BLOG POST 233

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 233

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 122 pages reviewed.

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BAM 21 August 2017 critique comments

External reviewer –

1.      No review or comments received

BAM member –

1.      Caught up, could follow - thanks

2.      Suggested changing De La Luz – Mo dialogue to remove discussion of inter-Islamic conflicts, disrupts flow of story – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Correct POV issues – agree, working

2.      Develop characters’ personality within dialogue – agree, working

3.      In Judy’s dialogue, show why she alone needed to be dominant character, how she feels – agree, working

4.      Didn’t feel terrorists would use cash to lease vans – disagree, use to emphasize loss of traceability

5.      Stress the shock of terrorists’ lease of vans – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

2.      Didn’t understand reference to “Dammit” – FBI team name for Damadh, presented in earlier segments

3.      Change sentences so not all start with speaker’s name – agree

4.      Explain the team dynamic - was away for several weeks

5.       Didn’t understand rationale for leasing vans – long term implied would reduce suspicion

6.      Reduce repetitive use of “cash” – agree, working

7.      Clarify what welding company makes – agree, working