Blog Post 161

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 161

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total pages up to 174; total word countdown up to 94 K, and percent is 49.4 percent. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum.

I have, in the interest of promoting local eBook authors and changing how most American public libraries promote (or, actually, ignore) local eBook authors, contacted a local eBook author whose works are at CRRL Fredericksburg, VA area).  I asked the author, Howard Owen, how he got his eBooks to be offered by CRRL.  Perhaps I’ll hear back and get some insight as to how to change the system.

BAM 24 August 2015 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree

2.        Good advancement of story – thanks

3.       Suggested tightening up language – agree, working

4.       Simplify discussion of route through mines – agree, working

5.       Shorten description of “Bagem” – agree, working

6.       Shorten mention of Israeli attacks - agree, working

7.       Recalled previous use of RC car – thanks

8.       Suggested replacing “fire, police, and medical” with “emergency” – agree

9.       Suggested Israeli fighters were F-15s – disagree; F-16s as written

BAM member –

1.       Interesting dialogue and story development – thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Confused about countries and the politics and characters – disagree

4.       Suggested new wording re SCIF – disagree, correct grammatically as written

BAM member (new member) –

1.       Loved the action, fast paced – thanks

2.       Suggested use of “incoming” – disagree; inappropriate for setting

3.       Suggested chapterization – working, will consider

4.       Questioned whether F-16s were configured for two aviators – yes

5.       Suggested use “Special” vice “Sensitive” in SCIF – disagree; correct as written

6.       Remove “Innocently” as adverb – agree, working

7.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

8.       Change “Flags” to Flag Officers” - agree

BAM member –

1.       First section good, great description - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Got lost in dialogue between Amir and Khalid – agree, working

4.       Great description of LCOL Framenstan - thanks

5.       Reduce duplicate mention of attack specifics – agree, working

6.       Conversation flowed - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Liked, kept attention – thanks

2.       Good dialogue – thanks

3.       Good description of FAE explosion – thanks

4.       Change “facsimile” to “fax” – agree, working

5.       Suggested tightening up paragraph – agree, working

6.       Nice humor re “pornographic memory” – thanks

7.       Good flow of conversation - thanks

BAM member -

1.       Questioned whether a passerby would look up – disagree

2.       Accentuate conflict between MCPO and VADM – agree, working

3.       Questioned whether highly explosive gas exploded – not at that point

4.       Suggested sentence change related to impact by gigantic wrecking ball – agree, working

5.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

6.       Questioned reference to an historical figure’s name – I changed the spelling, but knew of it

7.       Questioned character lying to stay in USMC – disagree

8.       Suggested spelling bedu with capital B – disagree; common usage in Arabia is bedu

9.       Suggested converting thoughts of character to spoken dialogue - agree

BAM member –

1.       Kept things (story) moving - thanks

2.       Didn’t understand reference to maintenance man – was described in earlier segment

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

4.       Suggested changing “Within a microsecond” to “In less than a second” - agree

5.       Liked image of giant wrecking ball description – thanks

6.       Change “facsimile” to “fax” – agree, working

7.       Questioned use of “building highway” – disagree, foreshadowing

8.       Questioned use of LCOL description including “pornographic memory” – working, part of character’s persona

9.       Suspected reference to NAM and carpet bombing was living in past – disagree, my character and appropriate for genre

10.   Questioned credibility of VADM and LCOL frankness – disagree; know someone like this

BAM member –

1.       Liked first couple of pages and dialogue - thanks

2.       Liked VADM and LCOL dialogue – thanks

3.       Didn’t expect to have to jump under a desk – thanks

4.       Suggested changing “container” to “cart” - disagree

BLOG POST 160

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 160

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total pages up to 173; total word countdown up to 93.4 K, and percent is 47.9 percent. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum.

BAM 17 August 2015 critique comments

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree

2.        Didn’t follow use of “lunch” “launch” -  subtle humor

3.       Reads well – thanks

4.       Suggested remove “”and I’m in the middle of it.” – disagree, the MD’s insight

5.       “It was” doesn’t fit – agree, working

6.       Thought water truck destroyed – no, only hit with fragments

BAM member  –

1.       Well written, continues to get better  – thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Didn’t follow use of “lunch” “launch” -  subtle humor

4.       Felt “sonofabitch” overused – agree, working

5.       Suggested use different word for “frazzled” – agree, working

6.       Reads very well and keeps you going; well done – thanks

7.       Good ending, funny - thanks

BAM member  –

1.       Suggested no use “It was.” – agree, working

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Clear and fast moving – thanks

4.       Lots of repetitive names, Ben Bedoo – disagree; father (MG), son (Cpt) – foreshadowing

BAM member  –

1.       Liked the action – thanks

2.       Kept wanting to read more – thanks

3.       Enjoyed the humor sprinkled in - thanks

4.       Good description, verbs used – thanks

5.       Questioned use of “lunch” “launch” -  subtle humor

6.       Questioned use of “sonofabitch”, “shit” – disagree; they’d just been bombed

BAM member  –

1.       Liked the action  - thanks

2.       Good descriptions  – thanks

3.       Liked the inklings/hints about water truck – thanks

4.       Enjoyed last line – “Duck!” – thanks

5.       Good dialogue between Anh and Tooley – thanks

6.       “It was” doesn’t fit – agree, working

7.       Good use of humor – thanks

8.       Enjoyed having kids in description - thanks

BAM member  –

1.       Liked the action - thanks

2.       Anh and Tooley’s dialogue artificial - working

3.       Remove “It was.” – agree, working

4.       Is Tooley the POV – at points

5.       Suggested rearranging search for locators and weapons – agree, working

BAM member  –

1.       Very interesting action  - thanks

2.       Unique dialogue  – thanks

3.       Good cut, back and forth in scenes  – thanks

4.       Was able to follow without getting lost – thanks

5.       Interesting development - thanks

BAM member  –

1.       Enjoyed the humor, especially “Duck!” - thanks

2.       “Ghoutra” not understood – traditional male Saudi head gear

3.       Reads well, I understood and followed   – thanks

BAM member  -

1.       Liked the action and comedy - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, and disagree

BAM member  –

1.       Makes you hang on - thanks

2.       No written comments

BLOG POST 159

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 159

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total pages up to 172; total word countdown up to 92.5 K, and percent is 47 percent. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum.

BAM 10 August 2015 critique comments

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree

2.        Suggested using more showing, vice telling (narrative) – agree, working

3.       Suggested moving adverb – agree, working

4.       Suggested making thoughts into dialogue – agree, working

5.       Reads well – thanks

6.       Suggested make thoughts into dialogue  – agree, working

7.       Loved it - thanks

BAM member  –

1.       Terrific here –thanks

2.        Good dialogue, action – thanks

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

4.       Part of page 3 “too talky” – working

5.       Good follow on – thanks

6.       Incorporate alarms in aircraft – disagree; infrared missile used (no aircraft sensors to detect)

BAM member  –

1.       Some very good writing  – thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Excellent rhythm and pace – thanks

4.       Language is very authentic – thanks

5.       Good action and imagery, highly visual  – thanks

6.       Good humor, raw language – thanks

7.       Liked “Blam … whoosh” – thanks; but will remove

8.       (Your writing has) really come along - thanks

BAM member  –

1.       Good chapter with lots of action and very good dialogue – thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Suggested verb changes to show effects of hearing loss – agree, working

4.       Suggested revised sentence – agree, working

5.       Military description appropriate and not overdone – thanks

6.       Suggested removing “Blam … whoosh” – agree, working

BAM member  –

1.       Sorry I left Saturday and missed earlier segment - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Suggested make thoughts into dialogue– agree, working

4.       How did Tooley know they were tracking cell phone – because he had read report of previous missile attack

BAM member  –

1.       Loved the tension; opened with a bang  – thanks

2.       Vivid imagery, great writing – thanks

3.       Suggested removing “her pulse and BP soared” unless medical analysis - disagree

4.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

5.       Love it! – thanks

6.       Cool, well done – thanks

7.       I can see this in my mind – thanks

8.       The dialogue is perfect, believable - thanks

BAM member  -

1.       So, Tooley knew (of tracking cell phones, but Amir didn’t) – Both knew, but Tooley acted

2.       Minimize telling (narrative); show – agree, working

3.       Wasn’t clear who is shooting whom – Saudis (see name) are shooting Israelis

4.       Remove “Blam … whoosh” – agree, working

BAM member  -

1.       Questioned how Tooley knew they were tracking cell phone – smart guy

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, and disagree

3.       Suggested removing “Blam … whoosh” – agree, working

4.       Great addition – thanks

5.       Watch POV shifts – agree, working

BAM member  –

1.       Great writing; you even manage humor – thanks

2.       Mentioned not pausing during reading –

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

4.       Much better, mixing nomenclature with everyday speech more natural – thanks

5.        Suggested making thoughts into dialogue – agree, working

6.       Liked the switch in POV (up in the air, then on the ground) - thanks

7.       Suggested making thoughts into new paragraph - disagree

BAM member  –

1.       Excellent description; I haven’t seen better from you  - thanks

2.       Improve awkward wording “outflanked and outgunned”  – agree, working

3.       Ejection seat description strong - thanks

BAM member  –

1.       Really is good; meaningful and clear - thanks

2.       No written comments

3.       Use less telling, more showing – agree, working

BLOG POST 158

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 158

Process – Completed reading Michael Shaara’s The Killer Angels.  It is the story of the Civil War Battle of Gettysburg, turning point of that war.

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total pages down to 171; total word countdown to 92K, and percent is 46 percent. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum.

The RWG guest speaker was New York Times Best Seller John Gilstrap, author of “No Mercy”, Nathan’s Run,” and “Against All Enemies.” He offered the following ideas based on being commercially successful as a thriller/mystery writer –

Select one POV, make it central to each scene

Use short sentences, paragraphs – even single word sentences

Insert a visual break or space if shift POV or scene

Find and use the minimal military jargon level

Incorporate a clueless character

Use conflicts, tension, drama in dialogue

Have characters do something to show their character

Use a variety of POVs, shifting POV

Use what works for you

His works go through following levels of review and approval – Editor; Copy editor; Page Proofer; Proof Reader. And yet he said mistakes still come out the end.  He doesn’t go back to fix them.  See john@johngilstrap.com

RWG 08 August 2015 critique comments

RWG member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree

2.        Suggested reworking a sentence – agree, working – thanks

3.       Asked if statement that Amir would be safer in Israel was serious or sarcastic - sarcastic

4.       Good foreshadowing of terror and follow through; well written – thanks

5.       Suggested rewording “a puzzled look saying” – agree, working

6.       Suggested replace (handgun) magazine with clips – disagree, correct terminology

RWG member –

1.       Asked how many were in first dialogue - three

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Dialogue better - thanks

4.       Questioned if technology of tracking phone was known to all (2005) – yes, working

5.       Liked dialogue about Emergency Team response and results – thanks

6.       Questioned whether several sections were foreshadowing – Yes.

RWG member –

1.       Liked story – thanks

2.       Is Tooley O’Toole – yes

3.       Suggested several sentences too formal – agree, disagree

4.       Many minor editorial changes – agree, working

5.       Suggested remove some military jargon – disagree; genre interest area

6.       Suggested change “planes” to “birds” – disagree; in military “bird’ is a missile

7.       Remove “standard brevity code …” – agree, working

8.       Liked description of rules for eating - thanks

RWG member –

1.       Excellent rhyme and dialogue – thanks

2.       Loved the secrecy – thanks

3.       Much improved - thanks

4.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

5.       Vivid, excellent – thanks

6.       Suggested reordering two sentences – agree, working

7.       Whole lot of interesting things; you’ve got a novel here – thanks

8.       1000 miles from last year’s effort – thanks

9.       Dialogue getting better and better – thanks

10.   Liked Tooley eating and analyzing the water truck - thanks

RWG member -

1.       Is a fine piece, much improved - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Suggested spelling Bedouin fully – disagree; common usage in Arabia is bedu

4.       Questioned removal of underling – disagree; needed as speaker’s emphasis

5.       Questioned use of “standard brevity code …” – agree, working

6.       Characters we care about – thanks

7.       Some technical data not needed – agree, working

8.       Liked Tooley analyzing the trucks tires while eating - thanks

RWG member –

1.       Very good, enjoyed – thanks

2.       Change “playing coy” to show, not tell – agree, working

3.       Change “measured alarm on his face” to show, not tell – agree, working

4.       Change “words were clear, directive” to show, not tell – agree, working

5.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

6.       Good use of foreshadowing, underlying tension  - thanks

7.       Suggested change of several words – agree, working

RWG member –

1.       Good scene with intruder - thanks

2.       Liked dialogue  – thanks

3.       A bit technical – working

4.       Liked description of fighter pilots - thanks

5.       Change awkward sentence about “we can track his phone” – agree, working

BLOG POST 157

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 157

Process – Am reading Michael Shaara’s  The Killer Angels.  It is athe story of the Civil War Battle of Gettysburg, turning point of that war.

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total pages down to 168; total word count remains 92K, and percent is 43 percent. I continue to work several review segments simultaneously to maintain momentum.

Occasionally even a critique group suffers from the behavior of its members. One member brought in a segment written by spouse, which could be interpreted as criticism of some students in school. The body language of the member who brought and read the segment changed noticeably, and negatively as another member criticized not only the content but intentions of the writer. In my mind that was unprofessional and made the critique personal.

That critique, if one can call it that, seemed a rant to me.  The criticizer, a retired teacher with many years of teaching, took personal offense at words which described some teachers as mere baby sitters, who pass along failing students.

BAM 03 August 2015 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree

2.        Suggested reworking a sentence – agree, working – thanks

3.       Asked if statement that Amir would be safer in Israel was serious or sarcastic - sarcastic

4.       Good foreshadowing of terror and follow through; well written – thanks

5.       Suggested rewording “a puzzled look saying” – agree, working

6.       Suggested replace (handgun) magazine with clips – disagree, correct terminology

7.       What is a Salukhi – indigenous, wolf like Arabian dog

8.       Suggested rewording several paragraphs for flow – agree, working

9.       Good tension - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Liked interaction between characters, less technical matter – thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Suggested describing earth sheltered home agree, working

4.       Suggested moving one sentence to start of paragraph – agree, working

5.       Good conversation between the women – thanks

6.       Good intruder detail, very intense; seemed real – thanks

7.       Suggested rewording one sentence – agree, working

8.       Good way to defuse the intensity of intruder – thanks

9.       Good read; believable parent reactions - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Good dialogue – thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree and disagree; working

3.       Good on security alarm, siren and Intruder announcement - thanks

4.       Suggested identifying speakers in dialogue – agree, working

5.       Probably no Taser in Safe Room; would be place for deadly weapon(s)

6.       Good imagery of cubs in safe room – thanks

7.       Questioned whether youngsters would imagine heroic responses while in safe room – agree, working

8.       Liked use of “They’re humping” – thanks

9.       Good writing, some tension, suspense and humor – thanks

10.   Good ending – thanks

11.   Want to turn to next page - thanks   

BAM member –

1.       Great addition - thanks

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Show, don’t tell about earth-sheltered home – agree, working

4.       Questioned whether Fadia was at home – was, is (briefly)

5.       Great resolution to intruder – thanks

6.       Suggested make thoughts into stated words (didn’t feel right) – agree, working

7.       Loved scene getting into safe room - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Great imagery – thanks

2.       Loved the secrecy – thanks

3.       Suggested replacing “M&M” with “the boys” - disagree

4.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

5.       Reference to “kicking dementors’ ass” was great – thanks

6.       I can see it in my mind’s eye – thanks

7.       How is Fadia backup if she can use a Taser – disagree; she’s backup (last ditch)

8.       Questioned who is Allat – Ubaidi family pet Salukhi

9.       I understood this chapter easily; great writing – thanks

BAM member -

1.       Liked references to Harry Potter - thanks

2.       Really enjoyed Fadia - thanks

3.       Enjoyed stray dog being the intruder - thanks

4.       I enjoyed this part very much; can’t wait to read more – thanks

5.       Was waiting for someone to come in with dog (intruder)

6.       Separate use of cutting apples and peeling oranges – agree, working

7.       Great, funny, loved it - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Questioned why families were in a bomb shelter (earth sheltered home) – it was home

2.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.       Questioned if Saudi military had in-fighting – yes, as do all organizations

4.       Questioned use of American slang by an American

5.       Questioned Ashrah (ten in Arabic) - is a military unit, not a person

6.       Wonderful juxtaposition of terror amid the everyday – thanks

7.       Suggested “”We’ve got your back” in lieu of “You’re our backup” – disagree; doesn’t fit

8.       Your best writing is on this page (4); I liked a lot – thanks

9.       Suggested changing character’s words become thoughts – working

10.   Done so beautifully; good story - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Fun, and suspenseful (Guns and dogs) - thanks

2.       Suggested organize first paragraph better; describe home – agree, working

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

4.       Good mix of high and low, fear and dogs - thanks

5.       Questioned wording of whether Munirah said Fadia was - working

BAM member –

1.       Good scene with intruder - thanks

2.       Liked women’s’ conversation; made sense and credible - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Chapter in a book? - mainly

2.       Enjoyed the humor – thanks

3.       Fun to read; enjoyed – thanks

4.       Want to read more - thanks