Critiques are from members of RWG following reading at Borders 3/14/11.

I noted to the group that the setting was the time of the Romans advance into Arabia, about the 3^rd century, and that we were reviewing a segment in chapter six of thirty-six chapters of the novel, with a jump of roughly eighteen centuries still coming. I was informed me that the RWG’s anthology does have an ISBN. I shared with a fellow member that while I removed identities of those critiquing, I put summaries of each review in this blog.

Generally supportive comments were received:

(The wording) puts us in the times; am enjoying the story

I liked the part on the storm and seasickness

Good story; good idea to use two generations in story together

I liked “pulling up the stones that held them safe; liked “a dust so fine you could taste it”

Inputs, see below, are in the process of being incorporated:

Suggested use “sick”, vice “very, very sick” – in process

Minor editorial suggestions – in process

In last sub-paragraph of “Bitter root”, suggested different dash – in process

Suggested checking use of dashes and ellipses in style manual – in process

Suggested rewording to first sentence, last paragraph of “Longing to die” – in process                       

Too many exclamations used, makes story appear amateurish – in process

Too much “told” as narrative, in third person – in process        

Minor editorial suggestions – in process

Redundant word usage at end of second paragraph sixth chapter  – in process           

Tell where Amrah bought the mishwaks – in process

Consider word choice in use of dagger and crumpled – in process

Tell “who” agreed to sail to Injiah – in process

May be excessive use of “rock” – in process

Question a “chirp” by an egret; a squawk perhaps – in process

Change “He gleamed” – beamed perhaps – in process

At bottom of page two, expand “after capture of men.” Change from narrative to

explain “how it happened” – in process

Incorporate risk, tension or lose reader interest – in process

On page five, explain why they (bedus) traveled to red rock city – in process

Suggested water “spout”, vice funnel – in process

Suggested word changes in next to last sub-paragraph “The storm gods” – in process

“Show me” in actions, dialogue, vice tell me (as narrative) – in process

Questioned use of “chirp” by an egret – in process

Suggested use “beamed” vice “gleamed” in terms of pregnancy  – in process

Consider rewording or deleting “lest we perish” – in process

Tell about her capture and action after escape – in process

Explain why they visited Caesarea – in process

Suggested use “spout” vice “funnel” – in process

Show what happened along the way – in process

Add more on the boys Gilgash and Shamar) growing up – in process

Agreeing with others, incorporate more showing vice third person – in process

Revisit use of pronouns to reduce uncertainty who is subject – in process

Something about editorials – in process

Minor editorial suggestions – in process

Reduce usage of exclamations Minor editorial suggestions – in process

Suggested use of italics at end of second paragraph chapter six – in process

Suggested expand dramatic scene of Amrah’s capture – in process

Suggested change “crumpled” to other words … slumped – in process

Suggested change “sick” to “ill” last paragraph of “Danger surrounds” – in process

Suggested wording change to first sentence seventh chapter – in process

Reduce repetition use of Rome – in process

Consider reducing use of “rock” and “offerings” – in process

Revisit; sounds too much like synopsis – in process

Show, not tell – in process

Minor editorial suggestions – in process

Reduce repetitive word selection – in process

Incorporate more action – “Amrah was taken hostage”  in process

Show more on how Amrah was saved (vice she was saved) – in process

Correct last incomplete sentence in last sentence, second paragraph of “The boys” - in

process

Suggested word changes in second sentence, first paragraph of “Longing to die” in

process

Correct pagination of copies provided – in process

On page three revisit “pursuing the spices” and next sentence; they don’t fit together  – in

process

Change “water funnel” to “water spout”  – in process

I’d drop if just saw this – in process

Incorporate action, change (too narrative) – in process

The suggestions above entail a major rework of this, and succeeding segments of Golden Gate ©.

Readings were provided by myself; RWG member (continuation of 300 plus page novel); RWG member – 1,000 word short suspense story; RWG member – 240 word “Sparrow, Evolution, and God”; RWG member – continuation of his novel, “Tangled Web”; and RWG member – email scam “That’s what friends are for.”

I found some of the mistakes I was called out on also appeared (though far less prominently) in the words of the others readings.

Take aways (Lessons Learned) –

1)      In the storyline – emphasize characters, action and their thoughts – make these

all believable

2)      Ensure action just not jump abruptly

3)      Ensure no superfluous words or repetitive use of words

4)      Inject recollections as a surprise element … “Oh, yes … didn’t we …”

5)      Only very selectively use stream of consciousness in narrative or dialogue

                       

As a general observation, in the previous critique to a reading (see yesterdays’ post below) I felt very uncertain, even nervous as I finished reading that segment. The response to it was enlightening, very encouraging in the extreme. This time the response was very critical, almost unnerving and perhaps a bit discouraging. One RWG published author even termed the segment “amateurish.” I take this as a mainly positive sign, that … if I learn from the comments and adjust to them … the final product will be much better. Cross my fingers …

As a side note, years ago as a Masters project at Mary Washington College (now University of Mary Washington) I authored a lengthy research paper, “Passages of Josephus, Liverpool to Boston, 2 May – 7 June 1853.”  The paper describes the shipyard, in Kennebunk, ME, where the ship Josephus was built in 1850, identifies the craftsmen who built it, details its construction, launch and first several voyages. Additionally the paper identifies the cargo, crew, and passengers on the Josephus as Josephus sailed to Boston. My paternal grandfather, Wm. Joseph Rowe, was born on Josephus as his parents sailed from Liverpool to Boston in 1853.

I recently received a phone call from the head Naval and Maritime History Specialist at the Library of Congress, acknowledging receipt of a copy of the paper. She indicated the paper was being listed in the vertical files and holdings of the LOC Local History and Genealogy Room. She recommended contacting the Director of the Maine Maritime Museum in Bath, ME and sending a copy of the paper for their reference files.