BLOG POST 226

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 226

The working draft of The Next One now stands at 95 pages reviewed.

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Just finished a re-read of David Baldacci’s Stone Cold. Great story, lots of twists, intrigue, and tension. Highly recommended. Am now reading David Alan Miles Balfour and the Shadow Pirate, his first novel. 

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BAM 05 June 2017 critique comments

A free form after critique followed the regular critique, which stressed that the reviewers thought Mick and Mo appeared as unsuccessful detectives, even as Keystone Cops. I confessed that that had been my intent, to build a tension between the FBI’s need for “proof” and what Area 52 had put together to brief the FBI on. I has even considered using the description Keystone Cops myself, but felt it should be too suggestive. 

At the meeting I was wearing a back brace. Upon being asked about it, I mentioned that my family has an apparent pre-disposition for back problems.  A discussion followed concerning current legislation before Congress and restrictions for “pre-existing” conditions.

BAM member –

1.      Good addition, eliminate dialogue tags – agree, working

2.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree

3.      Questioned why knowing calls made is of interest – to discover who Adnan was talking to

4.      Questioned why the software “came in handy” – to trace cell phone calls, discover collaborators

5.      Explain about “taking LA back to the Stone Age” – agree, rewritten to foreshadow of a possible terrorist mass casualty event

6.      Questioned use of humorous name, Dammit for Damadh, for potential terrorist – author choice

7.      Change period to question mark - agree

BAM member –

1.      Concerned that Mick and Mo seem like Keystone Cops – was my intent, and their discovery of evidence is just beginning

2.      Questioned data available from gas receipt – agree, changed to finding an open credit card bill

3.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree

4.      Reduce mention of what characters are about to do, then showing it – agree, working

5.      Correct POV problem – agree

6.      Questioned concern, or foreshadowing about Mo being a Saudi – I’m foreshadowing upcoming meeting with FBI

7.      Felt Mick and Mo had no proof – agree, I’m building case on little evidence, foreshadowing future/imminent discovery

8.      Questioned that “car registration was falsified” wasn’t mentioned – disagree; wrong address, empty lot noted

BAM member –

1.      Not enough action, all conversation – agree, working

2.      Flowed well – thanks

3.      Little action -

4.      Nice description - thanks

5.      Minor editorial suggestion – agree

6.      Questioned why Mick felt exposed – will improve his fear of being seen or being taped breaking into Adnan’s car

7.      Missed some of the humor

8.      Clarify laptop ownership and movements – Both George and Mick used them, then Mick used a tablet to break into Adnan’s car

BAM member –

1.      Not enough action – agree, am foreshadowing

2.      Had difficulty remembering which characters involved - disagree

3.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree

4.      Asked who Judy is – not in this segment, she’s the lead of a unit in an FBI Joint Anti-Terrorist Task Force

5.      Clarify laptop ownership and movements – Both George and Mick used them, then Mick used a tablet to break into Adnan’s car

BAM member –

1.      Flowed well, good continuation – thanks

2.      Include more action – thanks

3.      No written comments