BLOG POST 261

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 261

BAM 20 August 2018 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Provide lead in to set scene for Brad’s flashback – agree, working

2.       Explain how they can leave school in terms of SRO, procedures for leaving – agree, working

3.       Dialog too straightforward, suggested subtlety - will rework

4.       Minor editorial suggestions – working

BAM member –

1.       Problems with the structure of whole segment. Data dump in cafeteria is unrealistic – agree, working

2.        Reduce detail of what Kathy and Brad reveal to each other – agree, working

3.       Use cat and mouse between Kathy and Brad to come to a deal to work together – agree, working

4.       Move the revelations outside school to her car – agree, working

5.       Minor editorial suggestions – working

BAM member –

1.       Reduce detail of what Kathy and Brad reveal to each other – agree, working

2.       Use less sexual innuendo between Kathy and Brad – agree, working

3.       Move the revelations outside school – agree, working

4.       Explain how they can leave school in terms of SRO, procedures for leaving – agree, working

5.       Hold back on her multiple identities – agree, working

6.       Felt there were too many characters – Hmm!

7.       Minor editorial suggestions – working

BAM member –

1.       Good story – thanks

2.       Show where Brad got facial recognition software – agree, working

3.       Suggested keeping in present tense – disagree. This segment is primarily a flashback to set scene for future action

4.       Numerous minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

BAM member –

1.       Are these new characters – No, introduced long time ago.

2.       Dialog does not sound like teenagers – true, however she is in mid-twenties and he’s a bright geek

3.       Reduce revelations that she is a credit card thief – agree, working

4.       Reduce details of their too detailed, physical descriptions – agree, working

5.       Minor editorial suggestions – working

External reviewer –

1.       Reword extensively – agree, working

2.       Establish settings for conversation – agree, working

3.       You should have one narrator attach the thoughts to Brad – agree, working

4.       Identify speakers of all dialog if not evident – agree, working

5.       Explain why Kathy is explaining her investigative process to Brad – agree, working

6.       Use boys and girls, vice males and females – agree, working

7.       Reduce or explain Kathy’s intentional visibility at school – agree, working

8.       Meth lords wouldn’t have a Dark Web site – agree, working

9.       Remove Brad’s Dark Net identity – agree, working

10.   Reduce technical detail used by characters – agree, working

11.   Describe how characters interact – agree, working

12.   Reduce formality of dialog – agree, working

13.   Show why Alexa wants to work with Brad – agree, working

14.   Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

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Thus far my draft has reached 52.8K words and a draft page count of 178, of which 79 have been reviewed.