BLOG POST 222

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 222

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 82 pages reviewed.

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BAM 01 May 2017 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Liked this continuation – thanks

2.      Correct shift of POV from Bai to George - agree

3.      Many editorial suggestions – agree, working

4.      Questioned whether Marsha was a trainer – no, an accountant

5.      Correct POV shift to Mo at end - agree

BAM member –

1.      Use of italics loses readers interest - working

2.      Don’t need to know of gym equipment – agree, working

3.      Didn’t believe Adnan and other Saudis would use Pidgin English – disagree. My son taught ESL there and it was common among his students

BAM member –

1.      Brought parents in, but didn’t elaborate – they’re throw away characters to tie this sequel to the Trilogy

2.      Why was Bai surprised about undefined “other things” having to do with the vandals who flattened Bai’s tire – because George had explained what the other things are yet

3.      Questioned the setting at start – this continues scene from previous, at George’s place

4.      Felt George was unrealistically good at hacking – thanks, part of his charm and work

5.      Felt the hair roots would be gray, and the ends dyed – agree, working

6.      Stated Arabia is not a country – Saudi Arabia is, I was using a shortcut – working

7.      Felt reader needs to get into Adnan’s mind and his commitment to terrorism – working. It will turn out he isn’t a committed terrorist, but a very reluctant one.

8.      Questioned the use of broken English - disagree. My son taught ESL there and it was common among his students

9.      Correct sudden and jarring POV shift to Mo at end - agree

BAM member –

1.      Still interesting – thanks

2.      Correct tense error in first sentence – agree

3.      Questioned whether Bai and George are a committed couple – engaged, living together

4.      Felt all Arabs are good, despite the plot – agree

BAM member –

1.      Flowed well, good continuation - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Could envision Adnan as a normal person, not terrorist – thanks (good catch)

2.      Bai didn’t seem concerned about possible gang shootout in LA – she isn’t

3.      Thought the tension between East and West LA mob units was funny - thanks