BLOG POST 230

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 230

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 111 pages reviewed.

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BAM 24 July 2017 critique comments

I had four previously reviewed segments re-reviewed as a final flourish.

Other reviewer –

1.      Numerous editorial suggestions – agree, working

2.      Suggested removing awkward sentences, descriptions – agree, working

3.      Suggested not using nicknames unless they’re used within dialogue – agree, working

4.      Suggested removing internal thoughts – agree, working

Other reviewer –

1.      Suggested not capitalizing De La Luz name – disagree

2.      Suggested changing butts to asses – agree

3.      In successive sentences identify who they and them were – agree, working

Other reviewer –

1.      Change Net to Internet – agree, working

2.      Suggested changing awkward verb choices – agree, working

3.      Describe Mick looking for loose paneling in storage locker, then looking through  – agree, working

4.      Establish setting for Mafia hit on George and Bai – agree, working

5.      Make Mafia hit men more threatening – agree, working

Other reviewer –

1.      Numerous editorial suggestions – agree, working

2.      In George’s statement to Police, incorporate words about the statement – agree, working

3.      Change wording of George’s response to Vietnamese dishes – agree, working

4.      Suggested adding description of travel through mountains to B& B – agree, working

5.      Remove character descriptions of Bud and Kathy – agree

BAM member –

1.      Numerous editorial suggestions – agree, working

2.      Moves story along, some POV issues – agree, working

3.      Too much extraneous info on War Wagon van – agree, working

4.      Not enough evidence revealed about terrorist cell – agree, working

5.      Unclear about George’s earthquake sensors – he designed, installed, calibrated the sensor array

BAM member –

1.      Too much information on War Wagon, suggested foreshadowing it earlier – agree, working

2.      Can’t distinguish Mick’s personality from Mo’s – working

3.      Correct POV issues – agree, working

4.      Identify who had stayed in Santa Ana the previous night – George and Bai, during Mafia hit attempt

5.      Questioned referring back to previous nights’ events –

6.      Suggested keeping George and Bai near terrorist van in desert, confront/obstruct Mick and Mo for interest - working

BAM member –

1.      Lots of action – thanks

2.      Some confusing sentences – agree, working

3.      Though George and Bai are a couple, don’t see the dynamic between them – working

4.      Plans of terrorists, and those investigating them, not clear – agree, my intention to slowly reveal information

5.      Questioned meaning of “lit off” with respect to (electronic) gear – agree (turned on)

6.      Questioned what Mick and Mo learned from pairing lines between cell phones – coming to another segment soon