BLOG POST 175

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 175

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 203; total word count up to 92.7 K, and percent went up to 72.0 percent.

Observations on today’s society – I recently attended a luncheon of the US Marines retired community. As I sat next to a retired Gunny, conversation turned to politics. This individual stated that if Vladimir Putin was running against Hillary Clinton he’d vote for Putin. Republican Presidential candidate has called for restricting entry to the US by all Muslims.

BAM 07 December 2015 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree

2.      Recommended more points of view, from diff angles – radar, gun sight, dialogue – agree, working

3.      Lessen telling, add more showing, fear, humanity, and sacrifice – agree, working

4.      Change “gee” to “g” – disagree

5.      Add meaning of Arabic word Hujum – agree – “attack”

6.      Remove list of RSAF air bases – agree

7.      You saved the attack for here; lots going on - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree

2.      Liked that action was apparent – agree

3.      Reduce telling, increase showing – agree

4.      Liked simile of aircraft swarming like African bees – thanks

5.      Identity of EAGLE ONE was unclear – will improve. (It’s the AWACS.)

6.      This segment could have been exciting if used more dialogue … pilots ejecting, etc – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree

2.      Suggested substitute “ministers” for “PM, DM, FM” – agree

3.      Liked section on relay of signals intercept being stopped by Chief of Staff – thanks

4.      Suggested removing sentences on description of planes being engines strapped to fuselage – agree

5.      Liked descriptions of African bees, demolition derby – thanks

6.      Questioned why detection by AWACS of enemy planes was important – motion vectors show the attack was coming to destroy it

7.      What does Hujum mean – Arabic for attack

8.      Questioned who is ACE – An ACE is a pilot with five enemy kills. Many stencil the symbols on plane’s fuselage

9.      Need to identify characters within the action to add humanity, personalize the story – agree (Add pilots name and his side.)

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree

2.      Good, action packed – thanks

3.      Good visuals, but confused as to who is on which team – agree, working

4.      Increase use of dialogue – agree, working

5.      Strong transition to recognition of attack within Arabia – thanks

6.      Improve identity level of pilots – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree

2.      Change “reek” to “wreck” – disagree, correct word used

3.      Questioned why order to start attack was given a week later – to allow for training and preparation

4.      Very detailed narrative of preparation and launch of an attack

5.      Dialogue would make the segment move faster, improve reader connection – agree

6.      Marked smiley face on paragraph briefly describing American response to unfolding attack – thanks

7.      Put a name to pilot in cockpit - agree

BAM member –

1.      Too many lists and detail – agree

2.      Too detached, mechanical – agree

3.      If stay with detached, mechanical, make into well greased machine – agree

4.      Minor editorial changes – agree

BAM member –

1.      Questioned whether “fighters” before takeoff were planes or people

2.      Very good use of powerful verbs – thanks

3.      Liked “pilots punctuating the clouds” – thanks