BLOG POST 232

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 119 pages reviewed.

                        *********************************************

BAM 07 August 2017 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Numerous editorial suggestions – agree, working

2.      Moves story along, some POV issues – agree, working

3.      Too much extraneous info on War Wagon van – agree, working

4.      Not enough evidence revealed about terrorist cell – agree, working

5.      Unclear about George’s earthquake sensors – he designed, installed, calibrated the sensor array

BAM member –

1.      Too much information on War Wagon, suggested foreshadowing it earlier – agree, working

2.      Can’t distinguish Mick’s personality from Mo’s – working

3.      Correct POV issues – agree, working

4.      Identify who had stayed in Santa Ana the previous night – George and Bai, during Mafia hit attempt

5.      Questioned referring back to previous nights’ events –

6.      Suggested keeping George and Bai near terrorist van in desert, confront/obstruct Mick and Mo for interest - working

New member –

1.      Lots of action – thanks

2.      Some confusing sentences – agree, working

3.      Though George and Bai are a couple, don’t see the dynamic between them – working

4.      Plans of terrorists, and those investigating them, not clear – agree, my intention to slowly reveal information

5.      Questioned meaning of “lit off” with respect to (electronic) gear – agree (turned on)

6.      Questioned what Mick and Mo learned from pairing lines between cell phones – coming to another segment soon

BAM member –

1.      Came, and left early without verbal or written comments