BLOG POST 260

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 260

BAM 20 August 2018 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Dialog too straightforward, suggested subtlety - will rework

2.       Suggested Wills snap back at LC over ‘boy toy’ remark – agree, working

3.       Gaul’s development utilities as described would be normal, expected - red herring

4.       Show why HT assumes LC’s interest is real – agree, working

5.       Move remark of LC observing HT wearing same clothes earlier – agree (very helpful)

6.       Use different conversation and sub texts (hints to feelings) to explain clothing purchases – agree

7.       Improve dialog to have less awkward feel – agree, working

8.       Correct POV shifts – agree, working

9.       Reduce multiple use of same, similar words – agree, working

10.   Show or explain how Gaul’s actions are fraud – not yet, it’s coming

11.   Show why the fraud case connects to the murder – not yet, it’s coming

12.   Minor editorial suggestions – working

BAM member –

1.       Pretty good continuation of story – thanks

2.       Confidential Informant, PAW in initial or full CAPS – agree, corrected

3.       Correct POV shifts – agree, working

4.       LC’s remark about ‘boy toy’ relationship over the line – agree, working

5.       Seems a logical layout to investigation – thanks

6.       Why was Gaul’s land development infrastructure included – red herring

7.       Minor editorial suggestions – working

BAM member –

1.       Started well with regional accents, but varied – agree, working

2.       Use characters’ real names on occasion – agree, working

3.       Liked ‘broke, broken’ – thanks

4.       Suggested using gift vice debit card – agree

5.       Include transitions – agree, working

6.       Felt there was too much familiarity between HT and LC – disagree

7.       Good story – thanks

8.       Suggest replace inclusion of clenched fist – agree, working

9.       LC remarks about SRA too technical when talking with Wills – agree, working

10.   Wouldn’t a reputable land developer install utilities – agree, red herring in use

11.   Minor editorial suggestions – working

BAM member –

1.       I’ll mark up the copy – thanks

2.       Couldn’t recognize women in story –

3.       Gaul’s name seemed SCIFI – no, just a Gallic (French) one

4.       Felt Maw was a regional term – it is. HT is from WV.

5.       Unsure which detective is the rookie – LC, Lyle Chewning

6.       Nice continuation – thanks

7.       Correct POV shifts – agree, working

8.       Tighten up dialog – agree, working

9.       Use characters’ real names on occasion – agree, working

10.   IT, Info Technology, too close to ‘it’ -

11.   Minor editorial suggestions – working

BAM member –

1.       Suggested include details of Gaul’s crimes, con – agree, working

2.       Use characters’ real names on occasion – agree, working

3.       Odd that LC would carry around debit card – agree, working. Will rewrite as gift cards

4.       Relationship building between HT and LC – true

5.       Questioned use of IT (Info Technology) -

6.       Numerous minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

New BAM member –

1.       No written or verbal comments, a new member observing

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Thus far my draft has reached 53.1K words and a draft page count of 180, of which 75 have been reviewed.