Tessera
Trilogy Blog
Post 209
The
process –
Here is a second segment of my latest published novel – Kashan Kashmeeri
– for your holiday enjoyment. The segments are selected to progressively go
through the novel, giving you a flavor of its compelling story and tension.
Enjoy!
*********************************************
Both teens knew being shot required a shoot-‘em-up,
unless a wizards’ wand was involved. The magical moment ended abruptly as a
Call to Prayer reverberated from the speaker system. It interrupted everyone’s thoughts.
Mick paused the movie, “What was that?’
Mamo reached up and muted the speaker. He began
explaining the prayer call until a siren suddenly pierced the air. All covered
their ears and stared incredulously towards the alarm. Flashing strobe lights
added further tension, magnetizing everyone’s attention. The security panel
near one light loudly announced a recorded warning:
INTRUDER AT STAIRS! INTRUDER AT STAIRS!
Munirah fluttered her right hand in a horizontal
gathering motion, beckoned Anh and the youngsters. “Move … quickly.” She
hurried ahead to a cabinet, took a key, and opened it. From a rack within came
a handgun and several magazines. She inserted one magazine. The expressions of
the teenagers and Fadia accelerated from curiosity to fear.
Munirah turned, alarm on her face, and pointed down
the hallway, “Get in our safe room … Now!”
Glassy with adrenaline, eyes cycled frenetically
between horror, fear, and disbelief at the dual stimuli of the alarm and the
pistol. As they assembled, Munirah pushed a button inset in the wall. A motor
activated and a solid metal panel closed off the hallway.
Like a mother bear, the mothers’ eyes swept up to a
security monitor as their youngsters moved to the room at the end of the hall.
Munirah believed no one would mess with her cubs with mother bear around. Those
that did risked getting their faces eaten off.
Mamo, suddenly aware of the implications of an intruder,
turned to his older sister, “Will they hurt us?”
Fadia pulled the boys and Bai closer, “No!” Her answer
was not convincing. “I’ll protect you, and the alarm summoned an Emergency Team
from the base.” Her tone was now calm, “They’ll be here soon.”
Fadia shouted, “Mother, shoot him, or let me slam him.”
She assumed a martial arts stance.
Munirah pointed, “No, Fadia. There are two Tasers in
the cabinet. Get one!”
Fadia scurried to the cabinet, and grabbed a Taser,
tentatively fingering its trigger, “How do I use it?”
“Don’t worry; you’ve seen enough movies to know. I’ll
shoot him, if he gets in. You’re our
backup.” She paused, looked around, mentally assessing if all preparations were
in place. “A team is coming from the base,” Munirah pronounced.
M&M, Bai, and Fadia had earlier each imagined some
personal heroics. They uttered prayers in multiple languages … “Save us, we pray, from the sword of the
stranger.”
“Anh, we’ll be safe. They can’t get through the
barrier, but I’m ready.” Munirah slid the barrel assembly back and chambered a
round, “Amir trained me to shoot.”
Fadia’s expression paled as she watched her mother’s
finger rub the trigger guard.
Then all eyes shifted instantly to movement on the
monitor. The pet Salukhi slunk behind
the stairs beyond the fountain and yelped.
“Mom, don’t let them hurt Allat,” Bai pleaded, “Maybe
she’ll chase them away.”
Soon the monitor exposed the intruder. A stray dog had
snuck in; the monitor soon gave a close up of the Salukhis coupling. The on screen action generated chuckles from the
mothers.
Fadia and the boys shared knowing grins. Mick tagged
Mamo’s shoulder with a soft punch, blurted, “They’re humping, Mom!”
A puzzled look spread on Bai’s face, quickly replaced
by an uncomfortable blush, “Yukky!”
Munirah pushed the button again and the metal panel
motored back. Everyone walked to the family room and sat. Allat walked over,
lay down, and licked Fadia’s foot.
Fadia whispered, “That stray was handsome for a Salukhi. I bet their puppies will be
cute.” She bent down, grinned, and hugged Allat, “You slut.”
*******************************************
BAM 16 Jan 2017 critique comments
BAM member –
1.
Another good
addition - thanks
2.
Minor editorial
suggestions – agree, working
3.
Dialogue between
Mick and George filled in Mick’s character – thanks
4.
Simplify George’s
laptop log in - agree, working
5.
Use only one
term/name for George – agree, working
6.
Flowed well –
thanks
7.
Remove POV
conflicts – agree, working
8.
Add foreshadowing
of conflict – agree, working
9.
Tighten up
dialogue – agree, working
BAM member –
1.
Thought Elliott
was a new character – agree, working
2.
Remove POV
conflicts – agree, working
3.
Minor editorial
suggestions – agree, working
4.
Some sections can
be shortened – agree, working
5.
Seemed strange
that George was hacking databases, violating his clearance – disagree, he’s cleared
“trusted” and this is part of what he does
6.
Add foreshadowing of conflict – agree, working
7.
Suggested
deleting first section on Bai’s first day of classes – disagree, sets up action later
BAM member –
1.
Editorial
suggestions – agree, working
2.
Correct POV shift
on first page – agree, working
3.
Use only one
term/name for George – agree, working
4.
Better if George
says “I’m crazy about your sister” and remove rest – agree, working
5.
Add foreshadowing
of conflict – agree, working
6.
Tighten up
dialogue – agree, working
BAM member –
1.
Liked section
with Bai’s first day on campus -thanks
2.
Minor editorial
suggestions – agree, working
3.
Correct POV shifts
– agree, working
4.
Use only one
term/name for George, unless different characters speaking – agree, working
5.
Wording awkward
about “when I wake, shower …” – agree, working
6.
Questioned why
George would say “I saw you …” – agree, working
7.
Add foreshadowing
of conflict – agree, working
8.
Shorten dialogue
between George and Mick – agree, working
9.
I have a feeling
“finding Judy” is going to bite everyone - agree
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