Word count now stands at 101K and page count at 214, but
these will vary as the draft moves forward. Chapters are being renumbered and
resized and in a few cases being retitled.
Editorial critiques from review of segments from chapter
35 of Sooley Base
The chapter was in a draft, in
progress state at the time,
Various typos and grammatical corrections – agree; in
process
“The acrid … weapons.” overly verbose; seems forced – agree;
in process
“They forgot … shared
minds? Explore characters individual reactions – agree; in
process
“his life at an end … forced and pretentious. Use less
poetic language – agree; in process
“Eww!!! Unworkable language; evokes a Valley Girl taking out
the trash – agree; in
process
“Purple, wasn’t that …” Explain. Is this supposed to be
jumpy and scattered? … a
subsequent comment ties it in –
agree; in process. Will rewrite, tie the related sentences together
Help Wanted – Good; Terrific – Thanks, needed that
Pick a perspective (and stick with it) – agree; in process
Find a better word; hellacious is only used by surfers –
agree; in process
Set the scene better – agree; in process
Bullet points in a novel are inexcusable – disagree; this was part of a
briefing, with notes
- in process
Where are your transitions – agree; in process
Set the scene – agree; in process
Describe the environment, characters, atmosphere, plot –
agree; in process
You use mental processes for too many characters; Use on
protagonists – agree; in
process
Stop giving primacy to so many characters – disagree; in process
Questions (and self reflection) are boring! Use more
exciting language – agree; in process
Definitive statements of characters adds drama – agree; in
process
Start a sentence without He, His – agree; in process
Use fewer ellipses – agree; in process
Infinity of sand – not a good use of the word – disagree
SGT MAJ clutched his neck – describe through Samir’s – disagree; Samir was without
his scope.
In process
He was across the river of death – He is not an ancient
Greek. Makes no sense – agree;
in process
Will a bullet catch me today? Stop the questions – in
process
Diversify use of metaphors – agree; in process
“Acknowledged in Arabic” – have him actually say the words.
Use less narrative – will
consider; in process
Use slang more – agree; in process
Identify speaker – disagree; evident from context
“Fill that hole” – pick a better title – agree; in process
Generals don’t explain every thought – agree, though it
explains character; in process
Don’t explain necessity for blood compatibility – agree; in
process
Tell us who is talking – “Fill that hole with this” –
disagree; evident from context
“His ATV smoldered” ...
implies a dying fire – word choice – agree; in process
Use more descriptive words for “feeding the flames” – agree;
in process
SGT Salman prayed, frozen – use more descriptive language –
agree; in process
Include exclamation points – agree; in process
It was a tactical – What? – disagree; evident in wording
“Don’t piss off the
jinn!” What does this accomplish? – will consider. Part of the
mysticism
of novel, of ties to ancient beliefs; in process
“General Amir ordered use of the Hummer.” Make the reader
care – agree; in process
“Strawberry soda” Who is (Chaywallah) and why does this
matter, Needs transition –
don’t just
hop back into the scene– agree; in process
“Ok, right now I need you to – Give this more character –
agree; in process
“Then seeing dismay spread …” What is up with this
Stansfield and timeline? – agree; in
process
“You’re too dangerous to be around.” Who says this? – agree;
in process
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