BLOG POST 183

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 183

Process – Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 213; total word count went down to to 100.8 K, and percent remained at 75.0 percent.

BAM 22 February 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Best description you’ve written, Great!  – thanks

2.      Good job, liked ‘red faced’ description - thanks

3.      Minor editorial changes – agree

4.      Liked description of glass breaking beneath boot – thanks

5.      Thought mention of ‘replacement aircraft’ unclear – disagree, previously addressed

6.      Suggested enhancing description of Nevatim base damage - agree

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – disagree and agree

2.      (Your) writing getting better – thanks

3.      Liked your female character Rebeka - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Good detail of what is going on, detailed descriptions –thanks

2.      Should you refer to War of 1973 (Yom Kippur) vice 1967 – disagree; Tooley and Moshe confronted each other then

3.      Questioned mention of Syrians – they previously declared neutrality, and their aid is needed to ferry replacement planes to Israel

4.      Minor editorial changes – agree

5.      Good piece, effects very vivid – thanks

6.      Identify attribution when people speak – agree, working

7.      Thought it would be inhumane to give arms to both sides – agree, but that’s what we do

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree

2.      Lots of action and detail – thanks

3.      Questioned why Israelis stood down their nuclear alert – because of Saudi assurances of no use of ballistic missiles

4.      Questioned why POTUS would talk of ‘constraining’ Israel – because they started the war by unprovoked attack on Saudi AWACS, and US does not want nuclear war

5.      Liked description of Rebeka’s emotions at destruction – thanks

6.      Questioned why US would be concerned about Syrians and Turks – because their aid needed to ferry replacement planes to Israel

BAM member –

1.      Your best story telling so far – thanks

2.      Would like to see more mention of US actions – disagree; US must remain as observer

3.      Thought references to media were too ‘cavalier’ – disagree; appropriate for this segment as providers of alternate source of tactical situation

4.      Questioned who owned the AWACS mentioned – Saudi Arabia, as previously mentioned

BAM member –

1.      Liked story and situation - thanks

2.      Suggested ‘fleshing’ out the characters – agree, working

3.      Questioned who Rebeka was – she is civilian rescue team member, shown in segment

4.      Suggested hyphenating nuclear capable – disagree; standard military usage

5.      Questioned Rebeka saying she’d throw up when she got a chance – disagree; intended subtle use of gallows humor

6.      Questioned whether replacement aircraft would be flown ’directly’ to Israel – no, would be ferried through Europe/NATO bases. Will clarify

7.      Questioned vague reference to ‘constrain Israel’ – intent was to be vague, build suspense

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree

2.      Written well – thanks

3.      Liked imagery of video telecast – thanks

4.      Questioned whether NSC meeting with POTUS was on news, or on radio – neither, meeting in which Israeli PM calls President Ellington for support

5.      Can’t connect to characters, but writing is good - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Asked if should have brought character Stefano, a journalist here – no, coming later

2.      Suggested show source of info to President, NSC members – agree, working

3.      Minor editorial changes – agree

4.      Good detail, liked handling of Rebeka – thanks

5.      Thought story timeframe was before social media – cell phones in use in summer 2005 setting of story

BAM member –

1.      Lots of action  – thanks

2.      Minor editorial changes – agree

3.      Suggested change ‘victims’ to ‘survivors’ – agree

4.      Suggested spell out First Lieutenant at first use – agree

5.      Describe, or remove, reference to ‘profanity’ on face – agree

6.      Would like to see abbreviations spelled out – disagree; done in previous segments

7.      Liked description of NSC meeting with POTUS in which PM Geblar calls – thanks

8.      Liked description of keeping Syria out of the action, and Israel having bad choices - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Descriptions and action good – thanks

2.      Visuals incredible - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – disagree

2.      Very interesting story , gives perspective on world affairs – thanks

3.      Feels like I’m in a TOC - thanks

BLOG POST 182

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 182

Process – Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went up to 217; total word count went up to to 101 K, and percent remained at 75.0 percent.

RWG meeting guest speaker was Mary Coffman-Burke, published author and editor, photographer, and web designer, who has a great sense of humor.  Her best work is … Wait! I’m not trained for this. Confessions of a stay at home mom.

Finished a re-read of Tom Clancy’s Red Storm Rising.

RWG 13 February 2016 critique comments

RWG member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – disagree

2.      Fine story, good use of humor - thanks

3.      Use Cabinet members’ names, not acronyms (PM, DM) for positions – agree

4.      Good flow – thanks

5.      Doesn’t like use of alphabet soup nomenclatures – genre requires

6.      Had no trouble following - thanks

RWG member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – disagree

2.      Great attention getter, great dialogue – thanks

3.      Felt like I was in scene with characters – thanks

4.      Felt the tension, and humor – thanks

5.      Liked opening, details of story – thanks

6.      Unclear how the ‘yet’ statement fit – was a reference, tension getter, to previous statement of Saudi assurance period

RWG member –

1.      Very interesting, great dialogue  – agree

2.      Suggested show source of info to President, NSC members – agree, working

3.      Minor editorial changes – agree

4.      Have NSC members stand when President enters – agree, working

5.      Suggested show how knowledge of no ballistic missile launch was provided – agree, working   

6.      Suggested showing eyes moving to look at President as he entered WHSR – agree, working

RWG member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – disagree and agree

2.      Very good, great dialogue - thanks

BLOG POST 181

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 181

Process – Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 216; total word count down to 100 K, and percent went up to 75.0 percent.

BAM 08 February 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Need to describe a missile impact (or multiple) – agree, coming soon

2.      Minor editorial changes – agree

3.      Suggesting changes to part of specialist’s description of magnitude of missile launches – agree, working

4.      Suggested adding name of attack operation (Hatkafa) to TV broadcast – disagree; it would be Classified

5.      Suggesting moving paragraph about DM’s resignation – agree, working

6.      Questioned inclusion and meaning of “taking every precaution” – was new DM’s way of asserting his control, but will rework wording

7.      Questioned how they knew results of missile attack on Hatzerim Air Base – earlier paragraph stated base Deputy Commander called on cell phone

8.      Covered a lot of ground, but too much detail; flowed well

9.      Liked targeting of air bases as an interesting twist - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Questioned how they knew results of missile attack on Hatzerim Air Base – earlier paragraph stated base Deputy Commander called on cell phone

2.      Good simile about having a death wish – thanks

3.      This segment skips between too many scenes, was confusing – disagree; story requires multiple sets of characters and their interactions

4.      Several places where the writing was good – thanks

5.      Liked sarcasm of PM saying nice things about outgoing DM – thanks

6.      Liked simile of tension shown by biting down to ignore pain elsewhere in body – thanks

7.      Questioned why DM Kibbutzim wouldn’t know targets of missile attacks – disagree; new DM was trying to assert control right away; working to reword

8.      Liked ending about threat of nuclear alert - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree

2.      Suggested soft pedal the mention of replacing DM – disagree; part of showing tension within Israeli Cabinet

3.      Suggested showing time lapse between missile launches and impact – disagree; previous segment stated missiles planned to impact at same time, with 55 minute flights

4.      Use Cabinet members’ names, not acronyms (PM, DM) for positions – agree

5.      Suggested adding a sentence like – “At this rate in 24 hours we will have no Air Force to protect our cities.” – agree, working

6.      This segment one of better ones - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Incredible detail – thanks

2.      Change 01:00 to read 0100 - agree

3.      Minor editorial changes – agree

4.      Good tension and threat of nuclear attack – thanks

5.      Questioned how they knew results of missile attack on Hatzerim Air Base – earlier paragraph stated base Deputy Commander called on cell phone

BAM member –

1.      Away for two weeks, lost and could not find way into story – sorry, fast moving plot

2.      Very interesting dialogue  – agree

3.      Liked paragraph on citizens reaction to planes leaving, but not returning - thanks

4.      Minor editorial changes – agree

5.      Questioned where PM and his aide came from – my imagination and unfolding story

6.      Questioned what Hatkafa was – Classified operation to take out Saudi AWACS; identified in previous weeks

7.      Questioned PM, DM – Prime Minister and Defense Minister - identified in previous weeks

8.      Liked description of actions to protect air bases and major headquarters – thanks

9.      Reduce overuse of “aircraft” – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Loved last line about nuclear alert – thanks

2.      First section, on dialogue between NORAD and NMCC was best

3.      No written comments

BLOG POST 180

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 180

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went up to 217; total word count down to 99.7 K, and percent went down to 73.0 percent.

Met a Local Author in the Lobby at Salem Church branch of CRRL. I found it unusual that she had her book for sale, but the poster advertising her book used a photo of her husband.

On the glitter that is so distracting … Bought a total of $12.00 worth of POWERBALL lottery tickets, hoping for some portion of the 1.5 billion dollar payout … since the stock market has been tanking recently. No joy! (That’s Navy slang for no success.)

BAM 01 February 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Good, better, but lacks real connection to these other people – agree, they’re throwaway characters

2.      Minor editorial changes – agree and disagree.

3.      Yeah! Tooley’s back, pulls me in - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

2.      Glad to see Israelis there - thanks

3.      Use of terminology makes it hard to read – disagree, required by genre

4.      Nicely done, a lot more comprehensive - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Questioned relevance of hours to thirty minutes – agree, working

2.      Questioned reason for WEAPONS TIGHT – given, sub-munitions fell on village

3.      Good description of geo-political setting, but neutral view (no good or bad guys identified) – thanks, that’s what I was hoping to portray

BAM member –

1.      Better to read – thanks

2.      Commentary more interesting as dialogue – thanks, working

3.      No written comments

BAM member –

1.      First section on missile launch preps too long, detailed - agree, working 

2.      Suggested changing canopy to ??? – agree, to cockpit

BAM member –

1.      Good, action packed - thanks

2.      Questioned reason for WEAPONS TIGHT – given, sub-munitions fell on village

3.      Anxious to see about what happens with CNN - thanks

BLOG POST 179

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 179

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went up to 219; total word count down to 97 K, and percent went up to 74.0 percent.

Completed the latest David Baldacci A. Shaw/Katie James “Super” detective novel, The Whole Truth.

Have also been researching various aspects of next two novels – TNO, a sequel to the Tessera Trilogy, and the first two novels of my future detective series, Money and Mayhem.

Have subscribed to the newsletter of another local writers group, The Water Street Writers Group in Fredericksburg. I learned of the group, which appears from a brief look at its website, to be commercially oriented.

BAM 11 January 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Page three drew me in, pages 1 and 2 more narrative – agree, working

2.      Section about confusion on airfields went astray – agree, will improve

3.      Missed the cousins – they’ll come soon

4.      Minor editorial changes – agree and disagree. Many reflect military usage

5.      Change “super” pilot to read “superb” pilot – disagree

6.      Liked the tension hook at end about “another kind of war” - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Some parts are hard to follow – agree, working

2.      Increase focus on characters – agree, working

3.      Increase focus on Major Levi – agree, working

4.      Delete confusion on the ground – disagree; part of reality of wars

5.      Liked the hook about coming war – thanks

6.      Reduce use of adverbs – agree

7.      Unsure what “the finger of death” meant – just that, death was identifying its next victim

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree

2.      Very good descriptions of TOC, air operations and dogfights – realistic – thanks

3.      Good description of confusion on runways – thanks

4.      Confused as to which plane was which – disagree; have been identifying F-16s as Israeli, F-15s as Saudi from the first

5.      Good hook for next chapter - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Incredible detail – thanks

2.      Need to feel the loss of friends, through Saudi or Israeli character – agree

3.      Include DM’s nephew – agree, working

4.      No written comments

BAM member –

1.      Uncertain of audience, main characters – military readers, identified earlier

2.      Incorporate more of character’s actions – agree, working

3.      No written comments 

BLOG POST 178

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 178

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went up to 213; total word count up to 99 K, and percent went down to 70.0 percent.

BAM 28 December 2015 critique comments

Mixed review comments; critics noted the building tension to an air battle, but noted too much narrative, I need to get better at this, although the current product far exceeds previous novels. Overall I’m learning a lot, and improving my style.

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree

2.      Liked angry African bees swarming - thanks

3.      Reduce telling, personalize the battle – agree, working

4.      Rethink three kamikaze fighters unknown … agree, working

5.      Explain MRBMs – agree, will elaborate on strategic importance

6.      “Caused a stir” needs to be strengthened – agree, working

7.      “Kissed your ass goodbye” overused – agree

8.      Good suspense buildup to wave attack air battle – thanks

9.      Liked ‘unchecked pandemic” - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree

2.      Needs showing, dialogue – agree, working

3.      Explain how “no borders were breached” – agree, I meant on the ground with infantry or armor

4.      Incorporate a POV character instead of narrative – agree

5.      Delete unnecessary American reaction to reports – disagree; will expand, elaborate on reaction

6.      Emphasize the Saudi public reactions to news of war – agree

7.      Unsure of importance or significance of Pops as a character – disagree; it’s coming

8.      Best portion was section on human reaction at SAM battery

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree

2.      Use of cliché “war was hell” – agree, working

3.      Incorporate picture of Israeli progress – agree, good suggestion

4.      Reduce redundant use of phrases – agree

5.      Incorporate tension among radar operators on AWACS – agree, working

6.      Show where Israeli planes where in sequence of air battles - agree

BAM member –

1.      Needs character at beginning to explain battle periodically – agree, working

2.      Probably want to not use double spacing between paragraphs – disagree

3.      Indent first word of each paragraph – disagree, my style choice