BLOG POST 248

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 248

BAM 09 April 2018 critique comments

Outside reviewer –

1.       Description of oak table was great – thanks

2.       Use more realistic, natural tight dialog – agree, working

3.      Minor editorial suggestions – working

4.       Don’t use candy ass (suggested Prom Queen) – agree, working

5.       Don’t start sentence with “and” – agree

6.       Clarify who is speaker – agree, working

7.       Show bodily interactions – agree, working

8.       Don’t refer to TV shows – agree, working

9.       Show what motivates the main characters – agree, working

10.   Don’t have LC boast about sniper role – agree, working

11.   Use more dramatic dialog – Think faster dammit! – agree, working

12.   Show or identify why LC thought killer was a county male – agree, working

13.   Insert a reaction to statements of Wills, LC – agree, working

14.   Incorporate small talk, downplay any attraction of Wills for LC – agree, working

15.   As a way to explain her questions of LC, identify fears of having a reliable partner in a shootout – agree, working

16.   Show, explain that he is reluctant to talk of military experiences – agree, working

17.   Choose better word than “yahoos” – agree, working

18.   Remove reference to Digits – the IT guy – agree, working

Above critique comments were entered into the version critiques below.

BAM member –

1.       POV shifts evident, but not jarring – agree, working

2.       Suggested adding more about forensics, putting on booties, gloves – agree

3.       Identify Wills as being female – disagree; she is same female character as in previous segment

4.       Have LC enter the bedroom before he sees the painting - agree

5.       Specify location of painting in bedroom – agree (on the wall)

6.       Vary sentence structure more – will consider

7.       Didn’t understand conflict between Military Intel and SPECOPS – staffers versus operators

8.       Suggested specifying money as coins – disagree; payroll included paper scrip (as does numismatics)

BAM member –

1.       Nice dialog – thanks

2.       This segment was more personal than earlier – thanks

3.       Story has become too light versus serious crime based – characters may display or voice humor to cover anxieties, fears, uncertainty

4.       Minor editorial suggestions – working

5.       Improve awkward description – agree, working