Tessera
Trilogy Blog
Post 214
I’ve been very, very distracted by the news, trying to sort out the real,
actual versus alternative, emanating
from Washington. The conflict raises my anxiety for this country and our
values. I’ve spent numerous hours reading and being depressed by the news. My
reactions appear in another blog – please FOLLOW.
*********************************************
Have been heavily distracted by two days of painting, kitchen, dining area,
and family rooms. Glad that project is complete.
The
process –
Here is another segment of my latest published novel – Kashan Kashmeeri – for your holiday
enjoyment. The segments are selected to progressively go through the novel,
giving you a flavor of its compelling story and tension. Enjoy!
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|
G
|
eneral Nazan issued the order, “Hujum … Hujum … Hujum.” The
Arabic meant attack, a code word repeated over all circuits for emphasis. MODA’s
Riyadh headquarters quickly confirmed the order on encrypted phones with each Sadeek
missile officer, and LG Ubaidi.
Amir looked at his cell phone,
stomped his foot and yelled Alshshadid. His joyous outburst cut the tension, and
cleared his mind. Finally, I get to do something.
MODA authorities verified the targets for each missile
battery and the launch order. To achieve maximum effect, the plan called for
all missiles to impact at the same time. That required a precisely timed pace
of launches. Like many things in war, the plan fractured the instant the radio
blurted Hujum.
LG Amir acknowledged the orders, then scanned his
checklist. He radioed each battery to verify receipt of the order. The Sadeek sites, just repositioned
across northern Arabia, were far from air bases. “MODA authorization
confirmed,” First Lieutenant Harbi responded from Battery One.
Eleven other officers replied in
sequence.
On the missile circuit Amir ordered, “Prepare for
launch.”
Speakers at the Sadeek batteries rumbled with
his order, and twelve sequentially acknowledged it. Engagement officers
inserted enable keys, and then verified site and target coordinates. The
officer’s voices at each location tensed as they stepped through checklists,
mouthing a stream of directions to technicians and guards.
Tests confirmed all missiles ready. Harbi responded first, “Target coordinates
verified. Ready for launch.” Then one after another launch officer replied with
the same status.
Amir mentally checked off the last checklist box. All
batteries had radioed in ‘READY.’
He gave the order –
FIRE!
*************************************************
The working draft of The Next
One now stands at 56 pages reviewed.
*********************************************
BAM 20 Feb 2017 critique comments
BAM member –
1.
Felt start was a
little stiff, purple – it is what I was opting for (soft and yet sexual)
2.
Correct POV
shifts – agree, working
3.
Minor editorial
suggestions – agree, working
4.
Consider use of a
nametag to identify Dr. Dreamy – agree, working
5.
Insert tabs –
agree
6.
Pretty good, well
written – thanks
7.
Liked use of love
manual, techniques A-1, A-2 – thanks
8.
Reduce use of
exclamation points - agree
BAM member –
1.
The romantic
scene is predictable – thanks, I was hoping for that
2.
Might consider
making it more obvious she’s in charge of relationship – she is
3.
Felt Bai’s
interactions with Dr. Dreamy weren’t realistic – author choice
4.
Should re-title
this “One Shade of George” - thanks
5.
Minor editorial
suggestions – agree, working
6.
The conflict with
Dr. Dreamy disappeared too fast – agree, but fits the story
BAM member –
1.
Don’t start a section
without clear indication of POV – agree, working
2.
Improve clarity
of POV – agree, working
3.
Felt one
expression was “kinda cinematic” and had no clear POV – disagree
4.
Eliminate out of
character statement by George, who always think – disagree, some things (sexual in this case)
instinctive
5.
Remove time
reference before start of seminar – disagree, tried to imply more sex
6.
Don’t say Bai’s
eyes scanned, she did – agree, working
7.
Was confused
about Bai’s movements away from George to speak with Dr. Dreamy, and whether
George would have heard – disagree,
movements and use of whisper make it clear
8.
You stayed in one
person’s POV in one section – Awesome! – thanks
9.
Suggested use of “seismic”
vice “atomic” wedgie – disagree
10. Insert tabs – agree
11. Questioned whether North American plate is in Monterey
Bay – it is
12. Wow! I tore this one up – doesn’t mean it’s bad. I’m
enjoying it - thanks
BAM member –
1.
Lessen use of clichés
– will consider
2.
Minor editorial
suggestions – agree, working
3.
Liked intimate
references - thanks
4.
Suggested dropping
George’s inner thoughts about sex – disagree
5.
Questioned
identity of speaker in one place – shown as Dr. Dreamy
6.
Too great a use
of self thoughts – disagree,
a very different situation for George
7.
Liked George’s
evolution as a character – thanks
BAM member –
1.
Great intimacy
imagery – thanks
2.
Several positive comments
about use of humor – thanks
3.
Minor editorial
suggestions – agree, working
4.
I liked the
relationship firming, the intimacy was nicely done – thanks
5.
Liked the
interplay between Bai and George - thanks
BAM member –
1.
Addition was good
– thanks
2.
Felt George’s
scientist character being lost – disagree, he’s being socially aware
3.
Questioned why
Bai is “so” provocative (socially, sexually) – she’s young, interested, wants
to improve his social skills
4.
Lacked hook at
end - working
5.
Questions about
POV – agree, working
6.
A new dimension
for George and Bai – thanks
7.
Waiting for Bai
to turn into a harpie – disagree, not the plan
BAM member –
1.
Good dialogue,
moved along well - thanks
2.
No written
comments –
BAM member –
1.
This is really
good, best you’ve done so far – thanks
2.
Great characters,
dialogue, comedy and romance – thanks
3.
The last two pages
ran out of steam – agree, working
4.
No written comments
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