Blog Post 107

Even as I read I noted some necessary changes, and have incorporated those. The effort goes onward, if slowly. Word count now stands at 90 K (down from 95K) and page count at 190 (down from 198), but these will vary as the draft moves towards final form.

Chapters require renumbered and resized and in many cases will be re-titled.  Roughly two- third of the pages are in final draft form.

A segment of Sooley Base was read and critiqued at November RWG meeting. I distinguished between male and female members because there is a substantive divide between males, who understand, appreciate military terminology, and females, who don’t. The following editorial critiques were received from RWG members:

RWG female member –

            Good visuals – no change

            Confusion as to character identity – Agree, working

            Suggest use “sound” vs “turbulence” – Agree, working

            Terminology “Guns 88” unclear – Disagree, genre

RWG female member –

            See Clancy’s “The Sum of All Fears” re bomb bursting, how the plane

                        crashed, the blood ran  – will consider

RWG female member –

            Liked inflection reading – no change

            Lost as to who was talking – agree, working

            Unclear what “fletchettes” were – Disagree, but working

            Missed technical terms – Disagree, genre

            Recommend not using “hunting season” twice – Agree, changed

            Exciting – no change

            Unclear if helo is Huey is helicopter – Disagree, no change

            Enjoyed reading – no change

RWG female member –

            Full of action, motions – No change

            Targeted to a particular audience, familiar with military – No change

            Clearer writing than two years ago – Agree, no change

            Writing better, improved – Agree, no change

            Easy to follow visuals – no change

            Usage of military terms – Agree, no change

            Style improved, much better - Agree

RWG male member - 

            Unclear what watch standers are – Disagree, genre

            Clarify “red wristed man” – Disagree, covered earlier

            Questioned use of “helo’s turbulence” – working

            Second page, POV conflict of “all his life” vs I’d see – working

            Second page, conflict of “They felt” vs “He banked” – Agree, working

            Liked “He had a permit and it was hunting season” – Agree

            Last page, first sentence weak – Agree, working

           

RWG female member –

            Didn’t know what (action) came before – understood

            Used too many acronyms – Disagree, genre

            Too many technical areas – Disagree, genre

RWG female member –

            Question of identity of speakers – Agree, working

            Unfamiliar with “kluged” – Disagree, no change

            Liked “ripple fired” and helo “maneuvers” – Agree

            Unfamiliar with “fletchettes” – Disagree, no change

            Liked imagery of smoke from rockets – Agree

            Good suspenseful break (at end) - Agree

           

RWG female member –

            Good action, much clearer (than earlier writing) – Agree

            Writing vastly improved – Agree

            Add bigger description of characters – Agree, working

            Clarify who is speaker – Agree, working

            Identify men’s nationalities – Disagree, done earlier

            Describe speaker speech patterns – Agree, working

            Incorporate descriptors of men’s patterns – Agree, working

RWG male member –

            Heavy military interest – Agree

            Liked imagery of rocket smoke – no change

This wouldn’t have happened with an AEGIS ship – no change

Sailor’s delight – no change

Editorial change – Disagree, no change