statements of characters adds drama – agree; in process

Start a sentence without He, His – agree; in process

Use fewer ellipses – agree; in process

Infinity of sand – not a good use of the word – disagree

SGT MAJ clutched his neck – describe through Samir’s – disagree; Samir was without

            his scope. In process

He was across the river of death – He is not an ancient Greek. Makes no sense – agree;

            in process

Will a bullet catch me today? Stop the questions – in process

Diversify use of metaphors – agree; in process

“Acknowledged in Arabic” – have him actually say the words. Use less narrative  – will

 consider; in process

Use slang more – agree; in process

Identify speaker – disagree; evident from context

“Fill that hole” – pick a better title – agree; in process

Generals don’t explain every thought – agree, though it explains character; in process

Don’t explain necessity for blood compatibility – agree; in process

Tell us who is talking – “Fill that hole with this” – disagree; evident from context

“His ATV smoldered” ...  implies a dying fire – word choice – agree; in process

Use more descriptive words for “feeding the flames” – agree; in process

SGT Salman prayed, frozen – use more descriptive language – agree; in process

Include exclamation points – agree; in process

It was a tactical – What? – disagree; evident in wording

“Don’t piss off the jinn!” What does this accomplish? – will consider. Part of the

            mysticism of novel, of ties to ancient beliefs; in process

“General Amir ordered use of the Hummer.” Make the reader care – agree; in process

“Strawberry soda” Who is (Chaywallah) and why does this matter, Needs transition –

            don’t just hop back into the scene– agree; in process

“Ok, right now I need you to – Give this more character – agree; in process

“Then seeing dismay spread …” What is up with this Stansfield and timeline? – agree; in

            process

“You’re too dangerous to be around.” Who says this? – agree; in process