Sooley Base word count as of 10 March 2013 – 95,000 (up from
92K), and page count 200 (steady). The latest version is a Summary draft with
all segments in chronological order, ready for clear cutting.
Well, I managed to get a segment critiqued by the writers
group. Last month (February) by some oversight my entry was not critiqued. The
segment is below, followed by the RWG review comments with members not
identified.
Sooley Base
Situation –
Israeli submarine Tekuma is about to launch missiles at Saudi
MRBM base.
Outer doors
open
The crew was tense; Condition Three steaming did
that. It worked on your psyche, kept your adrenaline pumping. They were at
launch stations; war shots were loaded. People would die. Even in the evening
hours Tekuma’s AC units had to work hard to cool the sub. It was
a matter of equipment efficiency, not crew comfort.
The skipper walked to the periscope, turned his
ball cap around … putting its bill over his hair. He flipped the handles down.
He confirmed verbally there were no ESM contacts as he slowly scanned the
surface with the observation scope. Its field of vision and magnification
adjusted for a rapid 360 degree sweep to verify no vessels were above. “Good,
nothing there. No contacts in visual range. COB did you record it?” He slapped
the control handles inward and the periscope descended. The Chief of the Boat
gave a thumbs up.
Commander Gideon Yossi wasn’t nervous; he’d been
down this road before … launching several warshots during training a year before.
He prayed nonetheless … “Captain, we’re at missile launch depth.”
“Very well, flood tubes one through six, open
outer doors.”
“Status please.”
Launch Officer Davor Barak replied first –
“Captain. The tubes are flooded, outer doors are open. Ready to verify
targeting Sir.”
Missile Officer Stefan Yivchi spoke next, as the
Skipper looked his way. “Launch ready. All missile targeting checks. We’re
ready Skipper.”
“Launch One … Launch Two” He continued on through
to the sixth missile.
The sub shuddered slightly at each launch. All
waited to see if their birds were flying hot and straight. “Missile Officer,
verify missile telemetry data.”
Missile Officer Yivchi checked his readouts, and
a moment later he replied in an upbeat tone. “All missiles are on assigned
flight profiles. TM data is sat for assigned targets. All flight profiles are
as planned.”
“Notify HQ of missiles launch and TM results.
Request they notify the assault team leader.”
“Captain, launch codes have been sent. The DAT leader
acknowledged missile launches … all birds inbound to targets.”
The skipper relaxed and glanced to the
maneuvering plot … “All Ahead two thirds. Conning Officer, bring us about to
new course 276. Make depth 350 … follow our planned descent plan.”
“Aye Aye
Skipper … Engines answer Ahead 2/3, coming left to new course 276. Descending
to 350 feet.”
The sailors
adjusted as the boat slowly turned, as if in midair, and angled slightly
downward. The COB muttered … “Best to clear the launch area and put distance
between the boat and any potential observer … or satellite.” There were nods.
“COB, what do
you think? Do we put a broom up when we enter port?”
“Looks like it
Skipper!”
Likely targets
“General, that
drill worked well. Your men are competent. You’ve practiced ways to secure what
might be likely targets for an intruders …
missile silos, the launch complex, hangars and aircraft, fuel tanks and
missile magazines, and the communication center. I suspect those areas would be
on any intruders’ list of priority targets.
Would you agree?”
“Yes, that is why we practiced there. I believe our men are ready.”
Satellites picked up burst transmissions between Israeli High Command
and the Direct action Team Leader. It
would take minutes to decrypt and translate for the watch in NMCC War Room
One. Others knew its meaning instantly.
Colonel Ari Levitz
blurted out excitedly … “General, the six missiles … from Tekuma are in flight. Our teams have been notified. It’s a
prelude to a spectacular sound and light show.”
“Too soon to be sure, but it feels like that,
doesn’t it?”
Launch link
It was there to look out for one’s own wazoo, in
several ways. Foreign militaries were told it was a way to ensure safety for
the launch platform, but the design had another function. The telemetry program
told the launch platform whether the missile was out of control, even if it was
Returning To Launch Point (RTLP) to bust your butt.
The TM function let the US in on their real intentions.
It provided American satellites instantaneous notice of the launch of missiles delivered
to foreign purchasers. TM functioned as a sub-routine imbedded in every Harpoon
missile made at the St. Louis plant. The boost link telemetry signals from launched
Harpoon missiles could be picked up anywhere, everywhere. Preprogrammed satellite
software relays identified the missile’s launch coordinates, trajectory, target
coordinates, and missile UP status.
The TM data of the six missiles in flight routed
instantly to computer displays in NMCC’s War Room One in the bowels of the
Pentagon. Translation of the intercept encrypted submarine launch report would
take four minutes, taxing even the assigned CRAY supercomputers.
In Mossad’s underground Operations Room Colonel
Levi updated his boss … “All submarine missiles are in flight, with staggered
times on target. This will suggest less precision in the appearance of our
attack. The fuel tank and silo fires should provide cover for placement of
beacons on the Missile Control Complex. Base response to the fires should tie
up their people and communications.”
Both smiled.
Launch in five
minutes
“Captain, the assault team acknowledged the
launches from the sub. We’re ready for launch in five minutes.”
“Very well, verify targeting data … prepare for
launch.” The operational timeline was announced
on topside speakers, and on the mess deck. All personnel topside with the exception
of launch team were ordered to take ready shelter.
“Bridge personnel - Stand by to shield eyes from
missile launch.” Then to no one in particular he added … “the JATO boosters
will give away our position, even shielded by the lee of this island. … We need
to darken ship and head to the DAT extraction point following launch.”
The words
reiterated what all had thought for four straight days … Get on with it!
We’ll be exposed, subject to attack!
“Captain, all targeting data has been verified.
Missiles are ready!”
“Well, here goes! Those POL tanks are going to light up
that base like … Damn, I can’t even imagine what 100,000 gallons of fuel going
up will look like.”
The Launch order barked over topside speakers. One
missile jumped off its cargo boom launch rail, the JATO booster lighting the
sea surface. The second followed in five minutes, its booster plume briefly
illuminating the island. Lucky there are no fishermen here.
The missile engines lit off as the JATO boosters
dropped free … TM downlink data confirmed both missiles were following assigned
profiles. The bridge watch standers looked to the captain … He smiled. “I feel good
just now. Let’s pray no fishing boats
are about to witness the missiles.”
Luck was with those who launched the missiles … no
fishing boats witnessed any launch, from sub or cargo ship. A Saudi Coast Guard
vessel did, and radioed a confused sighting report … of explosions in the sky
streaking towards the shore. A satellite above intercepted the Saudi
transmissions … and the launches.
The missiles leveled off, and then descended to
twenty-five feet to avoid potential detection by any radar. There were no
radars detected, but the missiles didn’t know this. The two accelerated to 550
MPH like the others in flight.
Harpoon missiles are fifteen foot long and Israeli
visits to the manufacturer’s plant had taken note of US Navy improvements in
flight profile controls; these were part of Tekuma’s missile
capabilities. Standard anti-shipping
warheads had been replaced with Israeli designs optimized for fuel tanks,
silos, and the critical target, the Missile Launch Complex.
As these missiles from Tekuma neared
their respective POL tanks they were programmed to climb, and then dive to
their targets. Their warheads were optimized for fuel tanks, a special explosive
oxidant added to ensure consumption of the fuels. The missiles from Tamir
were delayed … to home on beacons Direct Action Teams would place at special
targets, assuring utmost accuracy. It would be a sound and light show for the
books. But who would write the story?
RWG member review comments:
First reviewer
-
- Excessive use of military jargon – Rejected
- The human dimension of some characters not evident … In process
- Use of list of acronyms suggested – agreed (was always the plan)
- Grammatical and editorial suggestions – in process
- About what did Commander Yossi pray – in process
- What is significance of putting up a broom – in process
- Explain what was there to look after one’s wazoo – TM program –
in process
Second reviewer
-
- The setup for launch was obvious, understandable
- Glossary suggested – agreed (always the plan)
- Exciting story … I wanted to see 100,000 gallons blow up
- Clarify who speaker is at noted points – in process )some
obvious)
Third reviewer
-
- Use of closely followed definition of COB good
- Improve Points of View -
in process
- Liked the dialogue in a tense situation
- Strengthen use of human element of characters – in process
- Liked conclusion with a question – “But who would write the
story?”
- Suggest a glossary – agreed (always the plan)
- Good visuals at “Both smiled” and 100,000 gallons
Fourth reviewer –
- Liked the flow
- Develop characters more clearly – in process
- Use glossary – agreed (always the plan)
- Need to feel what characters are feeling – in process
- Explain what “bust your butt” means – in process
- Thought concluding lines too clichéd – in process
Fifth reviewer -
- If characters not explained, developed earlier, do so here – in
process
- Spell out each acronym – in process
- Does character Yossi swear as he prays , make more dramatic – in
process
- liked the detail of action
- Use of “bust your butt” questioned – in process
- Write out bearings, courses, speeds – agreed, in process
- Suggest write more for general reader – disagree …
- Spell out course and depth – agreed
- Thought concluding lines too clichéd – in process
Sixth reviewer –
- Understood use of wazoo and other acronyms
- Use of omniscient POV questioned (Luck was with …) – in process
- Use caution if changing Point of View – in process
- Suggested omitting “kept” and Pumping” in second sentence – in
process
Seventh reviewer
-
- Confused by military terms
- Narrator is ambiguous – in process
- Have Tooley use “wazoo” – in process
Eighth reviewer –
- Second paragraph good –
- Page 2, The General and the dialogue seems stiff, unnatural –
agreed – in process
- Found that US and Israel working so closely was unreal – it is,
earlier text explains
- Liked clear image of second paragraph scope
- Clarify meaning of crew “adjusting” to sub motion – in process
- Clarify meaning of “wazoo, in several ways” – in process
Ninth reviewer –
- Suggest identifying who on which side – in process, earlier text
explains
- Explain where taking place – earlier text explains
- incorporate glossary – agreed (always the plan)
- make voice of speakers more distinct – use Hebrew curses,
expressions – in process
- Several grammatical suggestions – in process
- Suggested using either Captain or Skipper, not both – agree
- Make language use “tough American” – disagree; Saudis, Israelis
and Americans in text
I felt comfortable with the comments, and was
gratified by the positive comments on excitement level, flow, level of detail,
and use of dialogue. I have to admit I chose a segment that was semi-finished
for review. More work is ahead, and
constructive criticism helps!
The first novel, Golden Gate, is
available as an e-Book from Amazon.com and from Barnes & Noble. The
frenetic writing process of DP Tolan is described in his blog –
