A Yahoo News article of interest recently caught my eye. It was about marketing of e-books and indicates the trend of ebooks becoming a more dominant force in book sales. The articles were about Amanda Hocking, a twenty something writer of paranormal romance novels. I Googled her and found lots more; see her blog and a link on the blog to a NY Times article about her success. She signed a seven-digit deal with St. Martin’s Press for four novels in her Watersong series. Hope exists, if I can rewrite Golden Gate.

http://amandahocking.blogspot.com/  and  http://mediadecoder.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/03/24/self-publisher-signs-four-book-deal-with-macmillan/

Have gone through a mark-up of the entire novel, and will need to start back through it, with improved characterization, action, and dialogue. The Monday RWG readings at our local Borders are out until I get the rewrite in hand. Wish me luck.

My latest project to get outside critiques involves a friend of years – I hope this relationship doesn’t jeopardize honest feedback. My approach, given that he had read and casually reviewed Golden Gate in its entirety, was this. I asked him to read a segment that had just been reviewed and critiqued by the RWG, give him my summation of their comments and their markups of the segment, and then review the rewritten segment. I expect his critique will not be as thorough as that of RWG members, nor as critical because his review of documents is not of the intensity or focus level that RWG members put into such reviews.

Critiques are from members of RWG following reading of 3/21/11.

A RWG member provided some helpful marketing information. Amazon.com has a self-publishing entity, and they do the marketing and other e-publishing business action. They provide seventy percent as royalties, vice thirty percent for paper publication. His book has a moderate ranking among 810,000 ebooks available from Amazon. One becomes an “Amazon associate” in this business arrangement. Amazon also optionally provides the use of “widgets” to foster more sales and publicity. These widgets are inserted in one’s blog or website. I noted that my book isn’t ready for sales, but hopefully in a year.

In reading the segment to be reviewed I noted pen and ink corrections into copies that the RWG members would see, and expansion by about 700 words based on prior comments.

In response to my question, no RWG members attended the luncheon and talk by Cathy Reichs, author of the books on which the TV series “Bones” is based during last weekends’ Charlottesville, VA Festival of the Book.

Readings were: “Out of the depths”, a 1,000 word short suspense story (Flash Fiction) on a planned, but unsuccessful suicide at a quarry; the continuation of member’s novel … “Tangled Web”; a repeat, prize winning poem, the Selina Cox Eshleman Memorial Award of the Pennsylvania Poetry Society; a short story, “A family bonded” about ARC, (formerly) The Association of Retarded Citizens; the continuation of a member’s novel on Hannah Fork, love and history, the battle of Culloden and Bonnie Prince Charley; and my reading from Golden Gate ©.

Few supportive comments were received; most were direct and critical. See below:

*  Your descriptions are beautiful, But (story needs action)

*  I liked “”the snows depart for their rest in the mountain tops”; good descriptive writing

*   Nice imagery in paragraph on ship straining at anchor cables  

Inputs on fifth revision, see below, are in the process of inclusion via major rewrite.

***

            Does The Laws of the Navy (out of time with story), fit –

            Be consistent with capital L of Legion(s) –

Minor editorial suggestions –

Reading is tedious, show … not tell –

Page 6 first paragraph – too much telling – need action, doing, fighting

            Even on the ship impose, show hardship -

***

            No markups

            Lots of telling, need showing –

            (I get) no sense of characters; don’t see a difference between Marcus and Shama –

            To much preaching to Shama –

            On page two, (need a sense of) how much further, how long at sea, on land –

            (Consider adding) timing -

***

            The Laws of the Navy might be better as a forward to ??? –

            Change “of sailors lost “to the depths’” to “in the depths”

            Change “Red skies” to “Red skies in the morning” –

            Change “I long for the voyage’s end” to “for an end to the voyage” –

            Suggested identifying the sources of the waters in fountain (page 3) –

            What happened in Massillia? (ensure consistent spelling) -

            Consider rewording third paragraph of page six –

            Where is this taking us? Too repetitive, too much giving of advise or learning of

new things  –

            Nothing is compelling, story-wise, to justify – putting characters in peril, a battle

            Condense or shorten (and add intense action) –

***

            Questioned use of “pirates long gone but not forgotten” -

            Suggested deleting The Laws of the Navy as not from this period –

Minor editorial suggestions –

Consider reducing use of metaphors “Pirates gone but not forgotten” –

Page four, first paragraph –

Consider deleting use of sub-paragraph titles -

***

            Questioned use of The Laws of the Navy –

            Inserted a horizontal line before “The capital of the Empire -

            Suggested less use of Shama –

            Show, don’t tell –

            Page three, third paragraph from end – fix quotation errors -

***

            Questioned whether The Laws of the Navy fits –

            My feeling for this story, after weeks of reading, is one of an endless series of

journeys – I miss the “peaks and valleys” a story needs to whet the

reader’s interest and keep one reading. We need more action to stay

involved and care about the characters

            Minor editorial suggestions -

            Suggested deleting – “He walked to the fort …” -

            In first paragraph of “Long marches ahead” suggested description needs action –

            Need action which rises to a climax –

            Make Marcus more real -

***

            So many metaphors in “Of sea serpents” my mind did not follow what was

actually said -

            Thought odd use of “rocks moved sensuously near with …” –

            Minor editorial suggestions -

            At bottom of page three, Is this the beginning? I feel like I’m missing a lot of

history and don’t know what’s going on -     

            (Words make) First sentence of “Another voyage” sound short, then long -

            The dialogue sounds like a self-appointed wise man lecturing. Hard to describe

better (approach) but it’s odd to me. Does anyone talk to these characters?

Seems almost everything spoken is from Marcus to Shama, rather than an

exchange dialogue that illustrates who the characters really are. They

don’t stand out. Doesn’t catch my interest! –

            Too many descriptions –

            (Show) what are the characters and why – what motivates them

            Check examples from Stephen King’s novels, “The Dome” and “Needful Things”

as examples of rapid development, description of characters

            Need interactive characters, stronger sense of their beings –

            Too much a feeling of “I’m here, I have a lesson for you” -

***

            No markups provided –

            Confused about whom Shama was with, but then going to war –

            Sounds like Shama didn’t know where his (father’s) family was buried -

            Description of the home seemed stilted, needs warmth –

            Include less of the journey, only glimpses at spots –

            Show more characters, how they grow, why and how they fought -

Several thoughts came to mind; even as I read I could sense that my words were too narrative. This increased the anxiety level, but no – suicide was not a thought. The critiques were strangely therapeutic, reflecting that I’d missed the mark entirely. I was telling a tale, a story, rather than letting the characters do it. I need to regroup, do a major rewrite. Will designate that effort as REV G, and hope for the best. This will take weeks, a delay that is acceptable.

Metaphors to consider - Gutted and hung out to dry ... Kicked in the balls … Handed my walking papers … Given the boot … Shown the door … DOLETHDOHIYOONTHWAOU (Don’t Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out).

Critiques are from members of RWG following reading at Borders 3/14/11.

I noted to the group that the setting was the time of the Romans advance into Arabia, about the 3^rd century, and that we were reviewing a segment in chapter six of thirty-six chapters of the novel, with a jump of roughly eighteen centuries still coming. I was informed me that the RWG’s anthology does have an ISBN. I shared with a fellow member that while I removed identities of those critiquing, I put summaries of each review in this blog.

Generally supportive comments were received:

(The wording) puts us in the times; am enjoying the story

I liked the part on the storm and seasickness

Good story; good idea to use two generations in story together

I liked “pulling up the stones that held them safe; liked “a dust so fine you could taste it”

Inputs, see below, are in the process of being incorporated:

Suggested use “sick”, vice “very, very sick” – in process

Minor editorial suggestions – in process

In last sub-paragraph of “Bitter root”, suggested different dash – in process

Suggested checking use of dashes and ellipses in style manual – in process

Suggested rewording to first sentence, last paragraph of “Longing to die” – in process                       

Too many exclamations used, makes story appear amateurish – in process

Too much “told” as narrative, in third person – in process        

Minor editorial suggestions – in process

Redundant word usage at end of second paragraph sixth chapter  – in process           

Tell where Amrah bought the mishwaks – in process

Consider word choice in use of dagger and crumpled – in process

Tell “who” agreed to sail to Injiah – in process

May be excessive use of “rock” – in process

Question a “chirp” by an egret; a squawk perhaps – in process

Change “He gleamed” – beamed perhaps – in process

At bottom of page two, expand “after capture of men.” Change from narrative to

explain “how it happened” – in process

Incorporate risk, tension or lose reader interest – in process

On page five, explain why they (bedus) traveled to red rock city – in process

Suggested water “spout”, vice funnel – in process

Suggested word changes in next to last sub-paragraph “The storm gods” – in process

“Show me” in actions, dialogue, vice tell me (as narrative) – in process

Questioned use of “chirp” by an egret – in process

Suggested use “beamed” vice “gleamed” in terms of pregnancy  – in process

Consider rewording or deleting “lest we perish” – in process

Tell about her capture and action after escape – in process

Explain why they visited Caesarea – in process

Suggested use “spout” vice “funnel” – in process

Show what happened along the way – in process

Add more on the boys Gilgash and Shamar) growing up – in process

Agreeing with others, incorporate more showing vice third person – in process

Revisit use of pronouns to reduce uncertainty who is subject – in process

Something about editorials – in process

Minor editorial suggestions – in process

Reduce usage of exclamations Minor editorial suggestions – in process

Suggested use of italics at end of second paragraph chapter six – in process

Suggested expand dramatic scene of Amrah’s capture – in process

Suggested change “crumpled” to other words … slumped – in process

Suggested change “sick” to “ill” last paragraph of “Danger surrounds” – in process

Suggested wording change to first sentence seventh chapter – in process

Reduce repetition use of Rome – in process

Consider reducing use of “rock” and “offerings” – in process

Revisit; sounds too much like synopsis – in process

Show, not tell – in process

Minor editorial suggestions – in process

Reduce repetitive word selection – in process

Incorporate more action – “Amrah was taken hostage”  in process

Show more on how Amrah was saved (vice she was saved) – in process

Correct last incomplete sentence in last sentence, second paragraph of “The boys” - in

process

Suggested word changes in second sentence, first paragraph of “Longing to die” in

process

Correct pagination of copies provided – in process

On page three revisit “pursuing the spices” and next sentence; they don’t fit together  – in

process

Change “water funnel” to “water spout”  – in process

I’d drop if just saw this – in process

Incorporate action, change (too narrative) – in process

The suggestions above entail a major rework of this, and succeeding segments of Golden Gate ©.

Readings were provided by myself; RWG member (continuation of 300 plus page novel); RWG member – 1,000 word short suspense story; RWG member – 240 word “Sparrow, Evolution, and God”; RWG member – continuation of his novel, “Tangled Web”; and RWG member – email scam “That’s what friends are for.”

I found some of the mistakes I was called out on also appeared (though far less prominently) in the words of the others readings.

Take aways (Lessons Learned) –

1)      In the storyline – emphasize characters, action and their thoughts – make these

all believable

2)      Ensure action just not jump abruptly

3)      Ensure no superfluous words or repetitive use of words

4)      Inject recollections as a surprise element … “Oh, yes … didn’t we …”

5)      Only very selectively use stream of consciousness in narrative or dialogue

                       

As a general observation, in the previous critique to a reading (see yesterdays’ post below) I felt very uncertain, even nervous as I finished reading that segment. The response to it was enlightening, very encouraging in the extreme. This time the response was very critical, almost unnerving and perhaps a bit discouraging. One RWG published author even termed the segment “amateurish.” I take this as a mainly positive sign, that … if I learn from the comments and adjust to them … the final product will be much better. Cross my fingers …

As a side note, years ago as a Masters project at Mary Washington College (now University of Mary Washington) I authored a lengthy research paper, “Passages of Josephus, Liverpool to Boston, 2 May – 7 June 1853.”  The paper describes the shipyard, in Kennebunk, ME, where the ship Josephus was built in 1850, identifies the craftsmen who built it, details its construction, launch and first several voyages. Additionally the paper identifies the cargo, crew, and passengers on the Josephus as Josephus sailed to Boston. My paternal grandfather, Wm. Joseph Rowe, was born on Josephus as his parents sailed from Liverpool to Boston in 1853.

I recently received a phone call from the head Naval and Maritime History Specialist at the Library of Congress, acknowledging receipt of a copy of the paper. She indicated the paper was being listed in the vertical files and holdings of the LOC Local History and Genealogy Room. She recommended contacting the Director of the Maine Maritime Museum in Bath, ME and sending a copy of the paper for their reference files.

Critiques are from members of RWG provided following reading at CRRL 3/12/11.

I noted to the group that the setting was the time of the Romans advance into Arabia, about the 3^rd century, and that we were roughly one eighth of way through the novel, with a jump of roughly eighteen centuries coming. When asked how this was written I said we’d see, and asked for review and help there. I explained that the Ubaidi trade civilization predated even the Sumerians in its control of trade between India and Mesopotamia

Generally supportive comments were received, noted below:

           

Surprising how good this is! I’m fascinated with the story. (Things learned by a

tent) – surprisingly insightful version of a woman’s point of view.

           

Beautiful! It’s wonderful; it sounds like poetry. The story is woven with Tenderness. I enjoyed the references to spirituality, especially of natural       things. Insightful, sensitive. (the start) seems to escape time and set the time. Wow! This Is Beautiful. You really bring us into the dimensions of their culture. Amazing. There is a very tender rhythm you write with; it’s poetic! It moves the content of your story forward exquisitely.

I liked the writing.

             

I liked reading it.

Gives a very good sense of the times .... Very nice – so like the philosophy of Native

consciousness (in every flower is God).

Interesting from the start; good on character insights… I’m interested in where this

couple go in their lives. Filled with scent and taste – tasteful. Extraordinarily

realistic concepts. Intriguing philosophy.

Inputs on fifth revision, see below, are being considered for incorporation.

Why wouldn’t Amrah know of these bargaining methods, the roots? – reject - bedus

don’t go to all souqs or meet/see all elders possessing wisdom of ages

            Minor editorial suggestions – done

            Seemed uncertain of the setting – reject in the wording

            Liked reference to red rock city – I noted that it is Petra (in Jordan) – no change

            Minor editorial suggestions – done

            Needs footnotes or glossary – glossary in process

Minor editorial suggestions – done

I do wonder why you chose to use the “one” construction (as too passive) – done

            Considered “The scents of cinnamon …”  redundant – reject

            Need to explain unfamiliar words – glossary in process

Minor editorial, punctuation suggestions – done

            Where does this story take place – reject in the wording

            Didn’t understand sub-paragraph titling (may break up train of thought) – reject

author’s style, and a hook mechanism

            Minor editorial, punctuation suggestions – done

            Not sure how transition to current days will happen – will see when we get there –

help with that transition will be solicited

Thought use of the “one” too passive, too impersonal – revised

Performed an extremely unreliable word count on Kashan Kashmeeri © stands at 26,489 at a very early stage … but at least the rudimentary characters and storyline are there. Hope exists! Word count for Sooley Base ©stands at 27,260, while that for TNO © stands at just 11,504.

Spent yesterday at CRRL doing volunteer work. There were few, but exceptionally fascinating patrons/customers. Two are distant of the local Rowe family, though I have no known connection to them. One shared some bits about DNA family research into his family. He mentioned that the results put him in Block 30 of some genealogical groupings, which helped him identify ties to the brother (Isaac) of his paternal great, great grandfather. While this aspect of family research is fascinating, the focus of DNA in Sooley Base © will revolve (initially) around the potential for analysis of congenital weaknesses and actions to facilitate medical benefits. Familial DNA is now being used to identify culprits in some criminal cases, and the use in paternity cases is evident.

Two days ago Japan was hit with an 8.9 Richter scale earthquake and subsequent tsunamis. Horrific damage is still being identified, but the potential for a real nuclear disaster still exists, as two power plants have had cooling to their reactors interrupted. A meltdown of two nuclear reactors is possible, but unlikely. Will have to revisit the terms (improbable, possible, unlikely, likely, probable, et cetera) describing potential catastrophic effects from Weapons Systems Explosive Safety Review Board (WSESRB) Safety program reviews, as they will fit topically in several novels. All this because the gods wanted to alter the table settings of their tectonic plates …

Continuing to work on re-chapterization of Sooley Base ©. The RWG monthly meeting is this afternoon, and a five page, 1.5-spaced segment printed to take for reading and critical review. I have a question to ask of any prose authors in the group, how do you manage “white space?”  White space in this context is the page areas without text at the end of a chapter, and has significance in deciding how to arrange chapter endings. It can affect the page count dramatically.

Monsoon winds sweep out of Africa and spread across Arabia from roughly June through September, and are of similar timeframe across the Indian Ocean and Asia proper. I just knew you were interested in that.

Sooley Base © is now arranged in four rough chapter groupings, 1 – 10, 11- 20, 21 – 30, and 31 – 40. A rough word count of the preliminary drafts came up with a count of 27, 260 words. This doesn’t account for the considerable effort needed to develop believable characters, move them to appropriate sections of the novel, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Developing believable interrelationships for these characters will be perhaps the biggest challenge. Sequencing the various related, but confrontational forces, organizations, and onlookers will also make that part of developing the story a real challenge. Additionally, numerous clips of background information needed to establish the various settings require rewriting to be suitable and fit in with the needed storyline flow.

As the most recent Blog posting noted, the RWG has Monday evening reading sessions at our local Borders ™ café. It was enlightening to again see the interplay of poetry, short stories, and Golden Gate ©, a novel. The RWG members themselves also are fascinating in their own right, providing ideas for characters … HMM!!!

Today’s chore is to again go through the novel and revise any segments where the RWG revisions suggested seem appropriate. A quick calculation as to the period required to completely go through Golden Gate © was made. There are monthly RWG meetings, and four monthly readings at Borders™ each month; each accommodates review of roughly three pages of the book. This means that every month roughly fifteen pages will be reviewed. This supports completing review of the book by years’ end. Hooray!

Our local Borders ™ is still alive and kicking, despite the corporate Chapter 11 Bankruptcy filing. Noticed that the layout as one enters the store is different. There is now a large, prominent e-book section. I grabbed one of the flyers announcing e-book offering and the electronic devices that are used for this up and coming method or reading. The flyers and advertising noted a free downloadable application (app). I just downloaded the app, along with some explanatory information. It should prove helpful in marketing The Tessera Trilogy © if I go with e-book format.

Here is a summary of critiques from RWG members following reading at Borders café 3/07/11. Reading was of segment of REV F, Golden Gate ©.

Group was told that the setting was the time of the Romans advance into Arabia, about the 3^rd century. Also noted that previous review comments were mostly incorporated. The suggested change for names for Amir and Amrah were rejected, however, due to meanings of the names (Prince and Princess). As background it was noted that I’ve seen (and eaten) camel in their native environment.

Inputs on fifth revision, see below, have been incorporated.

Generally supportive comments were received. Samples are noted below:

Liked the story’s parallels between Roman soldiers and bedus – (battle

preparations, spirituality, and the jinn (respective prayers to gods).

Liked interaction of camels with jinn

Liked details of Marcus’ wounds and comparison with enemy

            Well written, very descriptive detail; liked the detailed descriptions of desert,

bedus

            Good vision about Roman battle tactics

            Great description of Marcus’ sandals and wounds

Reviewer one -

            Suggested reduced use of rhetorical questions at ends of paragraphs – revised

            Suggested rewording last sentence of third paragraph – done

            Suggested revising “battle, or battles” to refer to just one – done

            Suggested revising sentence where Marcus prayed to Mars – done

            Minor editorial suggestions – done

Reviewer two -

            The rhetorical questions (used to create anticipation for following portions) may

be overused. They may lose their impact if this technique is used too

often – revised

            Minor editorial suggestions – done

            Asked why Marcus questioned source of his wounds – reject relevant to training

            Suggested paragraph on Romans carrying daggers as interrupting tension from

paragraph before – revised

            Suggested reducing redundancy of Marcus’ review of battle plan - done

Suggested revising reference to “water pipes” – done

            Is this fiction or factual? Concerned that scenes and characters were too real.

Others countered that they were thus more believable – reject

            Minor editorial suggestions – done

            Suggested revisions to take rhetorical questions at ends of paragraphs – done

Reviewer three -

            Reduce repetition of “blunt” in first paragraph – done

Reviewer four - 

            Questioned whether Bedouin should be used rather than bedu. I noted that bedu is

slang, vernacular – reject

            Minor editorial suggestions – done

            Reduce use of “blunt” in first paragraph  – done

            In third paragraph revise awkward ending, “to not anger” – done

            Asked why need of rhetorical questions at ends of paragraphs – revised

            Suggested removing “sword-to-sword” – done

            Asked about what “lest any surprise occur” does for story – revised

            Asked who Amrah was – reject covered in prior reading

            Consider revising end of final paragraph of reading  – done

Reviewer five -

            Questioned discussion of description of camels sensing jinn – done

            Suggested reducing use of “or” in preparations paragraph – done

            Suggested rewording “this deadly sport” – done warrior mentality

            Questioned use of Midian – reject provides setting reference

            Suggested revisions to take rhetorical questions at ends of paragraphs – done

            Noted use of “darkness might capture their souls” and “effects of spirit water

–        reject first; revised second

Consider revising end of final paragraph of reading  – done

Reviewer six -

            Suggested reading sci-fi novel “Dune” which has bedus on another planet – reject

                        (not relevant to this novel)

While on travel to San Antonio, TX was able to work on Sooley Base. One morning the thought of a quite different prime character approached. As the previous character wasn’t very believable in terms of his setting, I went with the new inspiration and changed his outlook and beliefs substantially. His skill with languages fit still, so that remained as before.

Crazy how I wake early in the morning and had characters from a book in mind as my eyes drifted around the room. We were in San Antonio for the US Army’s Dental Corps 100^th anniversary. There were FREE Continuing Education courses and a business lunch, plus a formal Ball. We abstained from several events, but spent hours walking through the downtown Riverwalk, with its elegant shops and restaurants. The Rio Taxi, through the shallow canals downtown, was a treat.