Blog post 102

Tessera Trilogy Blog entry 102

Sooley Base word count as of 23 May – 100K, and page count 209. I have now conceded that the novel won’t make it to publication until the twelfth of never, or late this Fall!!!

Writers block, combined with numerous shiny objects around the yard continue to distract me.

I had asked two infantry combat veterans to review segments of the novel for accuracy of terms, tactics, flow and credibility. Thus far neither has responded – a shame. Check your six!

With the above vets not responding another reviewer was chosen, and provided these excellent insights and suggestions covering segments from Sooley Base chapters 33 and 34:

What are DATs? – reject; explained in previous segments.

Need a more exciting first sentence – agree, in process

Ellipses used too often; use commas – considering (style issue)

Too many questions posed – reject; builds drama and interest

The previous line suggests anger; then he mutters? – agree; in process

Thoughts should be given by dialogue – in process

Unclear who speaking – reject

Thoughts too casual for a Colonel; don’t reveal the Colonel ‘hoping’ – agree; in process

“Clicks over the radio acknowledged his orders.” – not dramatic enough – agree; in process

“There was a warning, a soft rumble …” – Ugly sentence – agree; in process

Too many sentences start with “it” – agree; in process

“It would be an hour before …” – do this with dialogue – agree; in process

Lessen use of “walked” and “crawled” - in process

Reword “Workers ran for cover … very awkward - agree; in process

“Whether they believed or not” – find better way to express - agree; in process

“Like moths drawn …” – Good! More like this! Make “BOOM” the page ender – agree

Hard Scrabble – good metaphor, but DUPE use of phrase - agree; in process

“A Chinese worker …” – Don’t need his name if he’s a throwaway (or give him features before he dies) - agree; in process

“Ashrah Hummer One – much too casual for such a tense situation - agree; in process

Make “Hell” start with lower case h - agree; in process

“High diddle diddle …” – way too casual - agree; in process

“leveled his Galil, hosed the lights…” – Good. The bullets as a water metaphor, like from a torrent of lead - agree

“but soon were digging in, a new reality” – change to “an unexpected reality” - in process

“dark hair sought to distinguish …” - reword

Ali and Bethsoud … Shia and Sunni …” – Excellent – agree

“This base has Chinese …” – strained use of words - agree; in process

Reduce amount of cursing for cursing sake. The narrator should never curse – reject first; - agree; in process on second POV

“Saudi, I’m going …” – how are they talking to each other - Splain; in process

“Rubbing the magician’s lamp” as segment title – awkward - agree; in process

“There was a muffled explosion ...” – Great – agree

“The missile created …” Great – agree

“hugging it like …” Narrator has too much influence on vocab and tone - agree; in process

Different light – doing a hell of a lot of wandering; focus - agree; in process

“Damn we really need the air support …” monologues are best left to Broadway and comic book villains - agree; in process

“Deputy Base Commander …” make him do something other than jamming - agree; in process

Very cool use of history reference – agree

“One only dared glance up as he rolled ...” – explain - agree; in process

“Amir made an offer … Excellent (use of dialogue) - agree; in process

Remove duplicate use of phrase “like the cape of a dervish” - agree; in process

“Rifle fire … well aimed …” – this format is generally reserved for poetry - disagree; in process

“Bethsoud yelled across …” – best use of dialogue so far - - agree

“Chance is on our side …” ‘ (make) More like this – agree

“casting a chill … great use of light as dualistic – agree

“Slam, bam, thank you Mam! …” – Good! – agree

“and We won’t move.” – remove underlining, uncapitalize “we” - agree

“not a simple bet on a camel race – weak - agree; in process

Simple punctuation and word suggestions - agree; in process

“Only the stuff we brought …” – creates tension; well done! – agree

“it wasn’t a war. Every …” GREAT! - agree; in process

“Captain Ali …” – awkward - - agree; in process

“Stomachs twitched …” suggestions as to flow - agree; in process

“Hunkered down – Those facing each other …” – extremely general and boring - agree; in process

“Three more after this …” revise old man terminology - agree; in process

“Those whores, they are too …” good use of expletives – agree

“We’re the toughest …” too Americanized; return to broken English - agree; in process

Revise negative use of description - agree; in process

“Misery that’s what!” – very casual but educated word choice- agree; in process

Avoid use of increasing size of font and bolding for emphasis – reject

Don’t explain use of words; people will recognize from usage – agree

Don’t whisper with use of exclamation point – agree

“The last taunt was a bold faced lie. …” change ending sentence - agree; in process

“The first of two …” – good description – agree

Analogy used in “Beyond the lives at risk …” strained - agree; in process

“The assailant twisted in …” isn’t dramatic enough - agree; in process

“from the confrontation and confusion …” return the plot to … - agree; in process

Take aways –

1)       Don’t start paragraphs with “it.”

2)       Use dialogue

3)      Avoid use of “would”

4)      Lessen use of military ranks … use first or last names

5)      Use more dramatic dialogue and word choices