BLOG POST 225

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 225

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 92 pages reviewed.

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BAM 22 May 2017 critique comments

With our beloved, fearless leader absent, the critique proceeded very differently. The first two members arrived, agreed to just read each others’ segments silently, rather than aloud. When the next two BAM members appeared, they were agreeable to the same silent markup process.

This process prevented writers sensing the critics’ facial cues and verbal tones that previously applied. The critique completed early, but was followed by a spirited political discussion.

BAM member –

1.      Numerous editorial suggestions - working

2.      Reduce repetitive use of verbs – agree, working

3.      Identify who Brenda is – agree

4.      Increase tension as Mick and Mo discuss, then install car bug – agree, working

5.      Improve accuracy of connection of Bai’s tablet with college WIFI – agree, working

6.      Did Mick lose his fake Spanish accent – No; Mo was the character using Spanish as a cover for his being a Saudi

7.      Describe how Area 52 could still access security sensor data if Adnan changed password – agree, working

8.      Describe how Mo took photos – agree, working (cell phone, for PR on Area 52 website)

9.      Increase tension as Mick and Mo install home sensors – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Questioned who was speaking at several points – agree, working  

2.      Minor editorial suggestions – working

3.      Suggested identifying where Bai lived – Saudi Arabia, but identified earlier

4.      Suggested clarifying how the PI course could help – agree, working

5.      Suggested clarify the direction prayer rugs pointed – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Good addition - thanks

2.      Got lost with reference to Einstein and Brenda – Einstein is George’s parrot, with whom he talks to unload frustrations. Brenda is becoming the girlfriend of Adnan.

Personal self critique –

1.      Reduce repetitive use of “Mick and Mo”

BLOG POST 224

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 224

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 88 pages reviewed.

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BAM 15 May 2017 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Pretty good job, lots clearer where story is going – thanks

2.      Liked job of POV transition on page 2 - thanks

3.      Many editorial suggestions – agree, working

4.      Condense, shorten sentences - working

5.      Fortune cookie not worth including – disagree, a deflection, a suggestion of a clue

6.      Mick and Mo portion interesting – thanks

7.      Foresee that Mick and Mo will go wrong –

8.      Clarify cost of sensor system – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Good story, a lot clearer where we’re going than before - thanks

2.      Many editorial suggestions – agree, working

3.      Felt segment had repetitive sentences, simplify – working

4.      Have Mick and Mo display fear of being discovered – agree, working

5.      Show how Mo took pictures of car and two men – agree

6.      Lessen details of what seen in trash can – agree, working

7.      Questioned remark about spilling the beans – creating tension, allusion to discovery

BAM member –

1.      Worried George and Bai’s relationship from novel’s start won’t be solved at end – wait

2.      Correct apparent contradiction between first two sentences – agree, working

3.      Clarify whether Judy knew of the two men – agree, working

4.      Liked that Mick and Mo were obviously wrong about Adnan and Hamid – thanks

5.      Wanted to know how Judy reacted to fortune cookies – disagree, said she didn’t believe in them nor enjoy them

6.      Remove mixed metaphors on “spilling the beans” and “tea leaves” – agree, working

7.      Questioned whether Mick knew of Hamid – working to improve

8.      Questioned why Mick and Mo talked of the secretive photos in driveway – to keep their actions, discoveries and plans a secret

BAM member –

1.      Questioned why “facts” not clear to Judy – They’re to be discovered, the tension to come

2.      Felt process of citizenship portrayed as too simple – agree, working

3.      Unsure why Judy told Bai to be careful – Bai is in class with the leader of the two suspects

4.      Clarify Mick’s explanation of their discovery task – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Good story and dialogue - thanks

2.      No written comments

BLOG POST 223

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 223

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 87 pages reviewed.

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The process – Here is another segment of my latest published novel – Kashan Kashmeeri – for your enjoyment. The segments are selected to progressively go through the novel, giving you a flavor of its compelling story and tension. Enjoy!

I

sraeli citizens had observed large numbers of planes leave, a quantity which stirred viral speculation. Far fewer returned than left. One Israeli air base had none.

         Phone calls quickly swamped military commanders, and base phone exchanges and cell towers blistered with calls from anxious families, many to the government. 

“Prime Minister, my operation failed to destroy that AWACS. No planes returned.  We can’t rescue the downed pilots without jeopardizing more lives.” Defense Minister Jabeel handed Geblar his resignation letter, citing the failure of Hatkafa.

Within the hour TV Jerusalem’s 1:00 PM newscast captured the nation’s attention. “Defense Minister Jabeel, long a maverick member of Prime Minister Geblar’s cabinet, resigned today after an important operation. The effort failed with the loss of what the Defense Minister’s office termed ‘numerous losses.’”

The camera panned to a dour Jabeel as he announced on screen, “my only nephew, Major Jakob Levi, is missing in action.” Jabeel indicated that he hoped the young aviator might be a prisoner in Saudi Arabia. Additional updates will be coming in BREAKING NEWS on your favorite station, TV/Radio Jerusalem. This is Avril Benyameen signing off.”

Geblar grinned as he watched the broadcast with his Chief of Staff, “Now I can get a less confrontational Knesset member to fill in.” He smirked, “Tell the Press we’re sorry to see him go … and praise his long service to our nation.” Good riddance.

Opposition within the Knesset quickly demanded Defense Minister Jabeel’s replacement. Eyal, Geblar’s Chief of Staff, suggested a way forward, “We might get support from America if we can put a moderate in, or a woman.”

“I didn’t like the maneuvers Jabeel used to increase his influence and have suggested a few names for his replacement.” Geblar smiled; he hoped to maneuver a party friend into the Cabinet position. If pressured, he’d accept an opposition party member, or at least get someone better to work with.

The DM’s office transformed into a space filled with dejected staffers, updating resumes, and filling boxes with mementos. One was a picture of Jabeel’s nephew, now MIA. The pilot had been shot down, reports sketchy whether he was alive.

At his office barely an hour later, Geblar’s day descended into another vortex. His aide burst into the office, bent red faced over a chair, and gasped, “Prime Minister, we are under attack!”

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BAM 08 May 2017 critique comments

BAM member  –

1.      Dialogue is really good, eliminate tags – thanks

2.      Not clear that Mick and Mo are doing more than security job – disagree, numerous references to themselves as Holmes, Watson, and the adrenaline rush of being detectives, the thrill of discovering Infidel flag

3.      Mention matting on stage as part of setting – agree

4.      Need to mention what Mick and Mo are planning to do – will introduce slowly, as foreshadowing

5.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree

6.      Are Mick and Mo planning to spy on these guys – YES.

BAM member  –

1.      Story starting to mesh – thanks

2.      Questioned Judy’s mentioning George’s work for FBI –Judy knows Mick and Bai personally, and Mafia take-down and threat known to all, will soften

3.      Why aren’t Mick and Mo going to the authorities – think of themselves as detectives; and the adrenaline rush of discovering Infidel flag and personal desire to take terrorists down

4.      Minor editorial suggestions - agree

5.      These two (Mick and Mo) are going to get themselves killed – thanks, tension set

6.      Clarify when Judy lost her composure – agree, working

7.      Correct Mick’s description of a security services company without mentioning the services – agree, working

8.      Didn’t believe Agent Simpson would let Mick not tell her – it’s coming, setting up tension and misdirects

BAM member  –

1.      Begin to see the story coming together - thanks

2.      Identify speaker in one sentence for clarity - agree

3.      Questioned whether personal bits conversation between FBI agent and Mick on stage would be whispered – agree, working

4.      Keeping my interest  – thanks

5.      Questioned lack of question mark in one sentence – disagree, not a question but a statement of their search orientation (where).

6.      Minor editorial suggestions - agree

BAM member  –

1.      Flowed well, good continuation – thanks

2.      Bringing story bits together – thanks

3.      No written comments

BAM member  –

1.      Left before reading

2.      Took copy to review and comment on – awaiting late input

BLOG POST 222

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 222

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 82 pages reviewed.

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BAM 01 May 2017 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Liked this continuation – thanks

2.      Correct shift of POV from Bai to George - agree

3.      Many editorial suggestions – agree, working

4.      Questioned whether Marsha was a trainer – no, an accountant

5.      Correct POV shift to Mo at end - agree

BAM member –

1.      Use of italics loses readers interest - working

2.      Don’t need to know of gym equipment – agree, working

3.      Didn’t believe Adnan and other Saudis would use Pidgin English – disagree. My son taught ESL there and it was common among his students

BAM member –

1.      Brought parents in, but didn’t elaborate – they’re throw away characters to tie this sequel to the Trilogy

2.      Why was Bai surprised about undefined “other things” having to do with the vandals who flattened Bai’s tire – because George had explained what the other things are yet

3.      Questioned the setting at start – this continues scene from previous, at George’s place

4.      Felt George was unrealistically good at hacking – thanks, part of his charm and work

5.      Felt the hair roots would be gray, and the ends dyed – agree, working

6.      Stated Arabia is not a country – Saudi Arabia is, I was using a shortcut – working

7.      Felt reader needs to get into Adnan’s mind and his commitment to terrorism – working. It will turn out he isn’t a committed terrorist, but a very reluctant one.

8.      Questioned the use of broken English - disagree. My son taught ESL there and it was common among his students

9.      Correct sudden and jarring POV shift to Mo at end - agree

BAM member –

1.      Still interesting – thanks

2.      Correct tense error in first sentence – agree

3.      Questioned whether Bai and George are a committed couple – engaged, living together

4.      Felt all Arabs are good, despite the plot – agree

BAM member –

1.      Flowed well, good continuation - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Could envision Adnan as a normal person, not terrorist – thanks (good catch)

2.      Bai didn’t seem concerned about possible gang shootout in LA – she isn’t

3.      Thought the tension between East and West LA mob units was funny - thanks