BLOG POST 223

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 223

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 87 pages reviewed.

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The process – Here is another segment of my latest published novel – Kashan Kashmeeri – for your enjoyment. The segments are selected to progressively go through the novel, giving you a flavor of its compelling story and tension. Enjoy!

I

sraeli citizens had observed large numbers of planes leave, a quantity which stirred viral speculation. Far fewer returned than left. One Israeli air base had none.

         Phone calls quickly swamped military commanders, and base phone exchanges and cell towers blistered with calls from anxious families, many to the government. 

“Prime Minister, my operation failed to destroy that AWACS. No planes returned.  We can’t rescue the downed pilots without jeopardizing more lives.” Defense Minister Jabeel handed Geblar his resignation letter, citing the failure of Hatkafa.

Within the hour TV Jerusalem’s 1:00 PM newscast captured the nation’s attention. “Defense Minister Jabeel, long a maverick member of Prime Minister Geblar’s cabinet, resigned today after an important operation. The effort failed with the loss of what the Defense Minister’s office termed ‘numerous losses.’”

The camera panned to a dour Jabeel as he announced on screen, “my only nephew, Major Jakob Levi, is missing in action.” Jabeel indicated that he hoped the young aviator might be a prisoner in Saudi Arabia. Additional updates will be coming in BREAKING NEWS on your favorite station, TV/Radio Jerusalem. This is Avril Benyameen signing off.”

Geblar grinned as he watched the broadcast with his Chief of Staff, “Now I can get a less confrontational Knesset member to fill in.” He smirked, “Tell the Press we’re sorry to see him go … and praise his long service to our nation.” Good riddance.

Opposition within the Knesset quickly demanded Defense Minister Jabeel’s replacement. Eyal, Geblar’s Chief of Staff, suggested a way forward, “We might get support from America if we can put a moderate in, or a woman.”

“I didn’t like the maneuvers Jabeel used to increase his influence and have suggested a few names for his replacement.” Geblar smiled; he hoped to maneuver a party friend into the Cabinet position. If pressured, he’d accept an opposition party member, or at least get someone better to work with.

The DM’s office transformed into a space filled with dejected staffers, updating resumes, and filling boxes with mementos. One was a picture of Jabeel’s nephew, now MIA. The pilot had been shot down, reports sketchy whether he was alive.

At his office barely an hour later, Geblar’s day descended into another vortex. His aide burst into the office, bent red faced over a chair, and gasped, “Prime Minister, we are under attack!”

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BAM 08 May 2017 critique comments

BAM member  –

1.      Dialogue is really good, eliminate tags – thanks

2.      Not clear that Mick and Mo are doing more than security job – disagree, numerous references to themselves as Holmes, Watson, and the adrenaline rush of being detectives, the thrill of discovering Infidel flag

3.      Mention matting on stage as part of setting – agree

4.      Need to mention what Mick and Mo are planning to do – will introduce slowly, as foreshadowing

5.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree

6.      Are Mick and Mo planning to spy on these guys – YES.

BAM member  –

1.      Story starting to mesh – thanks

2.      Questioned Judy’s mentioning George’s work for FBI –Judy knows Mick and Bai personally, and Mafia take-down and threat known to all, will soften

3.      Why aren’t Mick and Mo going to the authorities – think of themselves as detectives; and the adrenaline rush of discovering Infidel flag and personal desire to take terrorists down

4.      Minor editorial suggestions - agree

5.      These two (Mick and Mo) are going to get themselves killed – thanks, tension set

6.      Clarify when Judy lost her composure – agree, working

7.      Correct Mick’s description of a security services company without mentioning the services – agree, working

8.      Didn’t believe Agent Simpson would let Mick not tell her – it’s coming, setting up tension and misdirects

BAM member  –

1.      Begin to see the story coming together - thanks

2.      Identify speaker in one sentence for clarity - agree

3.      Questioned whether personal bits conversation between FBI agent and Mick on stage would be whispered – agree, working

4.      Keeping my interest  – thanks

5.      Questioned lack of question mark in one sentence – disagree, not a question but a statement of their search orientation (where).

6.      Minor editorial suggestions - agree

BAM member  –

1.      Flowed well, good continuation – thanks

2.      Bringing story bits together – thanks

3.      No written comments

BAM member  –

1.      Left before reading

2.      Took copy to review and comment on – awaiting late input