BLOG POST 224

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 224

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 88 pages reviewed.

                        *********************************************

BAM 15 May 2017 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Pretty good job, lots clearer where story is going – thanks

2.      Liked job of POV transition on page 2 - thanks

3.      Many editorial suggestions – agree, working

4.      Condense, shorten sentences - working

5.      Fortune cookie not worth including – disagree, a deflection, a suggestion of a clue

6.      Mick and Mo portion interesting – thanks

7.      Foresee that Mick and Mo will go wrong –

8.      Clarify cost of sensor system – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Good story, a lot clearer where we’re going than before - thanks

2.      Many editorial suggestions – agree, working

3.      Felt segment had repetitive sentences, simplify – working

4.      Have Mick and Mo display fear of being discovered – agree, working

5.      Show how Mo took pictures of car and two men – agree

6.      Lessen details of what seen in trash can – agree, working

7.      Questioned remark about spilling the beans – creating tension, allusion to discovery

BAM member –

1.      Worried George and Bai’s relationship from novel’s start won’t be solved at end – wait

2.      Correct apparent contradiction between first two sentences – agree, working

3.      Clarify whether Judy knew of the two men – agree, working

4.      Liked that Mick and Mo were obviously wrong about Adnan and Hamid – thanks

5.      Wanted to know how Judy reacted to fortune cookies – disagree, said she didn’t believe in them nor enjoy them

6.      Remove mixed metaphors on “spilling the beans” and “tea leaves” – agree, working

7.      Questioned whether Mick knew of Hamid – working to improve

8.      Questioned why Mick and Mo talked of the secretive photos in driveway – to keep their actions, discoveries and plans a secret

BAM member –

1.      Questioned why “facts” not clear to Judy – They’re to be discovered, the tension to come

2.      Felt process of citizenship portrayed as too simple – agree, working

3.      Unsure why Judy told Bai to be careful – Bai is in class with the leader of the two suspects

4.      Clarify Mick’s explanation of their discovery task – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Good story and dialogue - thanks

2.      No written comments