BLOG POST 239

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 239

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 145 pages reviewed. This equates to a word count of 61.300.

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BAM 02 October 2017 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Lots of action, combine around Bai and George – agree, working

2.      Improve story pacing – agree, working

3.      Clarify and merge the two descriptions of explosion – agree, working to explain as within George’s mind

4.      Clarify the scene with Edrees’ pistol – agree, working

5.      Explain whether Edrees was a committed terrorist, or a wannabee – agree, working

6.      Explain why Edrees went for his pistol – agree, working

7.      Improve transition between Automatic weapons fire to explosion – agree, working

8.      Numerous minor editorial change – agree, working

9.      Reword distracting Olympic reference – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Delete “What came next surprised” as too pat – agree, working to improve

2.      Questioned use of internal thought italics – agree, working

3.      Minor editorial change – agree, working

4.      Questioned whether a cell phone would wake/light – Ah, but in this novel it does.

5.      Correct POV issue as George leaves War Wagon – agree, working

6.      Put Quotation marks around “Allah U Akbar” – agree

7.      Questioned a runner grasping air ahead and pulling himself – disagree, as a runner I did

8.      Questioned a coyote kit staying after explosion – agree, working

9.      Improve lead in/transition from gunfire and explosion to Bai – agree, working

10.  Consider toning down dialogue between Bai and Edrees – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Felt confusion about names of good versus bad guys (still couldn’t recall from previous)

2.      Enough action to satisfy, real dialogue - thanks

3.      Minor editorial change – agree, working

4.      Felt a real Muslim would pray before death –

5.      Action jumped around – working

6.      Shorten descriptions of explosion and George running to save Bai – agree, working

7.      Reduce multiple use of “startled” – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Lots of action, but jumped around a lot - thanks

2.      Minor editorial change – agree, working

3.      Reduce multiple use of “regained her composure” – agree, working

4.      Liked a lot - thanks