BLOG POST 235

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 235

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 129 pages reviewed.

                        *********************************************

BAM 04 September 2017 critique comments

A far more satisfying set of comments and suggestions were provided than recent critiques. The night was encouraging. Progress!?

 There are only three draft segments left for review before a full review of the entire novel starts.

BAM member –

1.      Great pacing and tension, detail - thanks

2.      Pace the growing frustration of not knowing where terrorist vehicles are by creating differing incident reports – agree, working

3.      Describe how they’re tracking terrorist vehicles, and how initially unaware where vans were – agree, working

4.      Show readers how they know which vehicles they are chasing – agree, working

5.      Segment sounded credible, ratcheted up tension very well – thanks

6.      Mechanisms of confusion as to van locations well done – thanks

7.      Eliminate duplicate use of ATF Agent Bellowes’ name – agree, working

8.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

9.      Clarify what “thing” is going according to FBI team plan – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Confused as to how the team was able to track the vans – working

2.      Correct POV issue of knowing how four other vans left parking lot – agree, working

3.      Missed where one of terrorists was working with FBI team; reader is unaware – agree, will insert additional hints. Am trying to maintain degree of mystery about Adnan.  

4.      Suggested making Padrino a mailman, or package delivery man – disagree, signage on van would be different, but will improve

5.      Reduce multiple use of “sleep” – agree, working

6.      Clarify what is meant by “a display” – agree, working (refers to another monitor)

7.      Paragraph on introduction of additional, phony vans was good use of cinematic POV – thanks

8.      Explain why if team is tracking vans they are arresting the terrorists – agree, need to clarify that huge bombs involved and FBI/ATF don’t want local cops to intrude

BAM member –

1.      Exceptional, kept up good momentum – thanks

2.      Improve transitions to omniscient POV scenes – agree, working

3.      Tighten up the van situation – agree, working

4.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

5.      Reduce multiple use of “sleep” – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Good pacing, liked this segment – thanks

2.      Have Judy actually curse, don’t say she does – agree, working

3.      Too many internal thoughts – agree, working

4.      Liked “Are our terrorists adrift?” – thanks

5.      Improve wording of rear mirror view – agree, working

6.      Liked use of fake plates – thanks

7.      Delete use of “Breath in, breath out.” – agree, working

8.      Make greater distinction between techniques of local cops vs. FBI – agree

9.      Indent start of fourth paragraph – agree

10.  Numerous editorial suggestions – agree, working

11.  Reduce multiple use of “exit” – agree, working

12.  Explain how the team knows of stolen license plates – agree, working

13.  Paragraph on other drivers and vans introducing additional vans gave me chills - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Really enjoyed - thanks

2.      Eliminate duplicate use of ATF Agent Bellowes’ name – agree, working

BLOG POST 234

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 234

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 126 pages reviewed.

                        *********************************************

BAM 28 August 2017 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Too much exposition, narrative is God’s eye view – agree, working

2.      Confused by who “she” was in shopping center scene – agree, trying to not identify Brenda overtly

3.      Show the action as it happens, “unpack” (???) –

4.      Questioned involvement by George and Bai – coming

5.      No written comments

BAM member –

1.      Lots of exposition, narrative  

2.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

3.      How large were lockers to include a fork lift – agree, working (large will accommodate)

4.      Strip mall scene was credible, suggests a set up – agree, a setup, staged assassination to provide cover for Adnan

5.      Mixed POVs evident, confusing – agree, working

6.      Setup (Brenda assassination) interesting twist – thanks

7.      Page five POV not clear – agree, working

8.      Ops Center scene too detailed, just burning midnight oil – agree, working but also trying to stress location of terrorists as becoming less clear

9.      No character development, in action mode – thanks, working

10.  This segment advanced the story, overall good – thanks

11.  Correct San Diego County to read City – disagree, meant County to reflect wider area

BLOG POST 233

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 233

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 122 pages reviewed.

                        *********************************************

BAM 21 August 2017 critique comments

External reviewer –

1.      No review or comments received

BAM member –

1.      Caught up, could follow - thanks

2.      Suggested changing De La Luz – Mo dialogue to remove discussion of inter-Islamic conflicts, disrupts flow of story – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Correct POV issues – agree, working

2.      Develop characters’ personality within dialogue – agree, working

3.      In Judy’s dialogue, show why she alone needed to be dominant character, how she feels – agree, working

4.      Didn’t feel terrorists would use cash to lease vans – disagree, use to emphasize loss of traceability

5.      Stress the shock of terrorists’ lease of vans – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

2.      Didn’t understand reference to “Dammit” – FBI team name for Damadh, presented in earlier segments

3.      Change sentences so not all start with speaker’s name – agree

4.      Explain the team dynamic - was away for several weeks

5.       Didn’t understand rationale for leasing vans – long term implied would reduce suspicion

6.      Reduce repetitive use of “cash” – agree, working

7.      Clarify what welding company makes – agree, working