BLOG POST 210

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 210

The process –

Here is a second segment of my latest published novel – Kashan Kashmeeri – for your holiday enjoyment. The segments are selected to progressively go through the novel, giving you a flavor of its compelling story and tension. Enjoy!

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T

ooley recognized shit. It happened; it stunk. When it covered you, you got pissed - royally pissed! “Amir,” he yelled, “do we have TARGET written all over us, or is it just you?”

      Amir staggered to his feet, “Just me.” He brushed his clothes, mud from the leaking water, sand, and metallic fragments. He spat, swore angrily in several languages, and started to apologize.

O’Toole grabbed Amir’s wrist, stared intensely into his eyes. Blood vessels pulsed on Tooley’s neck, “What the fuck is going on?”

“Some sonofabitch tried to kill me! Those Israeli pricks tracked my cell phone, flew all the way here to kill me.”  

“Yeah, well I took it as personal,” Tooley bellowed. “I don’t like being collateral damage! Every time you invite me to a base this sorta shit happens.”

Amir rolled over, and rose clenching his fists. He screamed angrily to uniformed figures nearby, 

                                                                     “WEAPONS FREE!” 

Sergeant Bukharah waved acknowledgement to the general. He hefted, armed his shoulder launched missile, turned and elevated the launcher. The earpiece confirmed target acquisition and he squeezed the trigger. A missile launched, blowing sand everywhere as it leapt skyward toward the fighter.

Tooley coughed from the smoke as the missile took flight. He swore at the round, “Get that sonofabitch!”

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BAM 23 Jan 2017 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Another good addition - thanks

2.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

3.      Incorporate some symbol to designate change of setting – agree, working

4.      Was George joking in comment about Mafiosi – No, he has contract out on his life

5.      Increase conflict, tension – agree, working

6.      Incorporate narrative, dialogue of Bai being followed – agree, working

7.      Like “a magnet for angry people with weapons” – thanks

8.      Curious that George was more concerned about himself rather than Bai – agree, working

9.      What was intent of last section (being followed) – to increase tension about Mafia threats to George through Bai

BAM member –

1.      No written comments –

2.      Incorporate settings to ground the dialogue – agree, working

3.      Great dialogue - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Editorial suggestions – agree, working

2.      Too much dialogue – agree, working

3.      Need to increase sense of urgency, conflict – agree, working

4.      Tighten up, too much “stuff” – agree, working

5.      Incorporate narrative, dialogue of Bai being followed – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Incorporate some symbol to designate change of setting – agree, working

2.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

3.      Correct POV shifts – agree, working

4.      Discussion of George’s experiment is confusing – agree, will tighten

5.      Explain how a student is “scary” – agree, working

6.      If George and Bai are talking about “Dad”, whose Dad are they discussing – Bai was describing her father

7.      Incorporate narrative, dialogue of Bai being followed – agree, working