BLOG POST 234

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 234

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 126 pages reviewed.

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BAM 28 August 2017 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Too much exposition, narrative is God’s eye view – agree, working

2.      Confused by who “she” was in shopping center scene – agree, trying to not identify Brenda overtly

3.      Show the action as it happens, “unpack” (???) –

4.      Questioned involvement by George and Bai – coming

5.      No written comments

BAM member –

1.      Lots of exposition, narrative  

2.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

3.      How large were lockers to include a fork lift – agree, working (large will accommodate)

4.      Strip mall scene was credible, suggests a set up – agree, a setup, staged assassination to provide cover for Adnan

5.      Mixed POVs evident, confusing – agree, working

6.      Setup (Brenda assassination) interesting twist – thanks

7.      Page five POV not clear – agree, working

8.      Ops Center scene too detailed, just burning midnight oil – agree, working but also trying to stress location of terrorists as becoming less clear

9.      No character development, in action mode – thanks, working

10.  This segment advanced the story, overall good – thanks

11.  Correct San Diego County to read City – disagree, meant County to reflect wider area

BLOG POST 233

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 233

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 122 pages reviewed.

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BAM 21 August 2017 critique comments

External reviewer –

1.      No review or comments received

BAM member –

1.      Caught up, could follow - thanks

2.      Suggested changing De La Luz – Mo dialogue to remove discussion of inter-Islamic conflicts, disrupts flow of story – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Correct POV issues – agree, working

2.      Develop characters’ personality within dialogue – agree, working

3.      In Judy’s dialogue, show why she alone needed to be dominant character, how she feels – agree, working

4.      Didn’t feel terrorists would use cash to lease vans – disagree, use to emphasize loss of traceability

5.      Stress the shock of terrorists’ lease of vans – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

2.      Didn’t understand reference to “Dammit” – FBI team name for Damadh, presented in earlier segments

3.      Change sentences so not all start with speaker’s name – agree

4.      Explain the team dynamic - was away for several weeks

5.       Didn’t understand rationale for leasing vans – long term implied would reduce suspicion

6.      Reduce repetitive use of “cash” – agree, working

7.      Clarify what welding company makes – agree, working

BLOG POST 232

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 119 pages reviewed.

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BAM 07 August 2017 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Numerous editorial suggestions – agree, working

2.      Moves story along, some POV issues – agree, working

3.      Too much extraneous info on War Wagon van – agree, working

4.      Not enough evidence revealed about terrorist cell – agree, working

5.      Unclear about George’s earthquake sensors – he designed, installed, calibrated the sensor array

BAM member –

1.      Too much information on War Wagon, suggested foreshadowing it earlier – agree, working

2.      Can’t distinguish Mick’s personality from Mo’s – working

3.      Correct POV issues – agree, working

4.      Identify who had stayed in Santa Ana the previous night – George and Bai, during Mafia hit attempt

5.      Questioned referring back to previous nights’ events –

6.      Suggested keeping George and Bai near terrorist van in desert, confront/obstruct Mick and Mo for interest - working

New member –

1.      Lots of action – thanks

2.      Some confusing sentences – agree, working

3.      Though George and Bai are a couple, don’t see the dynamic between them – working

4.      Plans of terrorists, and those investigating them, not clear – agree, my intention to slowly reveal information

5.      Questioned meaning of “lit off” with respect to (electronic) gear – agree (turned on)

6.      Questioned what Mick and Mo learned from pairing lines between cell phones – coming to another segment soon

BAM member –

1.      Came, and left early without verbal or written comments