BLOG POST 256

BAM 25 June 2018 critique comments

Only one BAM member was present, so there were no readings. We simply exchanged segments and marked them up.

BAM member  – 

1.       Move character motivation before his/her actions – agree

2.       Why is LC worrying about this realtor – agree, working

3.       More fully describe the dinner at Greek festival – agree, working

4.       Show that LT Stevens has briefed teams – agree, working

5.       Bring more of Burgess’ feelings, expectations as he sees raid unfold – agree, working

6.       Describe what SWAT team leader expects vs what he sees as raid starts – agree, working

7.       Identify Lieutenant Stevens – done earlier, on first page as head of SWAT team

8.       Include more instances of how Wills’ impatience affects their relationship – agree

9.       Remove scene break between trip to Richmond and being in morgue – agree, working

10.   Spell out ME – agree

11.   Clarify condition of deceased finger tips – agree, working

12.   Clarify description of new mortar as old – agree; working

13.   Include more tension, conflict – agree, working

14.   Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

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I’ve spent some time recently trapping and releasing squirrels who seem intent on destroying our flower beds and planting unwanted acorns in the lawn. I term it recycling, as they are transported a distance away and released.

BLOG POST 255

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 255

BAM 18 June 2018 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Clarify POV in first paragraph – agree, working

2.       Describe, show more of Agent Burgess – agree, working

3.       Correct POV shifts on pages 3 and 5 – agree, working

4.       Explain how DEA Agent obtained intel on geotags – agree, working

5.       Provide more information on facial recognition searches – agree, working

6.       Provided alternative sentence wording – thanks

7.       Show how Brad is bland – agree, working

8.       Show that Kathy is really Alexa Collins, reporter – agree, working

9.       Minor editorial suggestions – working

BAM member –

1.       Liked the action, lots going on in story – thanks

2.       Rework clunky sentence page 2 – agree, working

3.       Numerous minor editorial suggestions – working

BAM member –

1.       Good, I liked - thanks

2.       First section seems artificial – working

3.       Remove “He thought to himself.” – agree, working

4.       Challenged use of ellipses - disagree

5.       Show more disagreement between Burgess and editor – agree, working

6.       Clarify Chancellor High as a high school – agree, working

7.       Describe the scent of Kathy’s fragrance – agree, working

8.       Show that Kathy is really Alexa Collins, reporter – agree, working

9.       Correct POV shift on page 4 – agree, working

10.   Minor editorial suggestion – agree

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A former BAM member rejoined after a long absence. He gave his two copies of a book about the war in Vietnam to myself and another member. Looking forward to reading it. I intend to send him a copy of my first novel, Golden Gate.

BLOG POST 254

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 254

BAM member –

1.       Felt like detectives were abandoning search, questions leading to M – they’re still working M

2.       Felt words of Mrs. McCarthy implied M was a person, and she either knew or was M – not true; will improve wording to leave M as either a person, or ???

3.       Thrown off by Wills saying the detectives needed to pursue WWII U-boat officer – In my brief of changes to last segment I stated that Wills, at Germanna Foundation, was told a U-boat officer had lived at Gephardt farm.

4.       Confused by choice of HT as nickname for Hortense - agree, working

5.       HT opened up very fast to LC, explain and stretch out – agree, working

6.       Color of Mister Gaul’s car seems too obvious a hint he’s involved – agree, working

7.       Correct POV shift on page 4 – agree, working

8.       Minor editorial suggestions – working

BAM member –

1.       Good overall– thanks

2.       Improve sequence of action words in sentence – agree, working

3.       Confused by choice of HT as nickname for Hortense - agree, working

4.       Suggested using LC’s PTSD as a reason for rapport with HT – agree, thanks

5.       Questioned mention of “robo-calls” – a distraction, will reconsider its use

6.       Correct POV shift on page 4 – agree, working

7.       Numerous minor editorial suggestions – working

BAM member –

1.       Confused by choice of HT as nickname for Hortense - agree, working

2.       Correct sentence about phone buzzing – agree, working

3.       HT opened up very fast to LC, explain and stretch out – agree, working

4.       Confused by ‘uncle’ – agree, working

5.       Explain why LC is dragging out questions – he’s dragging out questions in hopes Gaul will return, agree, working

6.       Correct POV shift on page 4 – agree, working

7.       So much given that I suspect HT and Gaul are important to the story, but shouldn’t emphasize that yet – working to improve

8.       Minor editorial suggestion – agree

BAM member –

1.       Confused by choice of HT as nickname for Hortense - agree, working

2.       The detectives should explain the context of M to person being questioned – disagree, they should be vague, forcing person to squirm

3.       Correct sentence about phone buzzing – agree, working

4.       Correct POV shift on page 4 – agree, working

5.       Minor editorial suggestion – agree

BAM member –

1.       Not a bad addition – thanks

2.       Said Gaul out of town 4X – Said it only twice, but will improve

3.       Add prurient details of HT’s abuse – agree, working

4.       Explain why HT and LC are attracted to each other – agree, working

5.       Commented that author used one thought three times – I didn’t

6.       Numerous editorial suggestion – agree

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I’ve been spending a lot of time on Twitter of late, trying to add caustic, humorous, or background to the continuing drama in Washington, DC. I wrote a parody pf The Element Song based on the drama of the Donald and posted it. Little reaction. All this extra activity increased my follower level briefly to forty, so I guess I’m achieving some notoriety. HUZZAH!

In my novel segment readings now, reviewers are becoming perhaps expert at detecting the sequence of clues and evidence I’m providing … and second guessing them. It feels both exhilarating and frustrating. Trying to maintain reader interest and story tension is becoming its own tense situation.

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You can buy my books: The first two novels of the trilogy were published as e-Books. Kashan Kashmeeri and The Next One are available as Print On Demand. The novels of the Murder and Mayhem series will be available in 2019 as Print On Demand. 

Available online through Amazon and other online book sellers. All my novels are available at The Book Exchange on Courthouse Road, Spotsylvania VA. Golden Gate and Sooley Base are in PDF format on CDs for use with Nooks, Kindles, tablets or PCs. Kashan Kashmeeri and The Next One are available as printed copies.