BLOG POST 183

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 183

Process – Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 213; total word count went down to to 100.8 K, and percent remained at 75.0 percent.

BAM 22 February 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Best description you’ve written, Great!  – thanks

2.      Good job, liked ‘red faced’ description - thanks

3.      Minor editorial changes – agree

4.      Liked description of glass breaking beneath boot – thanks

5.      Thought mention of ‘replacement aircraft’ unclear – disagree, previously addressed

6.      Suggested enhancing description of Nevatim base damage - agree

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – disagree and agree

2.      (Your) writing getting better – thanks

3.      Liked your female character Rebeka - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Good detail of what is going on, detailed descriptions –thanks

2.      Should you refer to War of 1973 (Yom Kippur) vice 1967 – disagree; Tooley and Moshe confronted each other then

3.      Questioned mention of Syrians – they previously declared neutrality, and their aid is needed to ferry replacement planes to Israel

4.      Minor editorial changes – agree

5.      Good piece, effects very vivid – thanks

6.      Identify attribution when people speak – agree, working

7.      Thought it would be inhumane to give arms to both sides – agree, but that’s what we do

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree

2.      Lots of action and detail – thanks

3.      Questioned why Israelis stood down their nuclear alert – because of Saudi assurances of no use of ballistic missiles

4.      Questioned why POTUS would talk of ‘constraining’ Israel – because they started the war by unprovoked attack on Saudi AWACS, and US does not want nuclear war

5.      Liked description of Rebeka’s emotions at destruction – thanks

6.      Questioned why US would be concerned about Syrians and Turks – because their aid needed to ferry replacement planes to Israel

BAM member –

1.      Your best story telling so far – thanks

2.      Would like to see more mention of US actions – disagree; US must remain as observer

3.      Thought references to media were too ‘cavalier’ – disagree; appropriate for this segment as providers of alternate source of tactical situation

4.      Questioned who owned the AWACS mentioned – Saudi Arabia, as previously mentioned

BAM member –

1.      Liked story and situation - thanks

2.      Suggested ‘fleshing’ out the characters – agree, working

3.      Questioned who Rebeka was – she is civilian rescue team member, shown in segment

4.      Suggested hyphenating nuclear capable – disagree; standard military usage

5.      Questioned Rebeka saying she’d throw up when she got a chance – disagree; intended subtle use of gallows humor

6.      Questioned whether replacement aircraft would be flown ’directly’ to Israel – no, would be ferried through Europe/NATO bases. Will clarify

7.      Questioned vague reference to ‘constrain Israel’ – intent was to be vague, build suspense

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree

2.      Written well – thanks

3.      Liked imagery of video telecast – thanks

4.      Questioned whether NSC meeting with POTUS was on news, or on radio – neither, meeting in which Israeli PM calls President Ellington for support

5.      Can’t connect to characters, but writing is good - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Asked if should have brought character Stefano, a journalist here – no, coming later

2.      Suggested show source of info to President, NSC members – agree, working

3.      Minor editorial changes – agree

4.      Good detail, liked handling of Rebeka – thanks

5.      Thought story timeframe was before social media – cell phones in use in summer 2005 setting of story

BAM member –

1.      Lots of action  – thanks

2.      Minor editorial changes – agree

3.      Suggested change ‘victims’ to ‘survivors’ – agree

4.      Suggested spell out First Lieutenant at first use – agree

5.      Describe, or remove, reference to ‘profanity’ on face – agree

6.      Would like to see abbreviations spelled out – disagree; done in previous segments

7.      Liked description of NSC meeting with POTUS in which PM Geblar calls – thanks

8.      Liked description of keeping Syria out of the action, and Israel having bad choices - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Descriptions and action good – thanks

2.      Visuals incredible - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – disagree

2.      Very interesting story , gives perspective on world affairs – thanks

3.      Feels like I’m in a TOC - thanks