Tessera
Trilogy Blog
Post 242
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Over a period of several months I re-read
Tom Clancy’s novels – Patriot Games, The Bear and The Dragon, and
The
Eye of the Tiger.
Began reading Stieg Larsson’s novel, The Girl
with the Dragon Tattoo.
The Next One stands at 148 pages,
63,600 words.
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BAM 30 October 2017 critique comments
This critique session was planned as the
review of the final ending segment for TNO.
Outside reviewer –
1.
Change “Oh my
Gawd” to more male, non-Valley girl expression – agree
2.
Describe status
of ATVs better – agree, working
BAM member –
1.
An improvement
over previous segment – thanks
2.
Some dialog not
credible – agree, working
3.
Delete any humor
within tension areas – will consider, inferred as self defensive remarks
4.
Good wrap-up –
thanks
5.
Numerous minor
editorial changes – agree, working
6.
Too much detail
of characters beside George and Bai – will consider; don’t want to leave reader
in doubt
7.
As a suggestion,
highlight minor character interactions to thin out their impact – will consider
8.
Felt
charge nurse dialog lessened tension – agree, working
9.
Correct wandering
POV issues within scene – agree, working
10. Empathize George and lessen his accusatory remarks - will consider; he’s a complex character
11.
Change “dint”
to “didn’t” – disagree
BAM member –
1.
Story moving in
right direction – thanks
2.
Ending seems
correct in terms of story start – thanks
3.
Seems too much
stress over minor wound – agree, will make it appear more damaging
4.
Transition to
George bending over body was strange – agree, working
5.
Clarify that
George sees Edrees reaching for pistol – agree, working
6.
Clarify whose
photographic brain mentioned – agree, working
7.
Clarify how
George saying Bai was hit – agree, working
8.
Correct POV
issues – agree, working
9.
Suggested
deleting final six paragraphs as unnecessary – will consider
10. Stated “Don’t listen to (other BAM reviewer). There’s
not much to cut. If you cut everything he wanted you’d write Flash Fiction. The
interaction between George and Bai is great.” Thanks
BAM member –
1.
Good improvement from
before – thanks
2.
Change breath “pulsing”
– agree, working on word choice
3.
Felt there was
too much detail and characters – disagree; this was end, wrapping up story
4.
Minor editorial
change – agree, working
5.
Show
George with more anxiety over killing a man – will consider; he’s a complex
character
6.
The
actual shooting of George by Bai needs to be included earlier – disagree; would be out of place
and she missed him because her eyes were closed. That’s the reason for tension.
7.
Questioned
if she (Maria) was terrorist captive – No, she was watching.
8.
Questioned
inclusion of doctors’ grumble over pager
– part of “can’t be bothered” small town clinic atmosphere I wanted
9.
Change “dint”
to “didn’t” – disagree
10.
Questioned
use of “you big lug” – will consider word choice
BAM member –
1.
Lots of
action, summarizing
2.
Seems
repetitive, cut banter – disagree
3.
Cut
dialog, narrative – seems too much – disagree; building tension for end
4.
Numerous minor
editorial changes – agreed with most, working
5.
Explain weapons
which “discharged in near unison”– disagree; self evident – Edrees and Bai fired at almost same
instance
6.
Clarify what
Maria (another) used to tie off handkerchief bandages – disagree; evident from
wording
7.
Questioned phrase
“through and through” – standard police and medical terminology for a bullet
wound
8.
Questioned George
running his right hand over his jacket – to arouse interest in the bullet hole where
Bai’s bullet went, almost killing him
9.
Felt recap of
action was anti-climatic – disagree,
was building tension between George and Bai
