Here is a summary of critiques from RWG members following reading at Borders café 3/07/11. Reading was of segment of REV F, Golden Gate ©.

Group was told that the setting was the time of the Romans advance into Arabia, about the 3^rd century. Also noted that previous review comments were mostly incorporated. The suggested change for names for Amir and Amrah were rejected, however, due to meanings of the names (Prince and Princess). As background it was noted that I’ve seen (and eaten) camel in their native environment.

Inputs on fifth revision, see below, have been incorporated.

Generally supportive comments were received. Samples are noted below:

Liked the story’s parallels between Roman soldiers and bedus – (battle

preparations, spirituality, and the jinn (respective prayers to gods).

Liked interaction of camels with jinn

Liked details of Marcus’ wounds and comparison with enemy

            Well written, very descriptive detail; liked the detailed descriptions of desert,

bedus

            Good vision about Roman battle tactics

            Great description of Marcus’ sandals and wounds

Reviewer one -

            Suggested reduced use of rhetorical questions at ends of paragraphs – revised

            Suggested rewording last sentence of third paragraph – done

            Suggested revising “battle, or battles” to refer to just one – done

            Suggested revising sentence where Marcus prayed to Mars – done

            Minor editorial suggestions – done

Reviewer two -

            The rhetorical questions (used to create anticipation for following portions) may

be overused. They may lose their impact if this technique is used too

often – revised

            Minor editorial suggestions – done

            Asked why Marcus questioned source of his wounds – reject relevant to training

            Suggested paragraph on Romans carrying daggers as interrupting tension from

paragraph before – revised

            Suggested reducing redundancy of Marcus’ review of battle plan - done

Suggested revising reference to “water pipes” – done

            Is this fiction or factual? Concerned that scenes and characters were too real.

Others countered that they were thus more believable – reject

            Minor editorial suggestions – done

            Suggested revisions to take rhetorical questions at ends of paragraphs – done

Reviewer three -

            Reduce repetition of “blunt” in first paragraph – done

Reviewer four - 

            Questioned whether Bedouin should be used rather than bedu. I noted that bedu is

slang, vernacular – reject

            Minor editorial suggestions – done

            Reduce use of “blunt” in first paragraph  – done

            In third paragraph revise awkward ending, “to not anger” – done

            Asked why need of rhetorical questions at ends of paragraphs – revised

            Suggested removing “sword-to-sword” – done

            Asked about what “lest any surprise occur” does for story – revised

            Asked who Amrah was – reject covered in prior reading

            Consider revising end of final paragraph of reading  – done

Reviewer five -

            Questioned discussion of description of camels sensing jinn – done

            Suggested reducing use of “or” in preparations paragraph – done

            Suggested rewording “this deadly sport” – done warrior mentality

            Questioned use of Midian – reject provides setting reference

            Suggested revisions to take rhetorical questions at ends of paragraphs – done

            Noted use of “darkness might capture their souls” and “effects of spirit water

–        reject first; revised second

Consider revising end of final paragraph of reading  – done

Reviewer six -

            Suggested reading sci-fi novel “Dune” which has bedus on another planet – reject

                        (not relevant to this novel)