BLOG POST 193

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 193

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 186; total word count inched down to 97.5 K, and percent increased to  95.5 percent. I felt elated. There were few serious critical comments, and a relative slew of positive feedback. Will need to bring one protagonist more fully into final three segments, but that will fit. 

BAM 23 May 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree with most; working

2.      Good pacing, but responses seemed too nuanced – working (and thanks)

3.      Israeli response is mystifying; do they really expect to win – yes (have in both wars)

4.      Curious what the Israelis will do; they seem intransigent – thanks

5.      Questioned the dramatics of President slamming the phone – disagree; he’s facing a nuclear war he can’t control

6.      Suggested removing sentence with “tyranny of numbers” – disagree; it implies a lots for Israel, as it is surrounded. It drives their actions.

7.      Felt strategy of a tank offensive is non-credible – disagree; fits the segments coming; such an offensive would allow destruction of enemy tank force (even the battle field)

BAM member –

1.      Good – well done narrative – thanks

2.      Good linear progression of story – thanks

3.      One of your best - thanks

4.      Use the words as you read them – agree; working

5.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

6.      Good portent (foreshadowing) at end - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Reads well, well written - thanks

2.      Liked the flashes of people reaction from different parts of world – thanks

3.      One of your best efforts – thanks

4.      Read like a visual news collage - thanks – thanks

5.      Well done throughout – thanks

6.      Felt Stefano and Rodolfo should become central protagonists of novel – disagree; need to stick with cousins, as novel is at 93 percent

7.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

8.      Use the words as you read them – agree; working

BAM member –

1.       Very good. Your best! - thanks

2.       Great descriptive narrative; good world view - thanks

3.      Loved the dialogue; was able to follow all characters - thanks

4.      Minor editorial comments – agreed with half

BAM member -

1.      Probably wouldn’t state the year (2005) to make reader think it’s present day – disagree; stated previously - thanks

2.      Thought dialogue and action was very realistic – thanks

3.      Was unsure of speaker at two points – clear as read and written

4.      Stick with identifying Stefano by his first name, rather than both first and family names –working; in one case soldiers would know him by last name

5.      Uncertain who “Aviv” was – previously identified General in charge of Israeli forces

6.      Uncertain who “Kibbutzim” was – previously identified as Defense Minister

7.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

8.      Seemed like too many characters – disagree; it’s a complex story (many are throw away characters)

BAM member –

1.       A while back you should have gone (written) in a different direction – disagree; my book

2.      Seems to focus on level of Generals(and diplomats)  – agree; they do make the decisions

3.      No written comments

New BAM member –

1.       Liked way pieces broken out – thanks

2.       Waiting to see what the Israeli Generals’ orders are - thanks

3.      No written comments

BLOG POST 192

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 192

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 188; total word count inched down to 97.8 K, and percent increased to  93.7 percent.

BAM 16 May 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree; working

2.      Really liked first section – thanks

3.      Use of character Yokel seemed ‘off the rails’ – disagree; valid consideration given war

4.      Curious what the Israelis will do

5.      Watch for POV shifts – agree; working

6.      Use of squadron number 666 seems unhinged – working

7.      Clarify how Yokel escaped – agree; working

BAM member –

1.      Atomic bomb scenario sounds like a diatribe – disagree; valid consideration given war

2.      Felt Yokel character came out of the blue – disagree; long a part of my story

3.      Journalists questions too open ended – disagree

4.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

5.      Clarify identity of speaker – agree; working

6.      Didn’t like analogy of grenade explosion to the tank battle - disagree

BAM member –

1.      Take out the POV shifts – agree; working

2.      Movement between dialogue and narration jerky – working

3.      Story slowed after page three – working

4.      Eliminate ‘head hopping’ (POV shifts – agree; working

5.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

6.      Eliminate underling for emphasis – working

7.      Felt analogy of mouse traps didn’t fit - disagree

BAM member –

1.       Yokel character doesn’t fit – disagree; long a part of my story

2.      Easier to understand story (than previous) – thanks

3.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

4.      Show stress on Colonel Ubaidi – agree

5.      Liked imagery of dental probing – thanks

6.      Didn’t understand of Chinese at bottom of very deep hole - disagree

BAM member –

1.      Take out the POV shifts – agree; working

2.      Identify speakers more clearly – agree, working

3.      Movement between speakers jerky – agree; working

4.      Consider omnipresent POV to avoid conflicts

5.      Work on improving transitions – agree; working

6.      Clarify settings – agree; working

7.      Shorten lengthy speech – working

8.      Improve use of quotation marks - working

BAM member –

1.      Read better than previous, could follow - thanks

2.      Shorten sentences – agree; working

3.      One of your best efforts – thanks

4.      Interesting, liked mouse trap analogy – thanks

5.      Liked conversation – thanks

6.      Flows well – thanks

7.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

8.      Liked analogy of loaded mouse traps - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Interesting, good battle description – thanks

2.       Seems slanted towards Saudis, against Israelis – as it has been for weeks

3.      Story makes America seems passive– true, but how would we support one vs the other

4.      Liked the use of squadron 666

BAM member -

1.      Able to follow - thanks

2.      Allowed readers to follow Stefano – thanks

3.      Identify speakers more clearly – agree, working

4.      Stick with Stefano as lively, central character – working to plan

5.      Minor editorial changes – agree; working

6.      Nice insights into Stefano’s mind – thanks

7.      Great imagery of latrine, nuclear cloud – thanks

8.      Nice foreshadowing of possible use of nukes - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Easier to understand - thanks

2.      Can cut much of this  – disagree; working

3.      Minor editorial changes – agree working

4.      Didn’t understand the Colonel cursing at loss of his men   

BLOG POST 191

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 191

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 192; total word count inched down to 98.5 K, and percent increased to  91.2 percent.

BAM 02 May 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree; working

2.      Good addition, sees the desperation of the attack  – thanks

3.      Uncertain what CBU meant – cluster bomb unit

4.      Hard to visualize the ebb and flow of the battle - working

BAM member –

1.      Good continuation – thanks

2.      Questioned inclusion of poetic section; suggested starting chapters with them – working

3.      Minor editorial suggestions – agreed with most, working

BAM member –

1.      Stronger, less confusing than prior battle scene - thanks

2.      Baffled by use of poem; use at start or end of chapter - working

3.      No written comments

BAM member –

1.      Take out the POV shifts – agree; working

2.      Remove the poem stanzas, they slow the reader – agree, working

3.      Good addition, enough dialogue to satisfy reader – thanks

4.      Good pacing - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Good addition - thanks

2.      Liked poem, but not as positioned. Suggested placing at end or start of chapter - working

BAM member –

1.      Impressed by use of poem - thanks

2.      Suggested placing poem stanzas at end or start of chapter - working

3.      Still have trouble with the action scenes, inner dialogue - working

BAM member –

1.      Liked addition, could follow - thanks

2.      Liked use of poem – thanks, working

3.      Good flow – thanks

4.      Watch out for shifts in POV - working

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree with most; working

2.      Good wrap-up of tank battle; easily followed - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Better to follow - thanks

2.      Poem too hard to follow; doesn’t fit – working

3.      Immolated used twice – agree; working 

BAM member –

       1.  Flowed well, could follow – thanks

       2.  No written comments

BAM (new member) –

1.      Pre-reading brief helped

2.      No written comments