BLOG POST 230

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 230

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 111 pages reviewed.

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BAM 24 July 2017 critique comments

I had four previously reviewed segments re-reviewed as a final flourish.

Other reviewer –

1.      Numerous editorial suggestions – agree, working

2.      Suggested removing awkward sentences, descriptions – agree, working

3.      Suggested not using nicknames unless they’re used within dialogue – agree, working

4.      Suggested removing internal thoughts – agree, working

Other reviewer –

1.      Suggested not capitalizing De La Luz name – disagree

2.      Suggested changing butts to asses – agree

3.      In successive sentences identify who they and them were – agree, working

Other reviewer –

1.      Change Net to Internet – agree, working

2.      Suggested changing awkward verb choices – agree, working

3.      Describe Mick looking for loose paneling in storage locker, then looking through  – agree, working

4.      Establish setting for Mafia hit on George and Bai – agree, working

5.      Make Mafia hit men more threatening – agree, working

Other reviewer –

1.      Numerous editorial suggestions – agree, working

2.      In George’s statement to Police, incorporate words about the statement – agree, working

3.      Change wording of George’s response to Vietnamese dishes – agree, working

4.      Suggested adding description of travel through mountains to B& B – agree, working

5.      Remove character descriptions of Bud and Kathy – agree

BAM member –

1.      Numerous editorial suggestions – agree, working

2.      Moves story along, some POV issues – agree, working

3.      Too much extraneous info on War Wagon van – agree, working

4.      Not enough evidence revealed about terrorist cell – agree, working

5.      Unclear about George’s earthquake sensors – he designed, installed, calibrated the sensor array

BAM member –

1.      Too much information on War Wagon, suggested foreshadowing it earlier – agree, working

2.      Can’t distinguish Mick’s personality from Mo’s – working

3.      Correct POV issues – agree, working

4.      Identify who had stayed in Santa Ana the previous night – George and Bai, during Mafia hit attempt

5.      Questioned referring back to previous nights’ events –

6.      Suggested keeping George and Bai near terrorist van in desert, confront/obstruct Mick and Mo for interest - working

BAM member –

1.      Lots of action – thanks

2.      Some confusing sentences – agree, working

3.      Though George and Bai are a couple, don’t see the dynamic between them – working

4.      Plans of terrorists, and those investigating them, not clear – agree, my intention to slowly reveal information

5.      Questioned meaning of “lit off” with respect to (electronic) gear – agree (turned on)

6.      Questioned what Mick and Mo learned from pairing lines between cell phones – coming to another segment soon

BLOG POST 229

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 229

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 107 pages reviewed.

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BAM 17 July 2017 critique comments

Sadly only one person came to Monday’s critique session. The comments offered, however, were very helpful. I plan a major re-write of the segment. 

BAM member –

1.      Good continuation of the story –

2.      Numerous editorial suggestions – agree, working

3.      Had a hard time sorting through numerous point of view shifts – agree, working

4.      Suggested inserting a reason that will keep George and Bai from leaving their violated home – agree, working

5.      Language in dialogue felt stilted, awkward – agree, working

6.      Nice hook at the end - thanks

BLOG POST 228

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 228

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 102 pages reviewed.

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BAM 10 July 2017 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Change “angry truck” incorporate brand of truck  – agree

2.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree

3.      Have George show his macho side when Mafia goons break into the house – agree

4.      Insert Bai’s panic, have George focus on her reaction – agree

5.      Identify the horn blaring as security alarm – agree

6.      Show reaction to the break-in from George’s perspective – agree

7.      Tighten exclamation by goon threatening George – agree

8.      Express George’s surprise at what Bai says – agree

9.      Explain the smell of deadly intent – agree, working

10.  Describe the cover George was behind – agree

11.  Revise wording of Bai’s concluding statement – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Good dialogue – thanks

2.      Consider Mosque scene as dialogue, rather than recall – agree, working

3.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree

4.      Explain how Brenda is an “inconvenience” – agree, working

5.      Consider Mosque scene as dialogue, rather than recall – agree, working

6.      Storage unit costs are too small , question ability to see into adjacent space – agree

7.      Where did the bandages come from, questioned accuracy of Bai’s response - agree

8.      First responders typically treat injured/wounded – agree, working

9.      Have Bai hit intruder with just one round – agree

10.  Would Bai’s hands shake after shooting intruder – yes, she closes her eyes when she shoots (she’s an amateur user of weapons)

11.  Don’t use “State Urban Warfare Games” – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Enjoyed the wordiness – thanks

2.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree

3.      Shrink one descriptions – agree, working

4.      Another description so good I can see with my minds’ eyes - thanks

5.      Drop the wordiness of George’s bluffs – agree, working

6.      Change scene where Bai is bandaging the wounded intruder, have 911 responders do it – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Good addition, glad to see we’ve come to the action - thanks

2.      Dialogue good in parts – agree, working

3.      Unsure if FBI would operate this way - agree

4.      Correct POV issue with storage unit guy – agree, working

5.      Numerous editorial suggestions – agree

6.      Surprised the goons weren’t more efficient – they’re not very competent

7.      Question body’s reaction to a bullet through the eye – agree, working

8.      Question the scene where Bai is bandaging the wounded intruder – agree

9.      Suggested Mick have another way to see into adjacent locker – agree, working

10.  Questioned use of Shia – disagree, I’m highlighting the stress between two major branches of Islam, something Dammit and his cell would stress as Sunnis

11.  Drop the wordiness of George’s bluffs – agree, working

12.  Clarify who “stood erect, two pistols in his belt” – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Lots of action – thanks

2.      No one bills the FBI – will consider, as I’ve hinted at this before as an approach

3.      Have George and Bai store their pistol with a round in the chamber – agree

4.      Thought knee shot and bluff was cheesy – agree, working

5.      Bai wouldn’t bandage wounded killer – agree, working

6.      Thought use of “Dick Cheney” too old a reference – disagree, this is set during election period in California

7.      Minor editorial suggestion – agree

8.      Correct POV issue with storage man – agree, working