My latest project to get outside critiques involves a friend of years – I hope this relationship doesn’t jeopardize honest feedback. My approach, given that he had read and casually reviewed Golden Gate in its entirety, was this. I asked him to read a segment that had just been reviewed and critiqued by the RWG, give him my summation of their comments and their markups of the segment, and then review the rewritten segment. I expect his critique will not be as thorough as that of RWG members, nor as critical because his review of documents is not of the intensity or focus level that RWG members put into such reviews.

Critiques are from members of RWG following reading of 3/21/11.

A RWG member provided some helpful marketing information. Amazon.com has a self-publishing entity, and they do the marketing and other e-publishing business action. They provide seventy percent as royalties, vice thirty percent for paper publication. His book has a moderate ranking among 810,000 ebooks available from Amazon. One becomes an “Amazon associate” in this business arrangement. Amazon also optionally provides the use of “widgets” to foster more sales and publicity. These widgets are inserted in one’s blog or website. I noted that my book isn’t ready for sales, but hopefully in a year.

In reading the segment to be reviewed I noted pen and ink corrections into copies that the RWG members would see, and expansion by about 700 words based on prior comments.

In response to my question, no RWG members attended the luncheon and talk by Cathy Reichs, author of the books on which the TV series “Bones” is based during last weekends’ Charlottesville, VA Festival of the Book.

Readings were: “Out of the depths”, a 1,000 word short suspense story (Flash Fiction) on a planned, but unsuccessful suicide at a quarry; the continuation of member’s novel … “Tangled Web”; a repeat, prize winning poem, the Selina Cox Eshleman Memorial Award of the Pennsylvania Poetry Society; a short story, “A family bonded” about ARC, (formerly) The Association of Retarded Citizens; the continuation of a member’s novel on Hannah Fork, love and history, the battle of Culloden and Bonnie Prince Charley; and my reading from Golden Gate ©.

Few supportive comments were received; most were direct and critical. See below:

*  Your descriptions are beautiful, But (story needs action)

*  I liked “”the snows depart for their rest in the mountain tops”; good descriptive writing

*   Nice imagery in paragraph on ship straining at anchor cables  

Inputs on fifth revision, see below, are in the process of inclusion via major rewrite.

***

            Does The Laws of the Navy (out of time with story), fit –

            Be consistent with capital L of Legion(s) –

Minor editorial suggestions –

Reading is tedious, show … not tell –

Page 6 first paragraph – too much telling – need action, doing, fighting

            Even on the ship impose, show hardship -

***

            No markups

            Lots of telling, need showing –

            (I get) no sense of characters; don’t see a difference between Marcus and Shama –

            To much preaching to Shama –

            On page two, (need a sense of) how much further, how long at sea, on land –

            (Consider adding) timing -

***

            The Laws of the Navy might be better as a forward to ??? –

            Change “of sailors lost “to the depths’” to “in the depths”

            Change “Red skies” to “Red skies in the morning” –

            Change “I long for the voyage’s end” to “for an end to the voyage” –

            Suggested identifying the sources of the waters in fountain (page 3) –

            What happened in Massillia? (ensure consistent spelling) -

            Consider rewording third paragraph of page six –

            Where is this taking us? Too repetitive, too much giving of advise or learning of

new things  –

            Nothing is compelling, story-wise, to justify – putting characters in peril, a battle

            Condense or shorten (and add intense action) –

***

            Questioned use of “pirates long gone but not forgotten” -

            Suggested deleting The Laws of the Navy as not from this period –

Minor editorial suggestions –

Consider reducing use of metaphors “Pirates gone but not forgotten” –

Page four, first paragraph –

Consider deleting use of sub-paragraph titles -

***

            Questioned use of The Laws of the Navy –

            Inserted a horizontal line before “The capital of the Empire -

            Suggested less use of Shama –

            Show, don’t tell –

            Page three, third paragraph from end – fix quotation errors -

***

            Questioned whether The Laws of the Navy fits –

            My feeling for this story, after weeks of reading, is one of an endless series of

journeys – I miss the “peaks and valleys” a story needs to whet the

reader’s interest and keep one reading. We need more action to stay

involved and care about the characters

            Minor editorial suggestions -

            Suggested deleting – “He walked to the fort …” -

            In first paragraph of “Long marches ahead” suggested description needs action –

            Need action which rises to a climax –

            Make Marcus more real -

***

            So many metaphors in “Of sea serpents” my mind did not follow what was

actually said -

            Thought odd use of “rocks moved sensuously near with …” –

            Minor editorial suggestions -

            At bottom of page three, Is this the beginning? I feel like I’m missing a lot of

history and don’t know what’s going on -     

            (Words make) First sentence of “Another voyage” sound short, then long -

            The dialogue sounds like a self-appointed wise man lecturing. Hard to describe

better (approach) but it’s odd to me. Does anyone talk to these characters?

Seems almost everything spoken is from Marcus to Shama, rather than an

exchange dialogue that illustrates who the characters really are. They

don’t stand out. Doesn’t catch my interest! –

            Too many descriptions –

            (Show) what are the characters and why – what motivates them

            Check examples from Stephen King’s novels, “The Dome” and “Needful Things”

as examples of rapid development, description of characters

            Need interactive characters, stronger sense of their beings –

            Too much a feeling of “I’m here, I have a lesson for you” -

***

            No markups provided –

            Confused about whom Shama was with, but then going to war –

            Sounds like Shama didn’t know where his (father’s) family was buried -

            Description of the home seemed stilted, needs warmth –

            Include less of the journey, only glimpses at spots –

            Show more characters, how they grow, why and how they fought -

Several thoughts came to mind; even as I read I could sense that my words were too narrative. This increased the anxiety level, but no – suicide was not a thought. The critiques were strangely therapeutic, reflecting that I’d missed the mark entirely. I was telling a tale, a story, rather than letting the characters do it. I need to regroup, do a major rewrite. Will designate that effort as REV G, and hope for the best. This will take weeks, a delay that is acceptable.

Metaphors to consider - Gutted and hung out to dry ... Kicked in the balls … Handed my walking papers … Given the boot … Shown the door … DOLETHDOHIYOONTHWAOU (Don’t Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out).