BLOG POST 187

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 187

Process – After reviewing each participant written and verbal suggestions, I decide whether to accept and modify the draft to agree with their ideas. Alternately, I may disagree, in which case I note my reasons.

CRRL as a part of the review/critique process – letting anyone print unlimited copies. I print copies from RWG and BAM review sessions, which forces CRRL backhandedly to support this local eBook  author.

After reviewing each review participant’s written and verbal suggestions, I decide whether to accept and modify the draft to agree with their ideas. Alternately, I may disagree, in which case I note my reasons.

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 206; total word count inched up to 102.0 K, and percent increased t0 82.5 percent.

BAM 28 March 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Give me crunching gravel, kicking dust at tank load out – agree, working

2.      Nice imagery of Armored Divisional HQ - thanks

3.      Reads like the Saudis are using American military slang – disagree with changing; Arabs and Jordanians train with and emulate American military usage

4.      Suggested changing to italicization of “The Major hoped” – agree

5.      Liked the mystery of section about Tooley and Stefano’s phone conversation - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree and disagree; working

2.      Suggested changing “ditches” to “trenches” – agree

3.      Described paragraph on the journalists being passed along as redundant – disagree; sets tension in their presence with tank unit

4.      Thought Ubaidi’s remarks questioning what Israeli tank commander expected his force to do in battle as redundant – disagree; builds tension about coming battle tactics

5.      Too much detail; some may be unnecessary – agree, working

6.      Appeared you’re setting the stage for a battle – correct

7.      Were Israelis and Saudis, Jordanians using same tanks – yes, M-60s that were forty years old (It’s my idea of a twist in the story, but is factually accurate.)

BAM member –

1.      Ponderous narrative – working to improve

2.      Felt portion on explosive testing of tank shells didn’t make sense – disagree; back story to tactically important part of battle – working

3.      What are “war loads” – quantity of war necessary tank rounds – fairly obvious from context

4.      Asked in what way helo support could change outcome of a battle -  they would have lent highly effective fire support to tank unit

5.      Questioned why Colonel Ubaidi was nervous about coming battle – he was aware of state of Israeli training, and he had only fought a limited battle with Iraqi armor

6.      Questioned why the Jordanian General “summarized the two officers records” – to build their confidence in each other before battle

7.      Questioned why the “plan” wasn’t just to use helos for the battle – My story, plus this wouldn’t be how the Israelis would attack

BAM member –

1.      Very well written – thanks

2.      Loved the character dialogue – thanks

3.      Suggested double spacing – I use 1.15 line spacing

4.      Questioned meaning of CP – given in previous sentence as Command Post

5.      Minor editorial changes – agree

6.      Liked the family references - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Overall good – thanks

2.      Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.      Discussion of two Colonels moved slowly – agree, working

4.      Needs action, tension to speed story up – agree, working

5.      Questioned extensive technical info – agree, working

6.      Dialogue was responsive, but needs more punch – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

2.      Questioned remark about Boy scouts – agree, will remove

3.      Suggested use of descriptions and verbs that show rather than tell the story – agree, working

4.      Reduce overuse of some descriptors – agree, working

5.      Story heavy with technical detail – agree, working

6.      Suggested revising sentences dealing with Israeli prisoner – agree, working

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree with most; working

2.      Dialogue seems to be lecturing - working

3.      Asked what “beasts” were – in this case military jargon for M-60 tanks

4.      Suggested punctuation changes – agreed with some

5.      Suggested changing “kicked off” to be “ticked off” – disagree, would change sense of sentence

6.      Reduce technical detail – agree, working

7.      Use fewer verbs with “ing” – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Excellent, good descriptive narrative – thanks

2.      Liked inclusion of NCO and soldier perspectives – thanks

3.      Questioned why Colonel Ubaidi didn’t “want” to rely on helo support – that would have meant an extended battle that he was losing

4.      Military readers will like the technical info – thanks

5.      Questioned when Colonel Wasfi fought the Israelis – irrelevant to the story

6.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

7.      Liked dialogue - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Great narrative, liked technical detail - thanks

2.      No written comments

BLOG POST 186

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 186

Process – After reviewing each participant written and verbal suggestions, I decide whether to accept and modify the draft to agree with their ideas. Alternately, I may disagree, in which case I note my reasons.

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 210; total word count inched up to to 101. K, and percent increased t0 81.1 percent.

Completed reading Agatha Christie’s The ABC Murders. Hercule Poirot is not my idea of a suitable detective for my Money and Mayhem detective series. Agatha’s style is very different, and I did learn some style and investigate ideas.

BAM 21 March 2016 critique comments

BAM member  –

1.       Dialogue great – thanks

2.       Improve reader connection with characters’ emotions – working

3.       Reduce overuse of “war” – agree, working

4.       Liked journalists’ description of war, very well written – thanks

5.       Questioned meaning of “kill signal” to cameraman – agree, working

6.       Great imagery of “fingering his mike like a flute” – thanks

7.       Use of sand to cleanse before prayer – Wow, vivid – thanks

8.       Description of PTSD too preachy – disagree, working

9.       Questioned why Rodolfo “rarely got his words before audience” – a cameraman works the video

BAM member  –

1.        Minor editorial changes – agree and disagree; working

2.       Pretty good addition – thanks

3.       Questioned credibility of the journalists seeming unprofessional observations – it sets up their being moved off the front, to a seemingly more quiet area

4.       Usage of some words redundant – agree, working

5.       Reaction of General Abdullah was good – thanks

6.       Moves slowly – agree, will improve, but this is back story before coming action

7.       Improve overuse of “tents” – agree, working

8.       Liked portrayal of bugs as soldiers – thanks

9.       Questioned depression of journalists – they’ve been in midst of Iran-Iraqi phony warfare, been wounded, and I’m trying to portray the relative value of peace versus war

10.   Questioned use of General Abdullah’s angry, broken English -

BAM member  –

1.       Good addition - thanks

2.       Too wordy, shorten – agree, working

3.       Improve the use of “tents” – agree, working

4.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

5.       Why does Rodolfo worry of being buried without a headstone – In much of Arabia the dead are buried unceremoniously in the desert, with a headstone

BAM member  –

1.       Very well written – thanks

2.       Loved the character dialogue – thanks

3.       Description about PTSD was very good – thanks

4.       Still have trouble with acronyms – agree

5.       Very good descriptions, dialogue – thanks

6.       Characters that we care about are emerging – thanks

7.       Liked the description of emotional stress – thanks

8.       Liked sentence with “unseen but seeing” – thanks

9.        

BAM member  –

1.       Overall good – thanks

2.       Reduce telling – agree, working

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

4.       Liked the shuffling off of journalists to someone else (as a problem) – thanks

5.       Found dialogue of General Abdullah authentic – thanks

6.       Replace “tangible” – agree, working

7.       Liked “unseen but seeing” – thanks

8.       Correct usage of “farther” versus “further” – agree

9.       Good ending, realistic - thanks

BAM member  –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree with most; working

2.       Too many paragraphs started with ‘He” – agree, working

3.       Reduce usage of “many others” - agree

4.       Questioned why “there” was in italics – to emphasize the emotional distance between their tent settlement and the comforts of a nearby town’s hotels

5.       Correct usage of “farther” versus “further” – agree

6.       Unfamiliar with acronym “RPG” – Rocket Propelled Grenade is a common term in vernacular, especially in this genre

7.       Improve use of ‘the story’ – agree

8.       What does OFFEQ mean – the name given Israeli Intel satellites; defined previously

BAM member  –

1.       Liked ‘tickling the nose’  - thanks

2.       Needs better transition – agree, working

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

BAM member  (new member) –

1.       Well written  - thanks

2.       Correct usage of “farther” versus “further” – agree

3.       Good tension endings to sections - thanks

BAM member  (new member) –

1.       The smells of the camp was portrayed well (her husband said the same of Afghanistan) – thanks

2.       Suggested making MREs the journalists’ meal – disagree; trying to emphasize local foods use

3.       Improve use of ‘the story’ – agree

BLOG POST 185

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 185

Process – Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went up to 211; total word count went up to to 101.2 K, and percent increased to 79.7 percent.

Still reading Agatha Christie’s The ABC Murders. My purpose is to get a sense for the flow of detective novels as preparation to writing a series of detective novels.

Received a number of markups and editorial changes from “Gomes.” A smiley face was included and very positive comments about the excitement about the story line, and whether it was true.

BAM 14 March 2016 critique comments

At fourteen participants, this was the largest group for a critique. This strained the time allowed, and generated comments out of turn, which disrupted the process. Overall it went well. One member whose entry was not quite ready left early, looking disappointed.

BAM member –

1.      Able to follow; great action – thanks

2.      Great imagery – thanks

3.      Loved the Israeli General’s name – no change; used previously

4.      Reduce overuse of “prisoner” – agree

5.      Great buildup in prisoner interview – thanks

6.      Loved how the reader was brought into the setting – thanks

7.      Loved use of humor – thanks

8.      Loved how reader was allowed to see the environment – thanks

9.      Great dialogue – thanks

10.  One of your better chapters - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

2.      More character driven; it worked - thanks

3.      Suggested adding segment about what happens to the prisoner – agree, will come later

4.      A little mysterious about periods – tried to be

5.      Liked “sonofabitch genes run in the family” – thanks

6.      Suggested word change to replace “desire dripping from her face” - agree

BAM member –

1.      First time with personal character interaction - thanks

2.      Lots of editorial changes – agree on most; working

3.      This is really good writing – thanks

4.      Questioned the bit about “How do you know of my father?” – it explains the fact that the prisoners father had shot both Amir and Tooley. Ties story and characters together.

5.      Asked who was in third car – Tooley, as it says

6.      Suggested using consistent names for characters – disagree; the prisoner would not know O’Tooles’ personal name

BAM member –

1.      Was able to follow – thanks

2.      Loved the character interactions – thanks

3.      Good details and descriptions – thanks

4.      Suggested word change to replace “desire dripping from her face” - agree

BAM member –

1.      Interesting story, good juxtaposition of story with human side – thanks

2.      Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.      Easy to follow – thanks

4.      Solid dialogue – thanks

5.      Suggested adding segment about what happens to the prisoner – agree, will come later

6.      Asked if the war is over – no; more to follow

7.      Suggested word change to replace “desire dripping from her face” - agree

BAM member –

1.      Liked that cousins were included - thanks

2.      Many editorial changes – agree with most; working

3.      Awkward POV shifts on page 2 – agree, but will leave as is

4.      Suggested meeting with a gynecologist would be later – agree

5.      Wonderful! – thanks

6.      Asked if prisoner was being released – no; will address later (shows I did achieve tension about his status

BAM member –

1.      Liked flow, humor - thanks

2.      Needs better transition to Mick and Bai’s dialogue – disagree; she had punched him

3.      Easy to read and follow – thanks

4.      Good dialogue and use of humor - thanks

BAM member (new member) –

1.      Liked it, good flow  - thanks

2.      Readable, great writing and dialogue – thanks

3.      Enjoyed - thanks

BAM member (new member) –

1.      Good chapter, good description of phone conversation - thanks

2.      DNA disclosure nice surprise - thanks

3.      Chinese restaurant scene well done – thanks

4.      Liked the distraction of Chinese restaurant – thanks

5.      Good follow-up from the air and missile battles, explaining damage and future strategy - thanks

BAM member (new member) –

1.      Liked it – thanks

2.      As a military man, liked inclusion of family side - thanks

BAM member (new members) –

1.      Liked it - thanks

BLOG POST 184

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 184

Process – Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 210; total word count went down to to 100.6 K, and percent increased to 78.5 percent.

Finished re-reading The Last Full Measure by Jeff Shaara. It is an excellent book on the final days of the Civil War.

Have started reading Agatha Christie’s The ABC Murders.

BAM 07 March 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

2.      Good addition, able to follow - thanks

3.      Questioned use of “sticky wicket” as British – agree, working

4.      Add a character to Egyptian/Turkish twist, perhaps have his plane surrounded – will consider

5.      Cut back on detail on cousins – disagree

6.      Liked “sonofabitch genes run in the family” – thanks

BAM member –

1.      Good continuation - thanks

2.      DNA disclosure clogs up the story – disagree

3.      Add a resolution to DNA disclosure – it’s coming

4.      Dialogue gives hierarchy – thanks

5.      Questioned restaurant scene as necessary to story – set the scene

6.      Minor editorial changes – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Good chapter, good description of phone conversation - thanks

2.      DNA disclosure nice surprise - thanks

3.      Chinese restaurant scene well done – thanks

4.      Liked the distraction of Chinese restaurant – thanks

5.      Good follow-up from the air and missile battles, explaining damage and future strategy - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Able to follow – thanks

2.      Liked descriptions – thanks

3.      Could connect with characters in restaurant – thanks

4.      WOW! Loved how this built up and brought reader in – thanks

5.      Loved the imagery, could see the restaurant – thanks

6.      Liked the humor of holding and shooting cousin – thanks

7.      Dialogue and clarity much better – thanks

8.      Great chapter – thanks

BAM member –

1.      Liked dialogue, could visualize the restaurant setting with chopsticks – thanks

2.      Appreciated fewer acronyms

3.      Questioned what IBD meant – defined in next sentence

4.      Liked “sonofabitch genes run in the family” – thanks

5.      Spell out CJCS – disagree; defined before

BAM member –

1.      Dialogue better, clearer – thanks

2.      Clear cut, way better what’s happening - thanks

3.      Indent when speakers change – agree

BAM member –

1.      Interesting story, good geo-political description – thanks

2.      Minor editorial changes – agree, working